What Life is About

If I could sum up my 30s (besides kids) it would include the term "learning more". Learning more about the way the world works, the way my body works, the way society works. Seeing behind the veil.

In my 20s I took things at face value and was so busy with school and life I didn't have time (or maybe the eyes) to see how the world worked behind the scenes.

Well, I'm reading Charlotte Mason's first book about education (ITS AMAZING) and I was floored by something she said. She talked about how people spend their lives trying to get their own way. That "trying to get ones own way" is all life has boiled down to for some. She then continued talking about child raising, but I've been stuck on her first two sentences for days now.

I've never thought about it that way. My mind feels exploded. She just arbitrarily summed up what, for so long, seems so wrong about the world. Everyone is running around struggling to get their own way. Life has become this struggle among the sea of other lives to get ones own way. The American Dream has just become the Dream to Have Ones Own Way.

When I think about this in my own life, I see this play out. Why do I fight with my husband? Because I want my own way. Why do I (usually) have hard time with my toddler? Because he wants his own way. I don't want my life to be just a constant struggle to have my own way anymore. I want my life to be about God having His way.

Seeing life in these simple terms has really helped me with my internet addiction and with my spending splurging. I used to look at something and see how it would help my life and make me happy and that would justify me buying it. But now I look at it and think about how hard my husband worked for the money. I think about how I can use money for other things--not just things "I want" or even that I need. I think about how the money isn't really mine, but God's gift. It's put a whole new spin on something I have struggled with my whole life. I feel liberated!

You may think reading this that it is comment sense. Maybe I am dense but Charlotte Mason's books (that I bought off Amazon) are not only answering some parenting and homeschooling questions, but also fundamental life questions I didn't even know I had. It wasn't common sense for me.

I've always known that life is about so much more than myself, but I have not exactly lived that way in every aspect of my life. And I've never taken a microscope to my own intentions before. But I plan to now. I don't want to struggle through the rest of my existence trying to get my own way above everyone else. I want to live for Christ.

I don't know how to make time for myself

One of the hardest things about being a mother is being a creative mother. And not being able to be creative. I miss knitting. I miss writing. I miss coffee shops by myself with a good book. I miss wasting time. Hah.

I know it's a season. But these little people keep me on my toes 24/7. If I take time for myself right now it is usually to the detriment of another part of my life. Took time to knit? Probably didn't make dinner. Or clean. Took time to shower? Well, that time that Rebekah was asleep (for like 20 minutes) could have been spent playing with the toddler. Now she's awake and I have to hold her and play with a toddler. Yay.

There isn't even time to take to cry.

I know you may not believe me. 

Rebekah does not sleep. She just doesn't. Unless I am holding her. It's so hard guys. Maybe she will learn to nap later? I have no clue. She spent the first two weeks of her life sleeping and I was amazed, because Reuben also didn't sleep ever. I was like, I DID IT. I created a baby that sleeps!!

Until she quit. It's been almost three weeks without any daytime naps. She wakes up 3 times a night--and I know that's great. Reuben wakes up twice a night. So guess how many times I wake up a night?

At least we got Reuben's bedtime fixed. We snuggle him to sleep and it usually takes 20-30 minutes, but that beats the 2-3 hours it was taking. We learned we have to wait until it's dark, for one, and also do NO TALKING. So no stimulation. It's been a week of blessed toddler bedtime routine and I for one am thanking God.

I remember that things were easier with Reuben when he turned one. I wonder if it will be the same. Right now I feel like I live in a constant state of stress and unhappiness. I am trying to be joyful and rest in God, but all I want is a mimosa and a vacation from my priorities. This is hard. God is still good, but dang this is hard. I am working every moment of every day and still not getting everything done that needs to be done! It's crazy!

So glad we are not homeschooling yet. Two more years and I'll be adding that to my plate! Yes, I'm excited. But also, where in the world will I fit it in?! And we will honestly probably have 1-2 more kids by that point. Who knows. It's up to God.

Tour My Makeup Bag

I used to not wear makeup. Now I do wear it sometimes! Here is a tour of my vegan makeup bag--a minimalist collection of makeup that I wear once or twice a month when I want to feel fancy or am going on a hot date. I wear mostly Gabriel makeup--it's vegan, but more importantly to me--gluten free. It's also pretty affordable, and to a girl that does not wear a ton of makeup a lot--that was a must!