Some Motherhood Thoughts About Food

I'm so tired of the meal-eating problem we have in our house. No matter what meal it is, there is usually one child that doesn't like it and won't eat it. Well, I say won't but they usually do eventually because hunger is a great motivator. Today for breakfast I made bagels with butter because we are out of cream cheese. Two of us had guacamole bagels and two of us had just plain butter--I put kimchi on my guacamole bagel, it was delicious. Anyway, one of my children turned up his nose at the bagel. Yesterday it was a different child who didn't like pancakes, of all things.

I will say that the reactions we have around food are so much better then they were 3-4 years ago when there were tears and not just angst at the dinner table. So maybe I should be grateful and not frazzled. 

I'm trying to teach my children that we eat for our bodies, not for entertainment. It is a hard lesson even for me to learn. This morning everyone seems to have eaten their breakfast bagel...at least I don't see any sitting around. 

We have a rule in our house where you are allowed to say once "Mom (or dad) I really don't like _______ and I request it not be added to a weekly rotation." And that's it. I don't want to hear it's yucky, I don't want to hear how much you don't like it and how disappointed you are or how tired you are or how you wish you were eating _______. And definitely no crying over food. 

My rule is if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it, and that's the end of it. My children are welcome to skip meals if they wish, I simply don't want to hear a rant about how unhappy they are over broccoli or meat sauce or crispy apples for thirty minutes while I try to enjoy my food.

This rule is great but when people are tired or generally overstimulated they forget and suddenly I'm listening to a deluge of whines as if I didn't just cook and clean for the last 45 minutes. 

I also want to teach the idea that food and themselves are not at odds. It's not a battle. Eating is a choice and eating nourishes your body. One of my children was quite picky (see the previous last 3-4 years of my life) and just now has blossomed into a child who will eat almost everything as long as they aren't in a bad mood or emotionally distressed, for the most part. This was a very slow uphill revelation that I have prayed about for many years. I'm glad that all my children now can eat healthy food and I hope they grow up to teach their children how to nourish and love their bodies with broccoli and noodles and olive oil and  occasional ice cream. 

As for how this transformation took place it has been a slow alpine climb of introducing trigger foods and regulating my own stress so as not to negatively react (which causes said child to react with strong opposition) and it's half of just letting them be and also mirroring a healthy attachment to foods myself. I have hopefully shown all my children how to enjoy all the food groups. We have also read two health books together. One is How To Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor and the other is Journey Back to Health. We also in the first 18 months of this journey did allow this child to make a substitution for their meal if they really hated it. Then we slowly eased this out. We started gently encouraging them to eat what they liked out of the meal--for example, all the carrots in curry or all the potatoes from the soup. 

We did not do any punishments or incentives to get them to eat. In the beginning I did try this and it backfired drastically, making mommy or daddy the bad guy who wouldn't let a movie be watched or ice cream be had because a meal wasn't eaten. Everyone gets ice cream when we choose to have it no matter how much, or how little, has been consumed. 

so little....this was years ago!

Anyway, I am not sure how much I actually did that helped and how much has just been growth, but here we are with children that eat almost everything but still have ideas about what they would like to be eating. It's a struggle. 

As for me, I have been beside myself to find interesting breakfasts. I could literally eat the same thing for breakfast every day. A bagel with something (hummus? guacamole? avocado? eggs?) on top with either sauerkraut or kimchi. The kids are not interested in conveyer belt breakfast. I also really want to add veggies to our mornings but I can't figure out how. American breakfasts are often devoid of vegetables. I know in my head it's perfectly fine to eat salad or leftovers or whatever for any meal of the day but my habits recoil at lunch for a morning meal. It just feels weird.

I need to reinvent breakfast at my house and next week I plan to do just that. I'm thinking of adding in yogurt bowls with fruit (and maybe granola) and trying a rice bowl with beans for those who can have them and roasted veggies for all. Salsa and sour cream? I also want to try to create a quiche that everyone will eat. I feel like I really could "hide" veggies in that. 

What are some other easy/fun breakfasts? I need ideas. 

I Shut her Toes in the Door

Today ended with me shutting Esther's toes in the van sliding door. Ugh. Can we just take a moment for the reality of that? Esther is two--and this is her last week to be two--and she had to spend the first part of her birthday week sick with some respiratory virus and now she's going to spend the second part of it with broken toes, or so my panicked thoughts were telling me as I ran towards the door with my screaming child. 

It was terrible. I got her inside and gave her arnica 1M and aconite 200 and put on her favorite movie (Totoro) while Becky fetched ice and I tried not to cry because Esther was already crying and I can't believe I shut her toes in the door. Her toes are fine. None of them are black or blue and all are still attached and everything wiggles correctly, she walks normally and she seems herself now. I let her eat her dinner on the couch and even ice cream. Poor Esther. And poor mama, it's so hard to see my little one in pain and also know... I was the one who did that, however accidentally. 

I texted Brian to come home immediately and he also checked her out. She really is okay, only a little shaken up of course but who could blame her? And all her toes are okay. I keep checking them and her and giving her lots of hugs. 

Anyway I wanted to get on here and write about how my week has been (long, crazy, terrible, and full of sick) but all I could think about was Esther's Toes so here we are. 

Thank you Lord for not letting me squish/mangle/maim her poor little toes. Also, can we go back in time and make sliding van doors Not Exist, that would be great. 

So, the week. I'll start with last week. I was getting into a good groove when I accidentally ate a supplement I had in the back of my cabinet. I was cleaning it out and I found a bunch that I was thinking I should finish up. 

It was a colossal mistake. The supplement was IGG and it was made of cow's blood. I am allergic to cow. To be fair, I read the bottle and it just said "Immunoglobulin A" on it and it didn't say anything about that being dairy. Thursday I woke up having the worst almost anaphylactic reaction I have ever had to alpha gal. I was legit thinking I should go to the ER. I tried a bunch of homeopathy and grape seed extract pills, charcoal and slippery elm. Nothing was helping. I tried crying and giving up on life. Not much improvement there, losing one's moral is never good.  

