Thursday, March 24, 2022

The Worst Day

Yesterday was the best day. It was rainy, I went to bible study, we did school in the afternoon and I successfully made three meals that I think everyone ate. I can't remember much more. I read books to the kids. 

Are all the days supposed to be a blur??? 

Today was the worst day we have had in awhile.

Kids crying, bad attitudes, crazy scribbles on classwork, tantrums, kids yelling at me, one kid hitting, me trying to remain calm, me hiding in my husbands office asking him to talk to "his son". Me hiding the bathroom (well I did have a reason to be in there) and listening to the kids yelling "MOMMMM MOMM WHERE ARE YOU" when they had just been distracted by blocks, and I want to pee alone. Me wondering how long it would take them to find me if I didn't say anything. 

So many big feelings. 

This was all before lunch.

Hubby made lunch (hamburgers on the grill! yum!) and I tried to de-stress. Big deep breaths. Remember that we have good days and bad days. Hold it together. Trust in the Lord. I put on some piano music and angrily washed the dishes.  

After lunch, we went grocery shopping. Reuben usually stays home in Daddy's office and plays Minecraft when I go shopping; but because of the attitude and screaming he did at me, he was grounded from playing this game and had to go with me. More crying. I think he cares about Minecraft way too much. But it is a fun game, I play too. 

Anyway, we got through grocery shopping and as I handed over the hundreds of dollars for my few bags of groceries the kids were calm again. We went and picked up our raw milk and then I made it home. At this point I knew I was deteriorating fast--I was having a panic attack (anxiety attack??) about how behind I was, we had gymnastics in just 2.5 hours and I had no idea what I was making for dinner and my kitchen was a mess of grocery bags and non perishable items that still needed to be put away. My poor sourdough starter was staring at me and I couldn't remember if I fed her last night; and my kids were whining to be taken on a walk.

Maybe. A. Walk is what we all need, I thought. A nice refreshing outdoor adventure to restart our day. I could get some space from my wild things, they could enjoy the spring breeze on their bikes and I might just think of a good idea for dinner while they rode. 

We got ready; went out. Becky started crying 1/4 of the way into our walk. She was going fast on her balance bike and was complaining the seat hurt her bottom. As she was crying, she was screaming "My bottom hurts! My bottom hurts!" all the way down the road. When we got to the cul-de-sac she started wailing. I ended up carrying her bike most of the way back while she alternated screaming for her brother (who was far ahead on his petal bike) or screaming about her bottom hurting. At one point she lay down in the road. 

I was half dying of embarrassed laughter and half wishing I could disappear into the sidewalk and also  restraining myself from joining in her irrational hysterics. I rarely scream at my kids, it has happened, but its rare. I do get testy when they push my buttons (mud on my fresh clean carpet? spilled juice in a bedroom when we don't take juice in the bedroom?? You get the idea.) but I know that dirty carpets can be cleaned again and juice hopefully comes out of cheap Lowes flooring. Yeah, the relationship with my children is not worth ruining over some spills and messes. But man I wish I could have figured out a way to get my child to stop screaming about her butt hurting while walking home.

Anyway. We arrived home and I knew I was just done. I texted my husband he was on his own for dinner, threw some bread and peanut butter and jelly and apples and a can of olives and some plantain chips in a cooler and drove my fussy lovelies to the park where I sat on a bench and contemplated my existence while watching my children do dangerous things on the monkey bars. 

And then Reuben did his ninja warriors class at gymnastics and we all survived and Becky cried all the way home because she was overtired and she cried when I put her to bed but fell asleep in five minutes. 

Wow, what a day. I am so grateful though to be alive and to be living the good and bad days with my children. I know its a blessing, and I wouldn't be anywhere else. But if tomorrow could just be a bit better than today was...

I need strength and I also need my kidneys to stop hurting, thanks. At least I think that is what this pain is. I hate having health problems that won't go away on top of normal life stuff. 

Anyway, I went to a thermography appointment about the lumps in my breast and they say it does not look like cancer. I now need to go to a gynecologist to get them to double check, and also to find out if it is a lymph node or a cyst or something else? 

I haven't called to make the appointment yet. I think I am nervous. I was so sure I had cancer when I found these pea sized lumps...but now I am not so sure. I will update my blog when I know anything more. I need a vacation. 

To all the mothers out there...we are in this together. You are not alone. Unless you are using the bathroom. Just kidding, definitely not alone there. Someones fingers are peeking under the door... 

Chocolate and tea and a nice man to talk to in the evenings definitely wonderful. Don't try to think too hard that you wouldn't have the wild things without the man... clearly they got all the bad behavior from him anyway.

Love you all!

Monday, March 7, 2022

various subjects that have kept me up at night

Today I was reading Jonah. Lately when I read the Bible I am struck by how parallel it is to my own life; and today was no exception. I thought, wow; I am just like Jonah! How so you might ask? When I see others sinful misdeeds I wish them all the 'just desserts' and ponder how God will teach them all the hard lessons...but for myself I want mercy. I excuse my own bad behavior and pray God will spare me the lectures and trials. 

Of course, God has spared me many times when I did not deserve it. Also he has instructed me with the truth of the gospel and that sword of truth does not fall lightly. 

I don't know what I have been doing this year. It was been a crazy year, at least from my perspective. War in Ukraine, Covid, politics, little mouths to be fed and taught and I need to pull out my spring wardrobe because its getting warm out. And all of that happened today! So far this year I have been trying to deal with the stress I have been living under. The burdens I have carefully constructed and insist toting around must go; Jesus died for me. I want to abide in him. Yet still I get stressed as I try to figure out how to take my kids to violin lessons and switch the laundry. I get paralyzed sometimes, that I am not enough, that I am failing, that I can't do it. And that is not a fun place to exist as a mom! I keep trying to do it all on my own, but that will never work. It is only by the grace of God I can do anything, and I must submit and use his strength. God is so good. 

We have about 16 weeks of school left to fit into 12 weeks! I am trucking along. I am actually proud of myself. Homeschooling with a chronic illness isn't something I thought I could do, and yet here we are only four weeks behind!!! I have one of three choices...I could do a light summer program with the last four weeks, breaking up the readings. Second, I could add them to next year (year 2) schedule. Third, I could double up some weeks right now... I guess a forth choice is to move them over to free reads? But I don't really want to do that. I want to do it "right" (is there a right??? I need to let go of this idea that if I 'fail' and miss a week or two I have actually won, because of all the other weeks we did and the amazing feast of education he received...think about what he is getting, not what he isn't, right??)

I'm trying to do option three curently. I have decided to try and add a reading or two to our week and see if it works, maybe I will even try two weeks at once? But that all depends on if I can keep going; so far this year we have had strep throat, the stomach flu and I overdosed on Ivermectin and was sick for about three days from that (do you want that story time here?? let me know. its crazy and includes me bleeding out of my ear.) There was also the week I took off because I was so stressed about having breast cancer (still don't know for sure) and I had to work through some hard things there. 

But here I am. Still here, thriving, and watching my children be nourished by the truth beauty and goodness of this amazing world God made!

I made chicken for dinner with roasted veggies and...I get all that, and God. And a new sunset tonight. So what do I have to complain about? 

How are you all? I have more to talk about but I have run out of time...