I can't believe it.

Esther has croup. Someone has been sick in this house since two weeks before Christmas! I am so over it. Poor little Esther. We also got more snow last night, but in my area it mostly melted today so the roads should be fine, which is a relief if I have to take Esther to the doctor. But the big kids went sledding with Daddy outside for three hours.

Around dinner time, my husband announced that he is getting sick too. So please pray for us that we can shake off these reoccurring, back to back illnesses and all get better! And that hubby could get better quickly because co-parenting is so much better than caring for a sick husband and child and doing it all myself. It really is hard, even if my family is a blessing. 

Esther lately has been obsessed with 'washing hands'. She would literally wash her hands all day if I let her, and in true toddler fashion she can now carry her little chair around and get to the sink all on her own, the cutie pie. We finally got her some new, warm, well-fitting clothes and she is just a ham. 

I am exhausted from all the sick. God is so good and I am trying to meditate on him through this difficult season. This is both mine and Becky's birthday month and so far all I have been doing is reacting and caring for the sick people! I guess God wanted me to be focused and busy this new year. 

Maybe we all need daily vitamin D. I'm sure it's in our multivitamin we take. It has to be right? I'm going to go check. 

Becky is Two

It seems like just yesterday I was birthing my Becky, but now she is two. Two and sleeping through the night for the first time, two and waddling around doing everything big brother does, two and giving me hugs with her little arms and wet kisses. I love two and I love my Becky. Happy Birthday sweet wonderful girl! You are amazing and I cherish every day with you.

You can see Becky's birthday vlog here!

The Despair of Motherhood

Sometimes I wake up and I'm so tired I can't move. I lay there next to Rebekah (usually the one who woke me up) and try to figure out how to get myself out of bed and start my day. My mind starts to run through my to-do list. Presently my toddler wakes up, crawls on top of me, asks if it's daytime and demands to go downstairs. With me, of course. Because going downstairs by yourself when you are three is impossible.

Yesterday Reuben, the aforementioned three-year-old, threw a thirty minute no-holds-bar tantrum about sharing his toys with his sister. I tried to patiently explain to him that sharing is fun, and that he only had to share one of his balls (he has a ball pit with hundreds of balls in it) but he wasn't having it. I told him if he didn't want to share he could take his toys to his room and play there. He didn't want to play there--he wanted the impossible; for the baby to not want to touch "his toys" even though she is six months old and into anything that is in front of her.

Today he threw a tantrum about toast. I'm talking screaming, crying, throwing himself on the floor hysterics. He didn't want the toast he had asked for earlier (when I gave him a choice between toast or oatmeal). I explained to him he asked for toast, and thus I had made toast. So he had to eat toast. This was apparently an unreasonable expectation.

When my toddler has these extreme outbursts of emotions I am always caught off guard. I mean, it isn't rational (to me at least) to cry and scream over toast, or sharing. Lets not even talk about the crying in public.

That reminds me of something else that happened. Last week I forgot my baby carrier for Becky so I put her in the stroller. I didn't realize that Reuben thought of the stroller as his. He screamed for about 10 minutes about it. People stared. But I couldn't hold a baby and buy whole chickens and eggs and things, so it had to be done. I think Reuben is still upset.

Sometimes when everyone is crying and I am exhausted, I despair. I wonder if this season of small babies is ever going to end and I am ever going to sleep through the night. I wish people would stop touching me and demanding my time--I dream of getting a moment to myself to breathe, but even in the shower I am accosted by my husband who can't find clothes, diapers, or kitchen utensils like a grown adult.

I wonder if Jesus feels the same way about my prayers.

Motherhood is harder than I ever imagined. It is like being refined by fire. Many times I feel like I  can't go on. Many times I fall on my face before Jesus and try, by his strength alone, to keep pushing forward. Navigating my marriage, interpersonal relationships, cooking, teaching my children, cleaning my house and chores--and attempting to care for my own hygiene and interests is a complicated juggling act that requires me to be the best person I can be at all times.