Anyway, I was miserable, my nose was streaming, the top of my mouth and my throat were completely covered in hives and I was basically non-functional. I barely made it through the day. I think I should have gone to the doctor, and I don't know what I was thinking (hint: I wasn't) but I'm still here today so that's something to be grateful for. 

For those of you that have questions, yes I did have some Benadryl however the internet could not give me a direct answer if it was dairy and alpha-gal free. The best I could see was maybe...and I wasn't going to risk my life again for a maybe. I was already in so much pain I didn't want to take something that might make it worse. But I did keep the bottle next to my bed because if things got scary it would be a great last resort as we drove to the hospital.

I was bedridden almost all of Friday. For some reason I thought I had a fever too, but surely anaphylactic shock doesn't cause fevers? And my nose/sinuses were going crazy and my throat was awful. All of that will make sense later but, right now I thought I just had an alpha gal reaction. My homeopathic doctor friend (yes, she has a degree. I actually know two homeschooling moms with homeopathic degrees) told me to take Apis, Carb Acid and Urtica in a 10M, so I did and it worked amazingly. Instant better. But I still had a very bad stuffy nose and my throat hurt and now it did feel like I definitely had a fever... but I pushed through, or tried too, thanking God that at least my hives were going away and maybe the rest of my symptoms would disappear soon. It usually takes a week for me to return to normal after an alpha gal attack, so I was just trying to move on with life and keep going.  

Saturday Esther woke up with a respiratory infection. She was miserable. We still had to go grocery shopping so I tried to be quick and on the way home I noticed...hey, I feel pretty bad too. That's when I realized we were both sick. And that was why my anaphylactic response felt so bad--I had it with the onset of covid/flu or whatever. It certainly felt like covid. Anyway, after only a few hours of normal adulting, I was back in bed trying to remember how to breathe from the elephant sitting on my lungs. I gave myself two garlic enemas, took fire cider and a bunch of supplements and homeopathy and...we all missed church on Sunday because Daddy and Reuben decided to catch it too.

Becky seems to be catching it right now, while the rest of us are just about to be done. 

Poor Becky. She thought she had escaped.

All to say it has been a week. I've gotten a lot less done than I wanted, obviously, due to the sickness and the Life Events (poor toes!) but God is still so wonderful and good and I see his blessings and mercy over my life. He is wondrous and the Earth he has made is full of his goodness and even in the midst of alpha gal attacks and possibly-covid, I will sing praises to his name.

Here are some pictures of the parts of our week that were amazing:

Esther wants to do math whenever Becky does now, so I give her one of Becky's extra worksheets that we don't use and she absolutely loves it.

She's gotten so good with the scooter!

My comfy bloomed! Also, Esther has fallen in love with drawing. Becky did at this age too, if I am remembering correctly...

And this picture of Becky and Esther with their friends at the creek is the best. 

Yes, I know I have not a single picture of Reuben--who was climbing the mountain with Danny the entire time, or laid up in bed sick and definitely not wanting me to take a picture of him. Reuben stays sick longer due to his breathing and immune system issues that we are trying to work on...

I'm hoping we can all quickly get over this cold and finish up our last two weeks of school and launch into summer. Bring on the pool! And I have plans to tie dye and start some new crafts like wood burning with the kids... so excited. 

And Esther's third birthday party is just a few days away! 

I Got Ahead of Myself

The highs and lows of a chronic illness are extreme. I was so thankful to find a cure for my debilitating allergy attacks, hives, asthma (I haven't used my breathing tea since I went mammal free) and middle of the night mild anaphylaxis...its been great. I definitely think I have alpha gal. 

But in my excitement I thought maybe some of my other symptoms might go away too and I find myself kinda sad today that I still have chronic fatigue. 

Today I went on a play date with another home-school mom, it was my first time meeting her and it was awesome. She has a 9 year old who loves to play chess and my 10 year old also loves to play chess. Her son beat mine three times! Reuben had a blast though, he wants to keep trying and playing. But there was my chronic fatigue making it so hard to concentrate. And hard to walk. And hard to keep track of my kids. I just wanted to go home. We stayed 2.5 hours and then I was a couch potato for an hour and now I am making roasted yams, fish and broccoli for dinner. 

I think chronic fatigue has been one of my hardest symptoms. It comes, and never with any kind of warning. It stays and then just disappears one day maybe for 24, 36 hours or sometimes a week. It always comes back. Sometimes I start the day okay and by lunch have chronic fatigue...

Today I am trying to focus on the good. I am better! Even a little bit counts! The hard realization that I am still sick is just life, and facing reality is better than trying to ignore it. My life won't look like the life of a person who is healthy. Not everyone is going to understand that, and that's also okay. 

I can still have dreams even with a chronic illness. They may be modified, slower dreams, but I can still dream them.

And I can still raise beautiful babies. God's blessings are so evident in my life. He is so good and he has been good to me, too.

What Chronic Illness makes hard: being intimate with my spouse, cooking, cleaning, parenting, homeschooling, going to church, volunteering, going out of my house, laundry, exercising, driving, moving, standing up, concentrating, singing...

What Chronic Illness doesn't make hard (for me): sunsets, warm days, reading books, listening to music, enjoying chocolate, smiling at my husband when he gets home from work, making lists, hugging my babies...

There is still joy to be found even in the hard parts. Thanks be to the Lord!

I don't know what I'm doing half the time

Today was supposed to be great. I set my alarm so I could have time to clean the kitchen and get organized before the kids woke up but they woke up first and everything went wrong from there.

So I only have to laugh at myself. Life is not orderly. I can try as much as I can but one human against three with appliances that break, grocery lists that get forgotten and the amount of brain fog I have on a daily basis...why do I even get out of bed?

It's because I love this. Most of the time. 

I think sometimes my priorities are wrong.

