Friday, July 18, 2014

Underwear Problems

It's about to get reeeallll personal up in here.

I have a problem.

And it's related to underwear.

I guess we should back up. Because this, about a year ago? You may remember my fitness post where I talked about gaining weight and being 170ish pounds. I was wearing a size 14 at the time and this is where the aforementioned underwear problems began.

not actual pictures of my underwear...duh
No matter what pair, no matter what size or shape or polka dots...they all started giving me a perpetual. weggie. all. day. long.

It's like they conspired together with little whispers and giggles in my underwear drawer the night before because they thought I needed a little more excitement, or something.

So, after I gained all that weight, no matter what I would do I'd have a weggie in minutes after donning said underwear. Minutes.

Talk about craziness.

So I'd, you know, fix it. But a few minutes later I'd have a weggie again.

This kept happening over and over and over again until I finally realized that yes, something was indeed wrong.

I thought it was the size. I was like, wow, I need to loose weight because even my underwear is rebelling against the natural order of things here.

So to temporarily fix the problem I went out and bought a size up in underwear. I was wearing a large (at the time I bought all my derriere covers from Aerie) so I made sure to purchase the extra large this time.

And you know what...I still had the problem. Only it was worse.

So I was like, okay, okay, I need to loose weight, thats all. Then my underwear will fit me again and everything will be happy fun times and no more desperate attempts to pull things from my nether regions while sitting in mixed company will occur and we can all just chill.

As you know, I've lost weight. I'm now the same size as when I married my husband (not my goal weight, but close). I'm fluctuating between a 10-12 pants now. 

And the problems just keep on happening.

What is wrong, internet? What have I done? Have I pissed the universe off? Or is it a rule that the closer one gets to 30 the more your underwear hates you?

More importantly, what do I do now?

I've tried...
  • buying cheep underwear from walmart. A littler better, but still gives me a weggie.
  • buying very expensive underwear from Victoria's Secret. I've learned their underwear sucks. No matter what I try it does not begin to cover my bum (no full coverage to be found in these walls, friend) and always results in a very annoying weggie seconds after donning.
  • gone up sizes
  • gone down sizes
  • screaming
  • crying
  • panicking
  • wearing my husbands underwear (worked, but too bulky, also my husband thought this was really weird.) 
Next I'm just going to go commando. Yes, you heard me. And no, I don't care.

This is a true story. A story about me, and underwear, and how it has ruined my life. Ruined. So. Please, for the love of all that is holy and unwedged--let me know that I'm not alone? And leave advice. As long as it doesn't involve mustard.

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