Even at my lowest I feel the tender love of Jesus calming the choppy waters with his everlasting peace. He reminds me that raising children for his glory is my purpose, and that caring for my husband is the way I worship God, and that he is ever pruning me as I traverse these toddler years. I cling to that when I want to throw in the towel.

God is good. Even when my life is falling apart and my anxiety is sky high, God is still good. My despair is human, but I have a heavenly father to lean on and I don't have to do this alone, even when I feel alone.

two weeks

Daddy goes back to work tomorrow and I will be alone with my two offspring from Monday to Friday. These past two weeks of postpartum rest were so needed and so wonderful; filled with lots of nursing, husband cooking, and reading books to a toddler while a baby slept on my chest. I am sure all those things will continue to happen--but I will miss my husband next week. It's nice to be able to hand him a baby when I want to shower or have him calm a tantrum from the toddler while I nurse. I don't know how I am going to do all this on my own.

Most everything has gone smoothly. Except for bedtime. Reuben still takes hours to fall asleep, whines, cries, and demands to nurse. I nursed all through pregnancy batting nursing aversions only to STILL have nursing aversions after birthing Rebekah. I only have issues when nursing the toddler. Call it the saddest irony you've ever heard of--but I can't nurse my toddler without severe repercussions. The longer he nurses, the more stressed and anxious I get. I even start to physically get ill and have to hold back tears of frustration and pain. It's the strangest thing. So we are weaning. I have not been able to nurse him to sleep at night since Rebekah was born, and I am mourning that. I wasn't ready to wean, and he isn't ready to wean, but we have to for my mental health. I can't believe I have to quit nursing him at two and a half, and I've been crying about that too--I will miss our sweet nursing bond and must accept that he is growing up and on without me. We are down to nursing for nap and a little bit at bedtime, as much as I can stand. Soon that will be cut out. One day soon will be the last time I nurse him, and I want to sob even typing that. It's been the one thing we have shared and the main comfort for him since he was born and it is hard for me to accept that it's almost over, even if I need it to be.

We still don't know what to do about bedtime. We are doing a mixture of cuddling and singing to him at this point, as well as frustratingly telling him to PLEASE get back in bed, lay quietly, go to sleep, don't throw your stuffed animals... Sleep is not going well. We just need to stick it out but I wasn't prepared for changing our norm so quickly (nursing to sleep) and all the changes are probably frustrating for him too--new bedtime routine, new sister, busy mommy. It's a lot for me to deal with and I'm an adult!

Rebekah is growing and changing and even at two weeks old looks so different from her newborn pictures! I am in love with her, with her and Reuben. He's the best big brother, very gentle, already wanting to share his toys and food even when I keep reminding him she's too small. He loves her. I am sure she will grow to adore him too! Seeing them share such a sweet bond fills my heart with joy.

That is week two. Two weeks of her being here. And next week real life begins as daddy returns to work and I return to being a full time stay at home mommy--to two wonderful kids, not just one. Pray for me. Pray I can remain calm, manage tasks, nurse a baby, and still give my toddler the attention he needs as a growing child.

Going from Bedsharing to Cosleeping

There is a lot of controversy around where you let your child sleep. I think it's ridiculous. I have bed-shared with my infant and also cosleept and I can tell you there is nothing scary or unsafe about either of these options! The actual truth is that there are safe and unsafe ways to prepare an infant's sleeping area no matter what method of sleep you choose.

Are you bedsharing with baby in your bed? Don't use a lot of pillows, and use one or no blankets. Know yourself and how you sleep. Or have your chosen cosleeping with baby in your room? Cosleeping is different than bedsharing in that while baby is in your bedroom they have their own sleep area. Well, if cosleeping, don't put a blanket on your child and make sure their space is free of toys. Want your kid to have their own room? Same applies to cribs; no blankets or toys in the space. I don't get why people think having a baby in your bed if you choose is unsafe or "less safe" than any other option. It's just sleep, and people have preferences. The idea is to be safe about it no matter where your kid passes out.

