August

I have had so many thoughts about so many things the last few weeks and no time or energy to write them down. So here is my attempt to order the disorder of my brain. 

For starters, I am loving our smaller room. If you missed the moving post, we gave the girls the big room and it's been an amazing change. It feels like the kids have so much more space and sharing is easier. My darling introvert is enjoying her space more even with the toddler and the atmosphere of our house just breathes differently. The same goes for our room, in what used to be the old girls bedroom--I love how cozy it is, everything feels much more organized and we've been finding ways to downsize even more which is my love language. The "big room" is about 400 square feet and the small room that we are in now is around 200. So it was a change, especially since the "big room" has its own bathroom.

It's September, and I'm still healing and dealing with everything that happened this summer. Over the break I worked full time for the first time in years--being a nanny/babysitter for a 10 year old girl named Charlotte. It was fun, I hope she had a great time. Reuben and Becky and Esther had an amazing time with her and have a greater appreciation for art, horses, and wolves just because of Charlotte. I'm feeling a lot of guilt though. I did not get to do half of what I planned for summer, and I mourn that. I spent a lot of the summer having a long extended miscarriage and grieving the loss of our 8th and very unexpected baby. I am glad that the kids, and Charlotte, did not notice. The kids told me they had an amazing summer and can Charlotte please come over again next year? And we also spent all that time at the pool... it was a wonderful summer in many ways. 

We have a consultation for the snippy-snip for hubby in November, which I strangely do not know how to feel about, even though I am the one who has asked him to do this. I think it's because I would love another baby. Actually I would love three more babies in my forties but my health and body do not feel strong enough to endure more losses. I am chronically ill, and instead of getting better after 10 years of researching and work, I am slowly getting worse. It is sad. And very hard to deal with, but true. So here I am ready physically to say goodbye to more babies but not emotionally ready. And yet I am not emotionally or physically ready to say hello to any more babies either. Alas, life is once again a conundrum. Good thing I have tea and sunsets.

Summer to me felt like one long struggle between the miscarriage and trying to give the kids some normalcy. I was so glad that summer was over when August hit and I thought I could put all that behind me and delve into homeschooling! And then we started school...and sadly, last Monday, our Pastor passed away suddenly. It was very unexpected news and our whole church is grieving. He was on a sabbatical for his health--he had cancer twice in the last 6 years--and was expected to return in two or three weeks to resume preaching, and now he is gone. Please pray for his wife and four grown children and of course their grandchildren. Sadness and misery reins in August too! 

And now September is here and fall is just around the corner, though of course that could be many weeks off. With Virginia weather, we still could have a month of 90f weather just like we are having this week. Today it was 94f or something crazy like that... But the pool is closed now, we are done with PEMF, and ballet and karate for the kids (and piano) are in full swing in our little homeschool household.

hanging out in the heat in the car before piano!

After over a full decade of being chronically ill I am feeling very burnt out and ready for some relief. I've been praying for healing, especially from alpha gal and hoping that I'll be able to enjoy beef and raw milk again soon. I've been praying for healing for my gut issues and severe sinus problems, for energy and good sleep--to wake feeling rested would be nice. I'm doing so many things that are supposed to help and nothing ever seems too. It's very disappointing. 

I'm reading the next book: The Prime Minister by Anthony Trollope. I like this one so much better than the last one...for some reason I couldn't get into that one at all. I'm knitting fall hats and dreaming of cooler weather. 

God is good, and I know he is working out everything to his glory.

Becky made a cake from scratch today and the kids said it was delicious! She used butter and flour, so I couldn't eat it but I was fine with that. It was a pretty cake and we had a little tea party lunch with sandwiches and fruit. 

I am hoping September holds rest, some cooler days, lots of reading with steaming cups of tea...but most of all for contentment in my own heart through the trials that I know are still yet to come.

Updates

Well, we had our first week of school last week and we survived! I got about 75% done, which is awesome for our first week. Charlotte is back in school and everyone misses her. It's time to buckle down and work hard and look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas break! 

So many first and lasts! Becky had her first dance class, she loved it, her only complaint was her shoes pinched. Piano started up again for Becky too, and Reuben's starts this coming week..and I also ordered the rest of the kids fall wardrobes, so much planning and fun shopping! I decided this year to wrap up each outfit and have them open them when it gets cold, one outfit a week. I might be more excited then the kids! Some of the outfits they picked themselves and some I picked as surprises...