Like today, at breakfast. I've been having a really hard time doing Esther's hair lately. She's been screaming and throwing tantrums any time I try. So, I've been doing her hair while she watches Bluey most of the time. 

Today it did not work. Full on tantrum over hair. This is after her hair cut her hair is shorter and less tangly so it takes less than one minute to brush it out. And I use a spray bottle with detangler in it. 

Anyway, she's crying, I'm holding and singing to her (after the hair brushing is done) and she is literally fighting me, but when I put her down she just runs and clings to my leg. I'm at the end of my rope. My other two kids are trying to eat breakfast while this is happening and husband is making coffee. I'm trying to communicate with my 2 year old and asking her to tell me what's wrong, but she's just screaming and fighting me and having inconsolable tears over her 45 seconds of hair brushing. I'm ready to cry myself and lock myself in my room and skip church and why is this happening? I don't understand. Does she understand? Hair needs to be brushed. I don't want to take her to church looking like a neglected urchin. I want to take her to church looking like a cute cherub. 

I'm telling her, while rocking her, that hair needs to be brushed and mama will try to be gentle and I'm trying to remain calm all while she's flailing around and screaming bloody murder...

Becky comes over. Becky tells me that Esther is crying because she just wants to do her hair by herself. I'm thinking Becky is crazy and this is not helpful. Becky gives Esther her 3-D printed egg to hold and suddenly Esther is fine. She goes to the table and starts brushing her own hair. She's happy. She says, mommy, I want to do it myself! 

So Becky was right and I do not understand my own child. And I'm sad because doing Esther's hair is one of my favorite things! But she wants to do it herself.

She currently has all the bows in her hair that we own.

All of this happened before 9am. 

Being two is hard.

Being 38 is hard too.

I'm eating chocolate before church and packing my favorite journaling pens, and praying that Esther won't run all the way up to the pulpit this Sunday. 

My 10-Item Summer Wardrobe

I have been loving this challenge. My first rendition of it was such an amazing blessing-- no decision fatigue in the morning and everything goes with everything. 10 out of 10 recommend. 

I'm still breastfeeding Esther either 5 for 15 times a day, I swear this child is giving my boobs whiplash! I plan to wean it out around Christmas but who knows. Since she is most likely my last baby perhaps I will nurse her until 3. 

Above, we have my shirts and dresses. I have four linen shirts. I wear the first two, the blue floral and the gold shirt the most. I have only worn the white daisy crop top once. It was kinda an impulse buy and belongs to teenage me. But I can still enjoy it a bit. Of the dresses, I wear the one on the far right with the checks the most. The other three get worn perhaps once or twice a month. Usually I am in the blue check dress...it's my favorite. In full disclosure I have two of them, one in XL and a 1X because I wear it so often. One week I wore it four times. I only count it as one item. It's literally the same.

I have three pairs of pants and three skirts. One of my pairs of pants doesn't fit me anymore. It's shrank in the wash, I haven't grown. The pants are a 1X so I am baffled that this happened, but I guess it does. They are too tight in the thighs. They say 1X but run small--they are about an XL. Maybe now that they shrank they are a L.

The two pants that fit. I have a brown pair that doesn't.

Two of my skirts are too big and I have to safety pin them now which makes them look funny. I haven't weighed myself and I don't think I have lost weight, but apparently I have, somewhere? Or the skirts grew, which I don't think can happen. (Linen, that I wash?) So. While I have 3 skirts and 3 pants in my wardrobe, I can only wear 2 of the pants and 1 of the skirts and thats what I am counting towards my "ten items". 

I need to save up to replace them with a size down next spring if I don't gain any weight over the winter. 

skirts. the brown and green are too big now, the rust colored one fits!

That makes 11 wearable items in my wardrobe and 14 total. I have four cardigans as extras as well, light summery ones. I don't really wear them right now, it's been 90 out! But they are there. 

I am loving the 10-item wardrobe. My mind is free, my choices seem endless and I am happy. My laundry is minimal. I don't know how to express how much weight this takes off my day. I don't have to buy new things (I still do sometimes though but have noticed I usually donate or gift it again very quickly) and I truly love each item in my closet. This is a blessing and I am never going back.

Fall is just around the corner! I'll probably do like I did in Spring--for awhile I had Spring and Summer in my closet, each on one side while the weather was doing its schizophrenic thing--and it worked so well. Warm? Go to the left. Cold? Go to the right. Warm but cold later? Layers are your friend.

Is this helping me love my body more? That was one of the reason I started--I hated that my closet was full of things I loved but that wouldn't fit me. I think I will struggle with loving my postpartum body (Three times post now!) until I heal my diastases recti. I'm working on that too. But my bloating is down and I am feeling better. Getting rid of everything that didn't fit me, no matter how much I loved it--really helped. 

The kids are doing the 15 item wardrobe this fall and, well, only one of them excited. I won't make them do it but our budget is really limited and I'm not sure they have much choice? Anyway, in our house we have a try it once rule, and so we will try it once. I'm going to vlog their wardrobe choices, if they want me too! If I grew two inches or more a year, I'd need a whole new wardrobe too. Oh to be 12 again! 

See ya all later, I'm going to play Animal Crossing.

Summer Break Week 5

This week was Reuben's camp week! He went to Randolph College Tech Cats Kid's Coding Camp. He enjoyed camp so much! There was one problem we had to deal with: a kid who cussed non stop and wouldn't stop talking, loudly, about sex. According to Reuben he was a 9 year old going into 4th grade, so hopefully he did not actually know anything about sex? To me it sounded like this kid was watching, or had been shown pornography, which is so sad. Brian and I didn't know if we should talk to the staff, and Reuben really didn't want us to create any problems so we decided to just pray about it and give him some tools to deal with it himself the next day.

The second day of camp this kid ended up being sent home because he wasn't obeying, and then he was sick the rest of the camp, which was a relief. I'm praying for him and his family. Sounds like he might have a rough home life. 

