Summer Break Week 5

Monday was a hard day. We had a slow morning and then took Reuben to his PEMF appointment. I told Becky we would try a local vegan-friendly restaurant while Reuben relaxed in the zero gravity chair at his doctors. It didn't work. We both got vegan smoothies but for some reason Becky got a severe stomach ache and then almost threw up so we had to leave. It was so disappointing. I did not have a reaction there but for Becky she did. We did get different smoothies...the restaurant used to be totally vegan but now they have milk and other alpha gal products so, there goes the one place I thought we could eat. Becky cried a lot. She really wanted somewhere we could go and get a treat once in a while. 

Becky has the stomach pain/throw up quickly/ diarrhea alpha gal problem while I have the anaphylaxis alpha gal allergy. Becky only throws up if she has a lot of alpha gal--for example, eating a hamburger. I don't know what was in the smoothie but whatever it was was a lot of alpha gal. 

The smoothie we ordered was totally vegan. We won't be back. 

For dinner we had another problem--I made spaghetti with ground turkey. Only for both Becky and I to have a reaction. Apparently ground turkey isn't only ground turkey. All the options I saw have either natural flavors (contain alpha gal) or rosemary extract which is processed, once again, with bone char and contains alpha gal. The world is laughing at me.

If I want to have ground turkey I will have to get a turkey and grind it myself. I am not adding anything to my plate of this nature as I grieve a miscarriage and battle a debilitating tick disease, among other issues...

This made the second meal of the day that gave Becky a severe stomach ache and even though I knew it was a mistake seeing her cry in pain and frustration made me so sad. She and I are trying so hard and here we are not able to eat anything...or so I felt. 

We also went to a laundromat for the first time in like, 10 years and let me tell you it was gross, dirty, and $4 a load to wash my whites. But our washer was broken and I needed to do at least one load. It took 22 minutes to cycle and we took it home to dry. Esther had to use the toilet while we were there and the sink didn't even work, there was no soap in the bathroom and the door didn't close. I was expecting, at the very least, a laundromat to be hygienic. I don't want to ever go back.

We did meet some very nice grandmas that smiled at Esther a lot as she ran laps around the washing machines and had the time of her life with the 25 cent bouncy ball I bought her from the very decrepit coin machine. I wish I had taken pictures, it was straight out of the 1990s...

We ended the day with a nice swim at our local pool. It was a good day, stomach pain aside. 

Tuesday Charlotte came--she was with friends Monday. Charlotte is the lovely 10 year old I am nannying this summer and this week has been a treat with her. Last week she was shy and unsure but this week I think she is learning we are fun, safe and it's fine to just be herself around us.

Tuesday we went to the creek after Reuben's piano lesson. We walked all the way to a little bridge and set up hammocks and just had a relaxing refreshing time by the stream. It was nice and cool in the shade, until the toddler fell into the water and cried. I need to remember to pack her extra clothes! What kind of mom am I? This is not my first rodeo. 

We will definitely be back to that spot though. 

We started a new free read this week too--we are reading Lad, A Dog. It is wonderful. Everyone is loving it.

Wednesday we went early to walk at Poplar Forest, Thomas Jefferson's house. You can walk around the grounds but not near the house without a ticket. It was hot but fun. We sat for awhile by a stream and the kids splashed until we found ticks and hightailed it out of there, stopping on the way to climb a tree.

Esther wanted to be carried the whole time and I was quite sweaty by the time we made it back to the car. By the time we made it home I was hot and sticky--we have no air conditioning in our car! It was a very warm day...and only going to get hotter! The highs for the next three days were in the mid-90s. 

After lunch of turkey sandwiches, my mom came over to watch Becky, Reuben and Esther and I took Charlotte to her house for a little over an hour so she could rest in her room. This also gave grandma a quiet two hours to do Barton Reading with Becky and Reuben and Esther ended up taking a nap. 

I was just checking the weather for next week and its going to be nice and cool--by nice and cool I mean in the low to mid 80s--this week has been crazy with numbers like 95f and 97f. This mama has been hot and I'm ready for some cooler weather. Next week we can have lots of outside creek time and not have to worry about the UV index.