Reuben bed-shared with me since he was born. I mean, he was the infant who didn't sleep so I needed to do what I could to make sure I slept. Sleep is important; I wasn't about to have mental health issues over sleep deprivation when I could easily get more and better sleep bedsharing! I'ts now been two years he has slept with me.

I knew I wanted to transition him to his own space before our new child was born, and this video details how I went from bedsharing to cosleeping with no fuss, no tears and in only one week. Reuben loves his crib now, and most nights he sleeps for 8 hours by himself!

Merry Christmas!

all the gifts!

We have had a good Christmas morning. My two-year old loved his first stocking experience! We played play-do right after (he's been out forever) and read both books he received! Now in true toddler fashion he is refusing to eat his waffle for breakfast and demanding Christmas candy.

The hard thing is my husband woke up sick, Reuben is fighting a cold, and I am now 36 weeks pregnant and tired! There is crust-less cheesecake in the fridge and large bacon salads for lunch, sugar free dark chocolate for this gestational diabetes mama--so not all is lost.

I'm relaxing in my PJs and dreaming about donuts. And not the sugar free kind.

Reuben's Room Tour (2 years)

I filmed a room tour about a year ago but his room has changed so much! So naturally I filmed another. I can't believe how much less he owns compared to last year. Not that it matters, but I noticed the difference. 

His room is still Totoro themed from My Neighbor Totoro, but we subtracted a lot of furniture and added a play kitchen. He loves his kitchen! What does your toddler play with?

Reuben's Favorite Books

Library books can be hit and miss for a toddler. Have you ever noticed that? I find about 50% of the books we check out he just isn't interested in at all, and will wiggle out of my arms to go get another, or just close the book and say "all done". And it's for many different reasons. Some have too many words. Some are really uninteresting. Some have pictures that just don't translate well for little ones.

But some are perfect. And this post is about Reuben's top three library books that he loves, and that we check out over and over and even request holds on!

The first one he really enjoys is The Bear Ate Your Sandwich. Even I enjoyed this one! There is a cute little twist at the end, and the whole tale is well drawn and well written. I don't tire of reading about how bears make it to big cities to steal sandwiches from little girls.

When we picked up Panda Pants at the library I read it six times to Reuben in the first day. Daddy does the best voices, and also read it to him a lot that day too! It's written like a conversation, and it's really easy for a toddler to understand and grasp. Also, the drawings are vivid but not cluttered: perfect for a very distractable toddler who gets overwhelmed by lots of colors and prints easily. I did get tired of reading it so much (he like LOVES it to the point of obsession) but we will be checking it out again.

reading panda pants to himself

The last, but definitely not least book that we enjoy is There's a Bear on my Chair. This book also has simple, clear pictures that are done well. And the words are large and easy to read. But my favorite part, as the parent reading the book, is the rhyme! The story rhymes and flows well and is fun to read aloud to my toddler. Who loves pointing to the mouse! And also, the mouse's sweaters are to die for and I must knit a miniature version!

What does your toddler like to read? Please give me suggestions! Hunting through rows of books at the library with a squirmy toddler is difficult. Usually I just grab and go, and we end up with a lot of duds.
 
Have you read any of these?

Reuben 22 Months

Reuben is getting so big. I will probably say that until he turns 18! He is so wonderful. He has a sweet heart, and a joyful spirit. His favorite things are his Daniel Tiger doll and his ball pit. He also loves going outside and begs every day for me to "go outside look at birds" (his words, not mine). I love being outdoors with him when it's cool!

He wants to climb on everything. He's still sleeping in bed with us and still nursing. I don't mind at all! We did try to transition him to a bed in his room around 18 months but I hated getting up and down when he woke up every night. Now I just nurse him back to sleep, except for the rare times he decides to get up and stay up (those times are not fun). I can't wait for him to turn two! I can't imagine being the mom of a two year old. It sounds...strange. Will it really be two years since I had a baby? Woah.

He's so curious about everything. I love having adventures with him. Ever since he was small, we would tell him we were "going on an adventure" when we left the house. Now when we start to put his shoes on he says "going adventure going adventure" and my heart just melts!

Reuben is 22 months and I am amazed. I love you Reuben Alexander!