I did all my shopping at goodwill and a few other local thrift stores first but was only able to find things for Becky, even through multiple weeks. The toddler and boy section just had nothing... I got the rest from the Carter's website which has very reasonably priced kids clothes! I also got Reuben a shirt from another website with One-One on it. (Are you my mum?) He's going to be stoked, Infinity Train is his current favorite show. 

Each kid gets 3 new fall outfits, except for Becky (since we went to goodwill) has six... so I may need to improvise a few other ones for the other two kids so it's even. Hopefully we can find some stuff over the next few weeks from Goodwill! 

We had our last swim at the pool. It's open one more week but I am not sure we can fit it into our super packed schedule. I made sourdough pizza to bring with us!

I have been keeping a food diary for Becky to find out her stomach issues--she has an allergy to chocolate and also to capsaicin (bell peppers) and to eggs. I'm hoping by omitting these ingredients her life will improve! She can't have paprika or any capsaicin products like chili powder...it's going to be an interesting transition. But if it helps her it will be so worth it. She gets stomach pain all the time and I have been having the worst time figuring it out. 

I still am gluten free and have alpha gal. Reuben is allergic to beans, avocados, bell peppers (but he can have them if cooked) bananas, kiwi and blueberries. We are a crazy household.  

I'm trying to make it to the gym and work on my chronic illness, figure out how to feed us all and homeschool everyone with a toddler in tow. No wonder I'm tired! 

I started on a new probiotic that will hopefully help me! I hope it does.

My miscarriage finally seems to be done and over with. God is good and I am so thankful...it's terrifying to be bleeding out of a part of your body you can't slap a band-aid on...and to feel helpless and unsure of what to do. I hope I never have to go through another miscarriage again for the rest of my life. I turn 40 this January so my menstruating days are officially numbered. 

I'm going to go reset the living room for school tomorrow. See you all later!

The Last Week

My mental health has been on a steadily downward trend this week. I mean, it's just life. But I know I've been struggling more than usual. And I want to give my kids the best parts of me, not the leftover bits! God is so good and I feel like a piece of mud an elephant stepped on. Which is not true, I am a beautiful creation of the Lord who deserves love, rest, and peace. 

We enjoyed our last week of vacation even with mommy's mental health issues. We went to the park--Esther got a splinter but I got it out when we got home. And I enjoyed a play date with my friend Mya and her little girl who is Esther's best friend. Her name is Thea and she's two! They are two peas in a pod.

I think my current issues are...recovering from my miscarriage. Not spending enough time outside or in my Bible. Being addicted to my phone and not having good boundaries with media. Not taking care of myself and instead living in an anxious stressed place where I just repeatedly clean my house and cry. 

In short, I need a break. I need a break from media and a few weeks without the internet. That, and going outside and sticking my toes in the dirt and reading my Bible will help. I need nourishment, not only of food (I want to make my delicious cabbage soup) but of the mind.

I've taken breaks before and they have been awesome! I'm going to take one now and I'll be back eventually, but I don't know how long I will need. I know this is the right choice! This summer was so hard and some detox from the internet should renew me. 

The kids made little clay creations this week and I did not take the best pictures. They were happy and their clay creatures were so cute! I need better camera skills.

One amazing thing that happen this week is I feel like we finally got Becky and Esther's new room organized in a way that makes sense. I love it and they are loving it too! Each of them has a desk, and each of them have little play areas and they each have their own closet. It's perfect and giving them the biggest room in the house has been a dream. I even love having the small room. It feels less chaotic and I love being close to Reuben. 

Becky's desk is under a window and since there are two windows in this room, Esther's little desk (which used to belong to Brian) is under the other.

Their room is so sweet and they are enjoying the space. I am hopeful Esther will spend an hour or two up here on her own during homeschooling. I've created a playlist for her that includes both Baby Shark and Jesus Loves Me. What more could she want? 

There are two more weeks until Charlotte starts school. She is still here 10 hours a day and we have really grown to love her. Esther asked today where she was. It's Saturday, silly, she's with her dad, and we will see her Monday. 

God is good and I'll make it through tomorrow--church always wears me out.

Here is to a few weeks of focusing on lifting my eyes to what really matters and maybe eating a lot of soup.