Thursday Reuben had another appointment and Charlotte, Becky, Esther and I went to goodwill to comb through everyone's trash, I mean treasures. I ended up finding a really cute baking dish and a water bottle waist-belt type of pack for Reuben to use when hiking (he loved it!). I also found some shirts and clothes and a bag for Esther, and Charlotte found a backpack, two shirts and a pair of pants. Esther and Becky also found two baby-dolls they loved. In all we spent $54 and it was perfection. Sometimes you come to goodwill and find nothing and it's annoying combing through everyone's greasy cast-offs, but sometimes you come and find just what you need and it's wonderful. Esther has been hauling the backpack and the doll around everywhere. 

Thursday is also Becky's piano day and since the high was 95f, that was all we did. We stayed home the rest of the time and read Lad, A Dog, played video games, ate ice cream and other silly games. It was a blast. 

Friday we went early to Claytor Lake Nature Center. The high on Friday was 97f and so we went from 9-11 and left when it hit 90f, because that was hot enough. We did nature drawing by the stream, played in the nature zone kid playground and did multiple tick checks. Charlotte also found a beautiful book about wolves in the little free library and she was over the moon about it. I got the sweetest picture of her explaining the wolves to Esther and it melted my heart and I sent it to her family. 

Becky also found a baby frog. She also found a lot of tadpoles that she really wanted to bring home but we didn't. We don't have a place for them, or I would have let her. Becky is the kind of girl that wants to collect pets wherever we go.

We came home in the heat and had snack lunch (hummus and toast and leftover turkey, sourdough crackers I made...mostly various things in the fridge) and met up with Brian who went to the gym this morning, as it was his day off. We had rest time with video games through the heat and read another chapter of Lad and I took a nap on the couch while Brian worked on fun projects in the shed. 

Friday was hard for me because right before we left for Claytor I noticed I was bleeding again. Didn't I just have a miscarriage a little over a week ago? I literally stopped bleeding Monday, June 1 after bleeding (sometimes very heavily) for 11 days. I don't know why this is happening and it's been quietly freaking me out all afternoon. I keep praying I'm okay and wondering what I need to do next and also trying to be normal so I don't worry my kids but also I need space but oh, that's impossible right now with four children and a husband home. 

I would like to be normal, please.

Here is to some normal I am hoping....next week. 

Here are to some meals that hopefully don't hurt my daughter's stomach. 

Here is to Reuben learning to breathe through his nose! 

I'm ready to see God's miracles. 

Summer Break Week 4

We had our last karate classes for the term this week! I hope to come back in the fall if I can.

I'm still processing through the miscarriage of another baby I will have to wait to meet until heaven. I was invited to two baby showers this week and the first one I just said no to because I couldn't do it but the second one was a good friend and I was going to go until Esther threw up and I'm not risking the stomach bug around a mom in the third trimester, and she totally understood and was grateful. 

I need to figure out how to deal with this grief. I think maybe planting a flower garden for my little babies in heaven would be a start.

The highlight of the week was giving Esther her first hot dog (we really don't do junk food) and she ate it like this. So cute and she ate the whole thing!

Monday was the day after my miscarriage and hospital stay. I was exhausted after being up in the emergency room until 3am, but I got up and took Reuben to his dentist appointment where he got the next 12 weeks of his Invisalign. He's doing great with it. Then I took him to his PEMF appointment which was an hour. It's helping his breathing!! After all that I went home and took a three hour much needed nap while my kids watched a movie. 

I don't remember the rest of the day.

Anyway, Tuesday I wanted a healing rest day after all the craziness of the weekend. We had a slow breakfast and relax morning, then I decided to do a craft! We did tie dye. 

Crafting is a great distraction from sad life things and also an amazing healing mechanism, creating something new. We stayed home all day, made some pretty things, played video games, hung out together and had our last karate class.

Wednesday we started out by going to Fresh Market to look at their dairy free, vegan options. I ended up finding some yogurt I love, a vegan sour cream and other alpha-gal free items. Unfortunately Fresh Market is pretty expensive so we probably won't go back. I was mainly trying to shop for Becky who definitely has alpha gal just like me. Then we went to Little Givens where I picked up some restful toys for Reuben to use during his PEMF appointments since he has to sit there for an hour. After lunch Grandma came over for three hours of Barton and I did a round of our regular grocery shopping and raw milk pick-up. And we ended by going to the pool where Esther took the cutest summer nap on me. 