Why Won't My Toddler Eat?

For most of his short life, Reuben has never been a picky eater. At six months when we started solids, he would try anything! At nine months he'd eat almost anything I put in front of him, and always wanted to try what was on my plate. At thirteen months he basically ate what we did, with few exceptions.

Except for the past five weeks. These past five weeks he won't eat ANYTHING. I mean it. I've begged (only in my head, because the one thing other moms seem to agree on is "don't force your kid to eat things, because that will associate negative emotions with food" so. I don't force him. I just ask. A lot.)

all the food he never eats

It all started when he came down with a stomach bug. He threw up for four days and wouldn't even drink water. Thank God I was still breastfeeding or he would have ended up in the hospital by the end of day one.

I assumed his lack of interest in food was due to his illness, but it took him three weeks to start eating just breakfast again, when he used to eat three meals a day. I feed him the same thing for breakfast every morning because I am tired and I'm not about to cook something that early. I make him gluten free vegan toast in our toaster oven (he's allergic to milk and eggs and I am gluten free, so I wanted to be able to eat it too) and pair it with half a container of coconut yogurt. Sometimes I make bacon or sausages. I realize this isn't the most nutritious breakfast, but I'm just happy my toddler eat something, and that I have the energy to place it in front of him. On a mostly clean high chair. And on a exceptionally clean plate. 

But he still won't eat lunch or dinner. He'll just play with his food. And throw it on the floor. While I hold back my temper and don't shove it down his throat.

I've tried making up games and having him feed me to help solicit good eating behavior. At the bequest of a friend, we cut out all snacks to see if he was just surviving off the jello and green smoothie I also make (mostly for myself but I also give it to him) and share with him. After one week of him still refusing to eat lunch and dinner even when I cut out the snacks, I cut them back in. Because he needs to eat something.

Last week I made pumpkin brownies and we found out that Reuben is allergic to pumpkins.

You can guess how amused I was at that. (not at all) Also, he may potentially have issues with tomatoes, but I haven't figured it out yet. If you know me in real life, I could use a food-related hug. Also, don't get offended when I can't go out to eat. My toddler's life is too important and the thought of trying to take him somewhere new is panic-inducing. I always like to skim the menu beforehand on the internet for him. And for me. Because I can't eat gluten.

Prayers. We need prayers.

Right now it's been five weeks of this refusing food fiasco and I am just done. What happened to my happy eater who would try everything and was always begging for more? I want him back.

At least he'll drink the cashew milk when I'm not looking.

But oh why oh why won't he eat anything else?

My Toddler's Minamilist Caspule Wardrobe

I don't use a capsule wardrobe for myself. However, for my wiggly toddler, utilizing a capsule wardrobe has lowered my stress, made it easy to fold and put away laundry, and helped me and my husband know exactly where everything is.

Also, he gets to wear everything he owns. I hate it when he owns clothes he never wears. It feels like a waste. I mean, what is life unless he can spit up on all his shirts?

I don't know why it works, but it does. I find a capsule wardrobe simplifies and reduces my anxiety about clothing, laundering, and overall wardrobe toddler management.

He owns enough clothes for one full week without washing. Since I wash his clothes twice a week, its an easy and manageable number, and if I miss a wash, he still has things to wear. I'm not overwhelmed with the sheer number of items he has, I don't have to hunt for his favorite shirt or his cutest pajamas. They are always clean every week for him to wear to bed!

Everything in the video we bought for around $60-$70 USD. Some things were gifted by family for birthdays, but the majority of it I bought from a used children's store called Once Upon A Child. We plan on buying him a spring capsule from there too.

Enjoy the video!

Why I Became a Crazy Crunchy Mom

There are lots of articles out there about things crunchy moms do, like cloth diaper, eat organic, and buy only sustainable clothing. I've written some of these articles myself.

But I've never seen anyone write about why they decided to become crunchy.