But poor Reuben heard some really detailed descriptions about a few sexual acts that honesty he didn't need to know about until he was an adult! I guess it's just the world we live in, but my heart was grieved. 

As to what Reuben did at camp: they did scratch, python and Minecraft coding, went rock climbing, ate ice cream, did some tug of war outside and listened to some local engineers and scientists give short talks. They were also coding little cars to run mazes and complete tasks. I bet he did a million other things too, but as his mother I only get to hear bits and bobs of his day's narration. He had fun. I missed him. 

picking Reuben up from camp...

Becky, Esther and I had the best girls week. I tried to do something special each day before lunch. Monday we went out for coffee, grocery shopped and went to two thrift stores! Tuesday we got bubble tea and went to the park. Wednesday we picked up our raw milk, went to the library and got bubble tea again! Thursday we went downtown, walked, shopped and ate chocolate brownies and had hot chocolate and finished up the day by visiting a friend. Friday we did our regular swim day. It was a special time even though we really missed Reuben. In the afternoons we played a lot outside on the slip and slide, read books together and did chores. 

Monday and Tuesday Esther refused to nap. Wednesday and Thursday we did contact naps since I really needed her to sleep, and it was hard to go back when she had been laying down in her own bed for naps for weeks! I wanted to clean things and knit and crochet and she wanted to use me as a pillow. I had to let it go and be a pillow.

I've been having a hard week. My house feels cluttered and everything was a little overwhelming with all the driving to drop Reuben off and pick him up at specific times! I don't know how moms do this weekly! Chores have not been getting done on time and camp week is just abnormal. That's okay. I only made it to the gym once this week and that is bothering me too. I don't like to feel behind. Oh, well, I'll try again next week! The kids had a fun week and we got a lot done outside of the house. Here is to next week being more productive inside the house!

I'm still dealing with mourning the loneliness of motherhood and trying to love my past self who desperately needed some help when I had two toddlers and didn't have anyone to help. A lady at my church is due with her fourth and it's so exciting, but she has a mother in law who helps once a week and a neighbor who watches all three of her kids once a week. I had a mother in law who yelled at me for breastfeeding and didn't even bring me a meal. And no neighbors who ever helped but only got us in trouble for having a car parked on our property that was out of inspection (apparently you have to have a car cover for it--why couldn't they just tell us rather than sending the government? sheeesh) and neighbors who complained about our grass never being mowed. It makes me feel sad for myself who had to do that all alone, I wish I had help like that when I needed it with two small toddlers! 

I'm so glad I am in a better space now! I don't need childcare anymore, but I hope I can deal with the negative emotions that keep coming up and move on. It's not jealously. It's like I see them thriving but behind that picture I see myself crying and alone and wish I hadn't had to go through that. It's like I wish I could go back and give myself a hug and tell myself it's going to be okay. Well, it wasn't okay. And maybe that is what I need to realize.

But often when I see someone in a good headspace with babies/toddlers I have to grieve for myself all over again. 

Big deep breaths. I'm okay. I survived. God was with me, and that will have to be enough, until he can comfort me in heaven.

Brian also was able to work from home part of this week since the air conditioner was broken at his office! Hopefully it will be fixed next week. It was nice to see him for lunch, we all miss him terribly due to him working such long hours for us. 

Next week is the halfway week in our summer vacation!!

10 item Spring Wardrobe (while breastfeeding!)

If you know me at all, you know I struggle with overconsumption. I actually made a pledge on the first day of spring to buy zero clothes for the rest of the year and to use what I have. I have a closet bursting with clothing. It's overflowing and overwhelming and yet I still buy things and can't find anything to wear and am unhappy about my clothes and how they look on me. 

I realized that my problem of overconsumption is twofold. One, my love language is gifts. So when I am upset or having a hard time I buy myself a gift. Sometimes it is as small as a chocolate bar but sometimes it's a new or thrifted shirt. And in this economy with how bad the inflation is, that just isn't doable anymore. I know I have struggled with shopping addictions before too--shopping from boredom or from a place of depression, and I'd like to nip that in the bud as well. We don't have credit cards and I'm not in debt anymore, so I don't know if I can call it an addiction any longer, but I still struggle with shopping.

My other issue is a body one. My body is not the same as it was pre-Esther pregnancy, and that's okay. My body grew a whole baby! Amazing. And it looks like it grew a whole baby for the third time! And I'm thirty eight years old! This is expected and typical and I don't know why my brain expects me to be trim everywhere and perpetually thirty-two! 

I find when I don clothes they don't look on me like how I thought in my head they would look. There is a discrepancy and I must address it because I keep buying clothes hoping that "this time" it will turn out different. I unconsciously wasn't blaming my body and my body dysmorphia but instead the clothes. And that has to stop.

So this year I would like to learn to love my body. And that starts with the 10 item spring wardrobe challenge! I do love a wardrobe challenge and have done several in the past but nothing ever sticks. I am hoping that this one will. In this challenge you pick 10 core pieces and then you can add extras to flesh it out, like sweaters or other layering pieces. There is probably more to it--I didn't read the book I just watched a few YouTube videos about it. 

Here is what I picked for my spring 10 item capsule wardrobe, which I will use until summer when I'll refresh it with what I already own in my closet. I'm super excited about this and hope it works out!

I picked five dresses. Five may be a little excessive but I love dresses and I had so many this was as small I could get it without wishing to abandon the whole project. Here they are! I have two not perfect linen dresses, both thrifted from postmark. One other linen dress (the stripy short blue one) is a gift from a friend. The brown dress is also from postmark, it is a Daughters of India dress that I thrifted from there for around $60. I couldn't believe someone was selling it for that--until I got it and it was covered in stains and holes. I was so mad they didn't disclose these issues. I could have sent it back but instead I tried my best to get out the stains (some did some out) and I sewed up the holes and...that was kinda what made me start the 'no buying clothing' for a year trend. But here it is in my capsule. The multicolored dress is from an Etsy shop called off/on linen and I love it. 