Thursday was Charlotte's first day with us. I'll be nannying her through the summer for 6 or 7 weeks. She's 10 so the phrase babysitting doesn't work. It's a long day as her dad drops her off at 7:30am and picks her up at 6 but she's working through it. I told her Thursday was our busy day. We had an PNEF appointment for Reuben at 10:10. I dropped him off and took all the girls to the park where they played for a bit then found some kids that had frogs and that was fascinating. We all trooped home for lunch (turkey sandwiches) after picking up Reuben and then we had Becky's piano class at 2, followed by swimming. A full and very busy day and everyone was exhausted at the end of it.

Friday was today. We were halfway to the creek and then Esther threw up everywhere. I turned around, took her home gave her a bath and veratrum 200 and she fell asleep for over two hours and she hasn't thrown up since. It was crazy. We all had a home day and did puzzles but it was kinda exhausting being home all the time with four kids. I also somehow ate something I shouldn't and am having some alpha gal symptoms and generally annoyed. 

I am hoping for a restful weekend, a healing weekend and a focused weekend.

it wasn't on my summer bucket list

Having a surprise potential ectopic pregnancy and spending the weekend in various states of shock and 6 hours in the ER was not on my summer bucket list.

I am/was pregnant. And I didn't even know it until Saturday when I took a pregnancy test just to confirm I wasn't because we do barrier method prevention and we hadn't had any mistakes but I was concerned because I had been bleeding for more than a week when my cycle is usually only 3-4 days and I knew something was wrong and I thought it was anemia (due to my alpha gal) or perimenopause because I'm 39. And I was only taking a pregnancy test so I would be able to tell the doctor I wasn't pregnant because I knew they would ask. 

It turned positive immediately. 

My HCG was 157.9 when bloodwork was ran Sunday night. This was the number 10 days after the start of my period so it must have been much higher! Which it should be higher since I would have been 6-7 weeks pregnant and that is a reading for 4 weeks. So all along I'd been having a miscarriage and didn't even know it. I was also having quite a bit of lower pain in one spot and a home birth midwife I texted with thought I might have been having a ectopic pregnancy so I went to the ER because there is no where else to go and I'm expecting a 8-10k bill now but, I found out it was not ectopic but that I have a ovarian cyst that might have been causing the pain I was experiencing. 

They said I am probably having a miscarriage but should do a follow up ultrasound as well as a HCG blood draw to confirm. 

I don't even know how to feel. This is terrible. I am sad, but I don't have time to be sad because I have three kids. 

I'm going to pee on a pregnancy test again this weekend to see if it turns positive...if it turns positive slowly I'll know my levels are going down or if it isn't positive at all I"ll know it was a miscarriage. I'd rather do that than go back for traumatizing bloodwork. 

I'm tired, and heartbroken and numb and angry and exhausted and hungry and broke so I can't even go out and get my favorite comfort foods. 

Anyway, I have recently in the last few months just started to think about how to I start to process my 7 miscarriages I've had and how do I move on so I can enjoy a good sexual relationship with my husband, because boy does the thought of having another miscarriage not make me excited about intimacy and I had just thought about how safe it is to use condoms and how much glad I was that this method keeps me safe but still able to enjoy spicy time with hubby... and now this happens! I've had 8 miscarriages now. 

I get it, I have to trust God and I still should be able to enjoy being with my husband but honestly I am ready for him to get a vasectomy. I have maybe 15 more years of fertility I mean some people don't go through menopause until 55--and I know at least for me I am going to be very nervous to jump into bed when this was the result. It isn't worth the risk for me to enjoy a little pleasure when I might have a miscarriage and a 8k hospital bill, but I know my husband also would like to enjoy the perks of marriage so I just feel absolutely torn up about it. 

These are my blood work results from Sunday night. 

I don't even know where to begin healing from this. Or even how to talk about it without bawling my eyes out in person... It feels absolutely embarrassing to have had this many miscarriages and I feel like an idiot. I don't know why I feel this way because of course emotions don't make sense. I'm struggling and it's only Tuesday.

My amazing friend Emily texted me that she would bring me food. I hadn't even told her all this stuff was happening but God put me on her mind which is beautiful. I'm glad God is looking out for me when things get horribly hard...that was the one bright spot on this terrible weekend. She made turkey and roasted sweet potatoes and veggies and gravy and everything was absolutely delicious. 

I would pick this month to read through Job, and that has helped remind me that it can always get worse. I have never prayed so hard for God to not put me through any more trials for the foreseeable future and no, I definitely am not comparing myself to Job and nor do I ever wish to.

I hope next weekend will be much more uneventful.