An awesome week. That is all I can remember about it. We did stuff!
Tuesday, August 4, 2020
Thursday, July 30, 2020
Here are my symptoms:
1) gut bloating2) headache (front forehead mostly)3) extreme fatigue4) on and off sore throat5) feel weak6) blurry vision7) extreme light and touch sensitivity8) brain fog
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
Thursday, July 23, 2020
Why is adulating so hard?
Today, I wanted to spray the grass between our stones. It looks like this.
It's because we installed them wrong (there is supposed to be sand below them) but we did it all ourselves and didn't know any better, so grass grows under them. One day we will move them all, put sand down like you are supposed to, and place them back, but that day is not this day. Last summer we sprayed them with a mixture of salt, water, and soap so the weeds died. This summer between my miscarriages and chronic fatigue, we have done nothing to keep them from growing, and thus...the problem. The problem that we caused in the first place by doing it ourselves.
Self sabotage is the theme of 2020. Or is it just my 30s? Besides the stones, our garden also needs help. It is completely overgrown with weeds. We need to rototiller and cover it. In one corner of the garden a tree is growing, I kid you not. And why is it so overgrown and unmanageable? Why, you ask, has it become a massive job instead of an easy one? Well, we didn't take care of it because of the thousands of other things in our life crowded “fix garden” out of our heads causing the afterthought and thus also the aforementioned problem.
After feeling sorry for myself for thirty minutes, I sat down to make a list of all the big chores that need to get done this year. My list was an thinly veiled attempt to micromanage my anxiety at the growing number of problems that need our attention. (This is not the order we should do them in. I am not that fancy.)
new siding for house
buy/ assemble bunk-bed for kids room
buy/ assemble 2 closets for living room
paint main room
fix garden (remove walls, rototiller, new dirt, cover)
replace carpet in spare room
hang window cover
rocks to driveway?
|our house walls are still two colors of white.|
After compiling said list, I then had a panic attack followed by a mid-life crisis. Why does something always need to be done??? And why is is a bazillion dollars to hire someone to do it for you?!
Also, do you know how many of the things I know how to do on this list? Possibly three of them, maybe four of them. Poor Brian always is saddled with a disproportionate amount of the heavy labor. For one, I never did anything with my hands growing up while he knows how to do all these things? For two, I also never learned it in school. (Brian did learn some of this in school) They should teach painting and carpentry in sixth form because most people will own a home one day and need to know how to hang a shelf. And, I could use manual labor-type skills a lot more than trying to figure out “how many apples Clarence has in his truck in Africa while going 40 kilometers a mile down a dirt road with a Cheetah chasing him” skills. Poor Brian also has the least amount of free time in our family due to working 50 hours a week yet has to do 90% of the manual labor.
When I try to think about myself “finishing a shed” I literally don't even know where to begin so...it's not like I can add a lifetimes worth of DIY with my non-existent dad (I was raised by a single mom for most of my life) in one afternoon. I envy Brian his knowledge sometime.
Even if I lack many skills, I can learn. I learned how to hang a shelf last weekend only to find out the shelf we had was not made correctly and would not work. Back to goodwill it goes. What a waste of my time, I guess. But I did learn how to find studs. It is just so frustrating to try and do something only to have it not work, like the weed-spraying story I was telling you about above that I never finished. I made the mixture (Two parts water, one part salt, and soap) but THE SPRAYER WOULDN'T WORK. So I dumped it all out on the weeds in frustration. Husband came down stairs to tell me I put too much salt, that the sprayer I was using needed four parts water to one part salt. Ugh. I felt like giving up but instead I am complaining on the internet so people can laugh with me. Or at me. I won't know, so go ahead. I spent an hour of my life making that stuff (you have to boil the water so the salt will mix) all to have it not work.
Is life a joke?
Sometimes I feel like I really am a hamster running on my little wheel inside my cage going nowhere, fast.
Anyway I'm going to take a break and pray we get something done this year. I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I love our home, but there is so much to be done and I don't know how to do it.
I need to pray for my attitude because it's in a frustrated place today.
Why did we have to buy a fixer-upper? I need a time machine. Or maybe why did we buy a fixer upper and 8 years later STILL NOT HAVE IT FIXED?? omg.
Is adulating just a painstaking roulette wheel of fixing problems you yourself caused in the first place??
Unfortunately there isn't a cure for stupidity. Help.
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Thursday, July 16, 2020
A friend of mine asked me today what this season had taught me. And wow, I have learned a lot. I've learned God is all you have when your health abandons you. I mean, I knew God was everything and all I could rely on before—but now I've experienced it on a very uncomfortable level. Good health, even with my autoimmune issues, is a privilege and I'm so grateful to have a functioning body again. I hope I shall have one for a long while.
I've learned that people are extremely diverse, and I am not talking about skin color. Covid and the hysteria of masked-vs-nomask, the stress of reopening and all the new rules is a horrible thing to watch unfold on Facebook. I'm definitely homeschooling even though I'd already decided to do so a long time ago. I'm now like 600x more interested in my kindergartner NOT WEARING A MASK ALL DAY. A five year old does not need to worry about how many feet he is from his classmate while he learns.
But the drama. Oh, the drama. I am going to stay out of it from here on out. I wear a mask, when I can, and I don't when I can't and I am the same sinful person on the inside no matter what virtue I happen to be signaling at the grocery store.