I picked four bottoms, of one I am obviously wearing right now so it's not pictured. I have a green skirt and a brown one (I'm wearing the brown) and a black pair of pants and an orange pair of pants. 

I have five shirts, including the one I am wearing, which is handmade. Anyway, that makes 13 items, but who's counting? Okay, we are supposed to be counting. But this was as low as I could get it. Actually in the above closet picture I have one more shirt hanging up that I removed and put away! (The tan on with the ruffles, I'm going to save it for summer.) So maybe I will be able to remove 3 pieces to actually get down to 10, but this is pretty good for now. 

The black shirt in the photo is really worn out and needs to be replaced soon. I like to have a dark shirt because it goes with everything, and this is the only one I have. It's a cotton gauze shirt that my friend gave me. I'll try to keep wearing it since I am not supposed to be buying anything new or used this year--but maybe I can sub in my linen shirt that is dark that I use only for exercise right now? That might be an option when this one completely runs out. 

Here are my extras: I have three sweaters I will use as layering pieces. I can also wear these as shirts. These are my two handmade sweaters and one black wrap cardigan that I love because it goes with everything. I also have (not pictured) two cotton black leggings I wear under dresses when it is cold and one cotton black "shorts" I also wear under a dress if I feel I'll be running around and it might fly up. 

I'm not sure if PJs count as extras. I sleep in a nursing shirt and a pair of sleep pants and have just enough pairs to take me through the week. I wash laundry once a week and plan to keep on doing that even with a smaller wardrobe. 

I hope after doing this all spring I will find I can declutter most of my other spring clothes, keeping only a few to "switch out" when my regular 10 item wardrobe needs a piece replaced. 

What about you? Would you try a 10-item wardrobe and why or why not? And should I read the book?  I probably should read the book. I wonder if they have it on audible...

My husband's been putting the Baby to Bed

The first week I just lay around and read books, looked at my phone, did chores I never get to (because toddler) and ate snacks. The second week I started crafting. I feel like myself again, for at least for two hours every evening! Yes, it usually takes an hour to get her to bed, then my husband will join me and chat or he will relax however he wants to. And he puts her to bed with no crying! We've transitioned her to sleep in a toddler bed right next to our bed--but she doesn't stay in it of course. She wakes up around 11 and climbs in bed with me but that's okay--its bliss to go to sleep by myself!

For bedtime, my husband reads books to her, pats her back, turns out the lights...sometimes he will look at videos on his phone with her. It's so great and I am so grateful. We didn't get Reuben out of our bed until he was over 3, and Becky was in bed with us too until 3-- and since she was born when Reuben was 2.5 (yeah we were bed sharing with two kids for awhile) that's SIX YEARS of co-sleeping. I am thunderstruck. I never counted it up like that. Plus Esther. I've been married 13 years and co-sleeping with kids for almost 8 of them. 

I did bedtime with Esther for the last 22 months (nursing to sleep, and we contact sleep so...holding her until I go to bed...) and this breather has been amazing. 

God is good and he's always giving me gifts. 

Esther turns two this may. What another milestone. She's growing up. 

It is weird to be almost 40 and go to the park with my kids and meet a 22 year old mom with a baby the same age as mine. Actually, if their mom had them at 20, I could be only a few years younger than their own mother! How mind boggling! But what a blessing to have a baby in my "old age." Hah! 

Getting a break and having peace in my home is so nice. 

How are you all? Oh, I also packed away my computer so I don't have access to pictures for these blog posts. Maybe I'll go back and add them later when I take it out again... 

Birthday Thoughts

There's been a lot of introspection in my heart this week. Does my house really need to be clean? Granted, it makes me really happy. But is the expectation that everything will be put back where it goes and that daily my house will be orderly make anyone but me happy? Am I hurting my family with my constant and incessent need to tidy? It is an overpowering urge. I think it is half my controlling nature and half that our living room, dining room and kitchen are all one room. And maybe half that we are at home a lot and use our space a lot and half that everything is just more efficient when tidied. But I am learning to let go a bit. I have a toddler, a 6 year old and a 9 year old. I like books and crafts and I bake and cook from scratch. Things are going to get messy. And that's okay.

We are all still sick. But on the mend. Two of us are mostly better (the boys) and three of us have gnarly coughs (the girls) of which I am the best of. We missed piano today. I am tired. Everything is dry and my face hurts from blowing my nose. We are watching too much TV. But that's okay. 

We did a little bit of school today with all the sick and I made two meals but couldn't make dinner. Well, I did make a fresh loaf of sourdough bread, does that count? It was eaten with gusto by everyone but one child who does not fancy sourdough bread and had a bowl of cereal instead. I guess that's okay? I'm too sick to feel guilt. 

I'm getting excited about my birthday this weekend (it's on Friday but we will celebrate over the weekend when hubby is off work) I'm going to attempt cake if I feel up to testing my blood sugar, but I might just make sourdough chocolate bread. I'm not sure yet. It's my birthday so...it's fine. I do better with sourdough in terms of my diabetes so it might be a safer choice if I don't want to feel tired from high blood sugar. 

My birthday present to myself came! I bought myself this pretty moth sweater I saw on Etsy. I will say I was slightly disappointed. The model in the picture seems to be wearing a XS or S, and I assumed the design would look the same (large) on the XL I bought. The design is the same size as on the S the model is wearing, it wasn't scaled up for the larger size. Thus the moth motief looks a lot smaller on me than I was expecting. But it's still very cosy and very cool looking, so that's great, right? 

Brian is working late tonight and I'm going to read a book. Bye!

Bluey Break

Esther just woke up from her 1.5 hour contact nap and I need a break. Bluey to the rescue! Also I gave her a chocolate truffle. She's happy as a clam and I am getting a half hour to myself. I took this time to order size up shoes for Esther and a book for Reuben and am writing this blog post. 