Now, I'm not one for labels. In the sense of degradation or shame, I mean. I'm all for labels for, well, labeling stuff. Calling an apple and apple. I am a crunchy mom. I like being a crunchy mom. I'm not trying to call anyone else a crunchy mom, or make you feel bad for not being a crunchy mom. I am who I am because I made these choices and I like them. I assume the same for you. Let's just get that out of the way, shall we?

First off, a "crunchy mom" is a mom who likes more natural products and more natural parenting. Think elderberry syrup instead of antibiotics, cloth diapers instead of plastic, and babywearing. Lots of babywearing.

I didn't know I was going to be a crunchy mom.

Really, I didn't. I didn't know what kind of mom I was. I was only afraid at first. Reuben was so tiny, I was so...tired. That sums up the first few months.

But every mom has to make decisions, and my decisions have all been crunchy. Except for my laundry detergent; that is not crunchy. We use Tide Free and Gentle. I wash poop, people. In my washing machine. I need a strong detergent.

Every parent makes decisions. I think as long as you love your child and are making well informed decisions that you are a good parent. As in, try. Don't guess. Be deliberate about it. Your child is worth researching all decisions that impact them. In matters where it might be gray (most matters, honestly) at least make an educated guess. Obviously, my parenting won't look like yours because I am not you. I also am not parenting your child. I don't have to understand your parenting decisions either, because we are different, but I can respect them even if I'm confused. At least, that is what I think. I don't get why people are mad because I don't understand why they do a certain thing to their child. Um, explain it to me. Or tell me to mind my own business. But I'm entitled to my opinion and you to yours.

I don't go around telling people what I think of their choices usually, but sometimes it comes up when, they, you know, ask me. Don't ask if you don't want to honestly hear why I don't understand that you feed your child sugar. Because I won't understand.

I think a lot of moms go into this thinking many things are black and white, when really nothing is. We all make mistakes, we all fail. We don't need other people to validate our opinions either. Many moms want this, and that is why they get their proverbial panties in a wad when people have the audacity to do things differently.

If there was one thing I could tell moms, it would be that: you don't need other people to validate your opinions or choices. Make them, and then OWN the crap out of them because you know your child and you are his/her mother. But research first, of course. You get the drift.

But back to why I'm a crunchy mom.

It really has to do with choice, with my background and experiences, and my research. That's it. I choose to be one because I feel like it is the best choice for my family, and because my research and experiences have led me here.

I'm not a crunchy mom because I think eating non-organic carrots is sinful and should be punishable by stoning.

I'm not a crunchy mom because I think drinking pasteurized milk is horrific and you deserve to be smeared on twitter.

I'm not a crunchy mom because I think putting a disposable diaper on a child should be met with the evil eye of wasteful doom. Or that every time you do it you need to hear a lecture about landfills. No parent deserves to be lectured, and least of all about landfills. That we all use. And are grateful for.

I'm not a crunchy mom because I think if you feed your child day old pizza from a chain store on plastic plate is synonymous with child abuse. Because pizza equals hitting your child? Clearly not.

I am crunchy mom because I made the choice for my family. I enjoy what I do and I feel my family benefits from it. Sure, I believe cloth diapers are more sustainable for the environment, but that doesn't mean disposable diaper users have to feel guilty for making a different choice. I made a choice that was best for my family, and I own it. I love it, and I celebrate the freedom to continue making that choice, as should you.

And that is why I became a crazy crunchy mom.

(My husband said I became one just to annoy him) (hahaha husband) (he didn't mean it, he loves me)

Toddler Room Tour (1yr)

I'm really loving being a (unintentional) minimalist. I fell into minimalism after birthing a high maintenance child. Really the only reason I do it is that less stuff is less work. Less work means more free time to focus on the things I really love, like knitting, sewing, and spending time with my family. I have less stress thinking about cleaning, because as a minimalist less time is devoted to cleaning. It works, for me. I am not one of those minimalists who thinks my lower carbon footprint likens me to some kind of height on the sanctimony totem pole. No, I really do it from a purely survival standpoint.

My son's nursery also benefits from minimalism. Less toys to clean up, less things to distract him (he gets overwhelmed easily) and also, he plays well with what he has. He can play with blocks all day, so why clutter his tower building space with things he can't or doesn't want to play with?