The race stuff is just horrible to see. It is so sad to see people still being hurt and shamed over the color of their skin in 2020. But the hilarious part of it all is seeing all the white people scrambling around trying to let everyone know how non-racist they are. Their facebooks scream LOOK AT ME OVER HERE WHITE LADY NOT BEING RACIST LOOK AT ALL THE BLACK-POSITIVE POSTS I AM MAKING EVEN THOUGH I NEVER SHARED A SINGLE BLACK RELATED ITEM IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
It's getting old. Sharing a post on Facebook does very little. But maybe they're doing things in real life too. I just spent two weeks on my couch, so I clearly shouldn't talk.
The world won't change until we do. And even then it's still going to be a corrupt cesspool where our politicians visit islands to rape children. The last four presidents we have elected have been absolutely corrupt from the sex and rape scandals of Bill Clinton to Trump, whose policies I actually like but who has a mouth like a high school prick and has said things about women I won't even dare repeat here. Is this really the best we can do, America? Where are all the decent young men and women I was promised in poli sci. My grandfather Robert could run the nation better and he won't insult all of womankind in the process, but I guess he isn't famous enough. Like, can we please have a candidate with good morals AND good politics? Is this too much to ask?
I've learned that my kids are always getting older and it sucks but it's also wonderful. I'm getting older too, and I like that part at least right now. My husband is also old but he tries to jump around like he's a 13 year old boy with a new skateboard and scare me half the time. Like just sit down Brian please remember you are 35 and work in a cubicle. I love you anyway.
And yup, that mostly sums up the past 14 weeks of 2020. Miscarriage sucks; I still don't understand the stock market...and why has the price of food skyrocketed?! Someone wake me up and tell me its 1999 and I can color in my Lisa Frank notebook with my gel pens.
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Thursday, July 9, 2020
Tuesday, July 7, 2020
This week I will call "adventures in chronic fatigue". It was bad. I was sleepy almost all of the time. I pushed through. I did a lot of resting and also alpine-climb style parented. I stayed off Facebook and Instagram for my mental health, and I tried to remain active in my community. God is still good even when the world feels divisive and crazy.
Sunday, July 5, 2020
Thursday, July 2, 2020
Monday, June 29, 2020
Thursday, June 25, 2020
Monday, June 22, 2020
Thursday, June 18, 2020
|we take naps now, and sometimes I take selfies|
In the middle of 2019 I was doing great. I had the best gut health in years. I actually felt hope! I was able to enjoy life and we were even thinking about having another baby.
Tuesday, June 16, 2020
Thursday, June 11, 2020
Learning this has helped me shift through the internet's homeschool ideas and throw out what doesn't work for us and keep what does.
Tuesday, June 9, 2020
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Repent and believe. Repentance is what we need, white or black, brown or cream. Nothing we humans can do can cover the racism and pain that people of color have dealt with across the world. No hashtag or protest can cleanse the welts from the backs of slaves. Our past is dirty and riddled with shame. But the love of God, and his nail scared hands...his blood is a beautiful picture of forgiveness in death. Only Jesus saves.
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
Saturday, May 30, 2020
|I got this mask from here)|
First off, this is three months later. THREE MONTHS after VA shut down due to coronavirus. People don’t even wear masks here!! About half of the people I see in the store wear one, and even the employees working don’t wear them. This is how it’s been for weeks, and Lynchburg is fine.
But now, masks are needed? This is Virginia's second week in a "soft opening" (called phase 1) where some non essential business can reopen (under strict guidelines) and things have been going great! We Virginians have been walking around for three months with only mask-wearing being suggested, and we are doing fine. There was absolutely no reason to make masks mandatory. Many people do not even have access to masks because you can't find them anywhere! Also, children under 10 are exempt, so if wearing a mask actually protects me/you but my kids are walking around with me, you will catch it from them if our family has it because my kids/me breathe the same air and live in the same house. My children are too small to wear masks, Reuben is 4 and Rebekah is 2. I do sometimes have to bring them places (we spent the first 5 weeks staying home absolutely because we didn't know how hard our area would be hit but I need to get things we have run out now, and my husband works a ton) Anyway, me wearing a mask while they don't doesn't do anything. Nothing. At all. Read the studies. This one is particularly interesting.
"One randomized controlled clinical trial of cloth masks, published in BMJ Open in 2015, compared their effectiveness with that of medical masks worn by hospital healthcare workers. (2) The study, involving the industry partner 3M (which makes medical masks), reported that healthcare workers 'should not use cloth masks as protection against respiratory infection. Cloth masks resulted in significantly higher rates of infection than medical masks, and also performed worse than the control arm.'"
Friday, May 29, 2020
Monday, May 25, 2020
Week six was a sweet spot! I started a sourdough starter, read a lot, we saw friends and even ventured out to the park to play!! I went to the store without a mask for the first time. I began to calm down about the news, pray more, and refocus my attention on God and my tiny family. Our area is not hit hard, and I am continuing to pray for those who are.
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Monday, May 18, 2020
This is also the week I began to suspect I was pregnant again, which seriously stressed me out due to my infertility and miscarriage issues. I'm so happy to say my little one is still around! (or was when I scheduled this post)