2025, I have so many wishes. Crafting and spending time with my kids. Long afternoons reading with and without my children. Board games! Drawing, painting, jewelry making. And I would love to have some extended talks with my husband about everything under the sun. 

And decluttering. Cleaning. Homeschooling. Life.

We've been sick again. That weird migraine/flu thing came back for 24 hours and I was legitimately afraid.  Becky was doing well with it but Reuben was bed-bound and crying for some of it and it was breaking my heart. There is nothing like seeing your poor kid in pain and not being able to help them. I mean, I was trying. We did a herb bath, cold compress on his head, naps, resting, vitamin C and other supplements that I know are good for the flu and homeopathic remedies. This was the day it snowed and iced like crazy so we honestly could not get out even if it was an emergency--and it wasn't an emergency, I was just so sad to see him so sick. He felt better by the end of the day and was 90% to normal today. God is so good--and it is hard to trust him through the trials, especially with my babies. But my babies belong to Him and are gifts of God from his hands of mercy. I am so grateful for my three blessings that I get to raise for as long as God has plans for us. His ways are good.  

I'm so glad Becky, Reuben and Esther are healthy this morning. I'm so glad our electricity didn't go out during that storm. I am so glad we were able to stay warm and comfortable even if our heat pump broke from all the ice (Brian will fix it this weekend). What a crazy whirlwind. We made it out to Piano today and the roads are fine. I have more errands to run tomorrow and Thursday and will keep hoping for ice-free freeways. 

Here is to the weekend, the gym, and resting with a cup of tea and maybe some knitting. 

I think we are having cereal for dinner. 

hurricanes, childrearing and (some) election thoughts

Homeschooling has been going smoothly until it's not. Oh my, I wish I could explain how much attitudes de-rail our homeschool. It is like the bad-attitude bug rotates through our family weekly. But I love modeling to my children that life is work, and there is satisfaction in that work. 

But how many times will I have to learn the lesson to leave school time for school time? I keep trying to do the dishes and listen to a narration or fold laundry while the audio book plays and my children follow suit and this distracted learning is not productive. I need a clean house to homeschool--at least that is my preference. A pile of dirty dishes or a messy living room screams at me while I am trying to read to the kids. Yet I need to focus and homeschool and clean later--the gentle feast of education is not meant to be multitasked. 

I deleted my Facebook during this election year. My mental health does so much better without Facebook and I hope I stay off it. This is my second time deleting Facebook so this is another lesson I hope I learn. I can't wait for the election to be over and for everyone in America to calm down. Anyone else just staying out of the election this year and trying to stay sane? I don't have enough sleep for this.  

Watching Florida and Georgia as Hurricane Helene looms. It's been raining here for the last three days (unrelated to HH) but probably related to the bad attitudes in our house the past few days. Being cooped up indoors all the time due to significant downpours makes everyone cranky. 

Well. I'm going to finish my tea (rooibos) and go play animal crossing with the kids. Life is good. I'm exhausted. And I'm so glad dinner is in the crock pot! 

My mom took this photo of me yesterday and I love it. 

Things I need help with

I'm 36 and today I met with a local service that councils mothers during pregnancy and postpartum. I was super nervous because I am very bad at admitting when I need help and I also feel like I shouldn't need help! I am an adult for goodness sakes!

Anyway, the service usually assists low income mothers and we are not low income which made me feel even worse, but a friend of mine had been telling me I needed to contact them for literal months now and I knew she was right. I have a chronic illness, a husband who works a lot, very little support from family due to their circumstances, depression over my rapidly declining health due to this pregnancy and a lot of anxiety and stress surrounding birth. I am not handling it well and I have known for awhile now but didn't know much I could do about it. I figured if I met with these ladies for the first time they could tell me if I wasn't a good fit but they didn't! The service meets with you once a week through your pregnancy and for a few months afterwards to help support you mentally and they also offer a lot of classes and other things as options you can "add on" to what you need. Like referrals to counselors, cooking classes, help finding apartments, breastfeeding help...it's a great non profit and I am excited to see what they might be able to help me with. At the first meeting they asked me a lot of questions about what I might be needing and I tried to be honest with what I am struggling with but I couldn't put into words actual questions that I had. 

Well, after mulling over it (and other unrelated things) I thought of the actual issues I am dealing with in my mid-30s and how to turn them into questions. Which lead me down a rabbit hole of unrelated motherhood/postpartum questions and into the deep issues I am dealing with in all facets of my life. I clipped it down to the top 10 things I hope to work on (at least somehow) this year.

1) I need to figure out how to get what I need done around the house (and in the kitchen) without overwhelming myself and using up all the energy in my body. Is this possible? Do other mothers without chronic illnesses deal with this? I get halfway though tasks and run out of whatever energy my body is running on and it literally shuts down. And I shut down. Sometimes for the rest of the day. 

2) I need to find time to be myself. I need a break from the kids that isn't full of stress, screaming, meltdowns or interruptions...ideally this would happen once a week but I would be fine with every other week. If it happens less often usually I am so burnt out I can't take advantage of it.

3) I need to figure out what is wrong with my hormones or myself. I don't like to be touched, and I know my husband definitely isn't interested in an intimacy-free marriage. I know a lot of my trauma with my birth with Reuben plays into this (it's a long story that I did blog about but am having a hard time finding the actual posts...to make a long story short, for 18 months after I gave birth sex was horrifically painful. Then for 1 year after I had Becky the same thing happened! I don't know why. Sex doesn't hurt anymore but all those times that it did left a deep impression on me and I just am not interested. There are more reasons too, but that's the biggest one I can think of)

4) Actually start doing some things around our house to, you know, STOP LIVING IN A FIXER UPPER. It has been 10 years. I am ready for my house to not be falling apart, thank you very much. Which means I am about to learn a bunch of new skills. If my chronic illness lets me. But I am so over it. This is not the house I thought I would be living in at 36. I want walls that are only one color, thank you, and siding that is not falling off in places. Literal dreams!

5) How to have better and more understandable boundaries with my extended family. 