In our tiny home, it just works to maintain a minimalist mindset. Reuben's room is just under 200sq feet, so keeping it open allows him to have use of a good space for moving, wiggling and whatever else toddlers do on an hourly basis.

We picked a totoro theme for his nursery. My Neighbor Totoro is one of my favorite movies, and now it's one of Reuben's, too! (It's the first one he ever watched!) I have lots of hidden totoros in his play space, and he loves playing with them. He calls them "tow-tows". It's as adorable as you can imagine.


If you want to see what his "nursery" was like when he was born, go here. And this is a video of what we were working with around his 2 month mark; it's the same as the above blog post, but just in video format. We started out with not having a nursery--he lived in our space. Now that he is a toddler, he really needs his own space--so I am glad we set up his nursery right before his first birthday.

What Reuben Eats in a Week

Toddler food. Or, what I like to call it: food. You know, because toddler's don't need special food just for them--they really can, and do eat what adults do. Except for in cases of allergies, and Reuben has many--he eats what we do. Just smaller portions. And sometimes it ends up on the floor, but what can you do.

I love feeding my toddler. And it's nice, he loves food. Most of the time. I mean, he is a toddler.

So what did Reuben eat for dinner this week?

Day one: vegan, gluten free bread (he has an egg and dairy allergy) gluten free stuffing, cranberries, humus, and chicken. Since I have a gluten allergy, most everything he eats is also gluten free. So, you know, I can eat it too. Mamma doesn't have time to make separate meals for everyone.

Day two: leftover gluten free stuffing, mandarin oranges, chicken (aaand he dumped his plate haha)

Day three: chicken sausage, red bell peppers and kale skillet cooked, with a side of sweet potato. He ate only the sweet potato and the sausage, showing his true toddlerness for once. He wouldn't eat a bell pepper at all. I tried.

Day four: peas and carrots, corn and quinoa noodles, tomato, humus and green olives.

Day five: chicken salad, crackers, olives, and homemade jello with grass fed beef gelatin

 Day six: peas, apples, and baked carrots with coconut milk

Day seven: Green curry that he immediately dumped out and threw his bowl on the floor when I went to grab my phone to take a picture. Can you tell how pleased he is with himself?

----
I really enjoy cooking. I like cleaning up a very messy toddler less. And I really dislike the chore of scrubbing down a high chair. Mostly because it happens 3x or more a day...breakfast, lunch, dinner...not to mention any snacks that I feed him in it! I am so over the thing.

Reuben turns 18 months soon, and I can't wait to see how his tastes improve, and learn what his favorite foods are. Right now it seems to be olives. The boy can eat his weight in olives, and when I give them to him it's always the first thing he devours. 

The Toddlerly-ist Toddler

Look at this angel face. This is my toddler when he wakes up. Isn't he cute? Yes, he may be adorable now, but just wait. Because I have the toddlerly-ist toddler. My toddler is more toddler than yours.

My toddler is so toddler he stands on slides, proclaiming his prowess to the world.

He thinks chairs, and food, are like the best things ever, and will tell you about each one in his cutest and most astute toddler speech. He's the most self-assured toddler I've met.

You know what is also the best thing ever? Doors. They are made to sit in, did you know?

And cabinets. Shirts are for losers. My toddler only likes shirts when it suits him. And never when it suits me. Or in public.

This is how my toddler sits in chairs. Need I say more?

Please, if you thought his escapades were eye-roll worthy, just look at his smolder. I could swoon.

And one time he got stuck in a pot. Can you see it? He was very pleased with himself. And also stuck.

Also, I promise I didn't give my toddler sugar, beer, wine, or any other non-toddler approved substance before the above picture was taken...any of the above pictures. Me on the other hand...

Anyway. There you have it. Proof of my toddler's toddlery-ness. My toddler clearly excels at being a toddler. If only I was as good a mom as he was a toddler. If he gets an award, can it be made out of dark chocolate and wine? No reasons, of course. But since my toddler can't drink wine...