6) How to not be on my phone/internet for goodness knows how many number of hours when I am burnt out. It's not a good coping mechanism.

7) How to get enough sleep in the first year after having a baby. Is this a thing that is achievable? I don't know.  

8) How to ask for help when I need it without feeling inadequate and like I'm a horrible mother. 

9) Make space for regular time with friends? Also unachievable since my friends are all exhausted moms but...it can be a goal right?

10) Once a month date night with husband. We need time together. Our communication and intimacy is surviving on threads.

Did I miss anything? 

Week 25

These past few weeks have been...what I would call a mental health roller coster! Pregnancy hormones and just a lot of adjusting. A lot of crying. 

I have come to realize that I am struggling with a lot of unhappiness over my pregnancy and all the life changes that are coming back to back, like a contraction that just never ends. I feel lonely; my husband is working long hours and I still have trouble going out with so much to do at home. After coming out of those long weeks of survival with morning sickness I feel ugly, washed up, behind, my house is a mess. I feel stuck. Not to mention extremely pregnant! 

As my due date looms closer I am wrestling with fear over labor. I will have to go through this alone. Yes, my husband will be there and I will have a doula, but the pain will be mine alone and the pushing the baby out of my uterus will be preformed by...me. Not to mention there are so many complications that can arise during labor and delivery and I am trying not to panic about each one. God will be with me, I have plans for managing the pain as best I can but more and more I come to realize that I really didn't want to do this again. I honestly didn't think I would ever have another baby after six miscarriages! I also really wanted a home-birth. I don't want to be a car while in labor, I don't want to go to a hospital, I don't want to have to try and navigate masks and covid in a hospital setting and all the requirements that come with birthing with Big Pharma. However my husband is not comfortable with a home birth and after 10 weeks of arguing and crying and begging I decided on a hospital birth and I thought that was the end of this dilemma. But now I am struggling with anger towards my husband for not letting me birth where I want. While he may be relaxed and happy with this turn of events, I need to acknowledge and somehow deal with the fact that I am not. And I don't know how to talk to him about it. 

Another thing we have been dealing with is all the inflation and finances and costs of having a baby. I am a minimalist so the cost should be low but we still need diapers, wipes, and many other necessities and inflation is making it no fun. Inflation makes grocery shopping and meal planning no fun! I am going to wait until after my baby shower to buy all the little things... there are so many cute little baby girl things I can't wait for her to wear. I am so thankful I have so many nice friends who, now out of the baby stage, have gifted me many necessities. 

I am in love with this baby. I am not in love with my body, the fatigue, the stress, or the fear surrounding this pregnancy. I am not in love with another hospital birth. I am not looking forward to sleepless nights, sore nipples, pain after labor, bleeding, hemorrhoids, and my postpartum body.

Maybe this baby will sleep.

With the added burden of growing a human I have also not been handling daily life well. I have been sleeping in--which I finally decided to stop feeling bad over and I switched my morning routine around to a night routine and it is working well. Maybe one day I will wake up before 8am again. We started putting the kids to bed later and now they don't wake up before us which is really nice. See, there are adjustments that can be made, but change is still hard! 

Though it all God has been my constant companion. Reuben's verse that he is memorizing right now in school is my pregnancy verse. I want it on the wall when I give birth. 

Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go. This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:7

I think and pray this verse at least once a day. I want to be strong and courageous instead of fearful and afraid. 

Another thing I have been meditating on is the prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi. I also want this on the wall when I give birth.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, the truth;
Where there is doubt, the faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

Even in the midst of hard things, God is there. And I can have peace. His will will be done and I can trust in him.

Parenting Alone

I don't mean 'single' parenting, so don't misunderstand me. I have a very hardworking husband who supports our family and we are happily married. I could write a post on the hardships of single parenting: my mother and my sister are both single parents, though my mother is remarried now. I have seen it and lived it; and I do not seek to compare 'parenting alone' to single parenting.

Herein, I am speaking of parenting with little to no breaks. Parenting without extended family nearby to help. I and a host of other women are today parenting with no tribe and minimal community. 

And it is hard.

I don't have family who is around to help for various reasons that are quite complicated to go into in this post. I wish I did. Oh, how I wish I did. Maybe one day I will. It sounds like a dream.

For a long time I wanted to write a blog about how I cope with parenting alone. (I have actually written this post at least three times in my head while falling asleep!)

There are many ways to help alleviate the pressure of being an alone-in-a-bubble parent. Maybe your husband is a truck driver and your parents live out of state. Maybe your husband, like mine, is an engineer whose hours tally up to 10, 12 a day while you wait patiently (er, impatiently) for him to arrive home. No matter what, parenting alone is exhausting. 

We used to do dates by hiring a babysitter twice a month. This was in 2019, before covid. Now we cannot afford it because of the rate increase in the sitter service we used, and also inflation. I can't even afford to buy chocolate right now, seriously! I can't! That fact is also for another blog post...food is through the roof.

But that's not new news, everyone can think of that! Hire a babysitter sometimes, or find a mothers helper... But many people cannot afford it. Or if they can afford it, can't even find someone! Sitters are scarce. 

Here is what I do to try and keep my head above water as a parenting alone parent. 

1. Alone time with God. And by alone time I mean sometimes my kids are running around screaming and it's only five minutes. But it is important to at least try. It really makes a difference to me if I center myself in some way on Christ. 
2. Learn easy meals and also make freezer meals. I try to make one freezer meal a week. This summer I tried to make as many as I could. They will come in handy, especially since eating out is not an option with the high prices, and our dietary restrictions. 
3. Find friends. I know, I know. Your friends are also exhausted moms. But sometimes they can help. Last year my friend Megan from church watched our kids so hubby and I had a two hour date. It was our only date that year and it was amazing. We still have not had one this year and that's okay. It meant a lot to me. I offered to return the favor but Megan has solid help at home and didn't need it, but you can always start a babysitting swap with a friend that you trust! 

The biggest thing you deal with as a 'parenting alone' parent is burn out. I am sure if you have a ton of help you also get burnt out, but parenting in a vacuum of loneliness makes me burn out quicker. There is no mothers helper or grandmother to look out for, coming with crafts and snacks to watch your littles for two or three hours while you go to the dentist or grocery shop. 

I also deal with getting touched out. 

I also deal with needing a break from being needed/wanted. I love my kids, but sometimes I just want to not be the only one with all the answers! For just five minutes! I am sure this one will change as my kids grow and can figure out everything on their own...but for now, I am teaching them that mommy doesn't always have an answer right when they ask a question. Mommy is her own person and also needs space sometimes, and space doesn't mean mommy doesn't love you. It just means mommy needs a few minutes to think. 

I don't have any answers to burn out. It's really hard. Sometimes we have toast with jam for dinner and everyone is cranky, but we all wake up the next day and try again. Sometimes the kitchen doesn't get very clean or the laundry doesn't get put away or we cancel school for the day and just lay outside on the hammocks or read books all day... some of these things help but often they don't. Sometimes I try homeopathy and CBD oil and sometimes I cry. 

When I get really touched out I will put on an audio book in the kids room--they stay in there to listen and I flatten myself into my favorite couch and read a book, knit, or have an anxiety attack. You know, my three favorite hobbies.

I don't know how to fix the being needed all the time.

One of these days, if I am allowed to grow old, I will find a few lonely moms and be an adopted grandmother to their kids. I will. It is on my heart as I look at all the elderly ladies in my church with longing and confusion. They have their own families, but I wish they had some time for me.

The thing I will say: don't be bitter. Don't look at the grass in someone else's yard. Last week my friend was sick and her mother in law took her kids and her mother ran her errands and made food and I was jealous for a whole five minutes. Everyone is blessed in some ways, I am sure I am too. I'm blessed to be on this earth with my two happy children and my amazing husband. I am blessed to be loved by God, and able to eat things I haven't eaten in 8+ years and with a body that can do yoga and move and a beautiful blue sky that is not raining bombs down in a war. I am blessed, and I won't waste it with bitterness or anger pining for things I can't have. It won't help.

the two best blessings God ever gave me

God is good and I will get through it, my kids will grow up and if I'm lucky I'll be alone again and what do you know, I'll probably miss all the crazy little years. 

I'd love any advice on 'parenting alone' if you have it: what should I try to make this easier on myself? What things do you do? 

I'm still here and I am not giving up. But a day to myself does sound quite nice and unachievable. Such is life.

the post I shouldn't write about my mother in law

I've been in some kind of funk lately. There is a lot going on; my husband is working long hours (he's doing four 10s, so he gets Friday off which is awesome but I'm doing bedtime all by myself four days a week). I did not receive a series of texts from my mother inviting me to lunch causing her and I much confusion. I have to start homeschooling again and I don't know how I am going to fit it in. How did I fit that in? 

I have felt lonely. Probably everyone struggles with loneliness at some point in their life, we are ghosts in a shell to steal that term, and humans are fickle and selfish. Loneliness can be selfish too. All my friends are busy moms! I'm a busy mom! It's HARD. I am alone most of the day, alone with my children which can be a special kind of endurance exercise. Just as there are amazing moments of reading books, seeing them wonder and explore nature, there are also days full of tantrums (I have my own kind of tantrum lets be honest here I am not solely blaming the toddler) and sickness, days with stress and over-the-top feelings and just days where I am done by 8am but its raining so we are all stuck inside. I wouldn't trade this for the world, but that doesn't mean I love it 24/7. I mean, I chose this! I chose to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I chose these roles for ourselves and it is good. But is is also hard, like I said above.

I have talked about my mother in law here a lot on my blog early in my marriage. I didn't understand her. I tried to please her in every way I could. I still don't understand her! I have tried to be courteous but also stand up for myself. I have tried to be firm on my boundaries but also be a person she could be human around. After 7 or so years of trying to please her, I decided to quit. I stopped letting her come over. I stopped letting her come between me and my children and between me and my husband. I wish I had prayed more (I did pray some) and I do have regrets, but I honestly tried as hard as I could to be someone who she could love. 

But I have always felt guilty over shutting her out. I didn't know what to do; it was a last resort decision my husband and I made. What else could we do? We do see her at church since she attends the same church as us. I see her more than I do my own mother (who works) even with cutting her out of our lives due to...a list of things I could make! She has disrespected ourselves and our children and always tried to undermine our parenting and our pasts. She and her husband did not attend our wedding and even after marriage asked my husband to divorce me. She became only interested in my children when I birthed them, and always seeks to make herself the center of attention. She lies, and slanders my name to her family, and is always giving me unsolicited advice. She contradicts my parenting in front of my children. It is baffling. 

Since those times, almost three years have passed. I have had a lot of time to think. And ponder and try to understand. I do understand a lot better now. I hope I can take what I have learned and be a good mother in law if my children ever marry, due to what I have seen and learned. I don't feel guilty for cutting off mother in law visitation anymore. I now realize she is a bitter, sad person who has chosen this path. I can't change her, but I can choose who I allow and don't allow around my children.

I think Ruth says it best in Ruth Hall "your grandmother is an unhappy, miserable old woman. She has punished herself worse than anybody else could punish her. She is more miserable than ever now...she might have made us all love her and help to make her old age cheerful but now unless she repents, she will live miserably and die forsaken for nobody can love her with such a temper."

For a long time I struggled to forgive my mother in law for all the pain and contention she brought to my marriage, instead of joy, love, honor and trust. I forgive her. She chose not to have dinner with us. She has chosen not to watch my children so my husband and I can have a date. She chose bitterness, strife, envy, anger and resentment as bridal gifts for me, and I will only return them with love and peace.

The thing I have been laughing about the most is something she said recently in bible study. She said her own mother (who is 94 and still alive) stayed with her for 6 weeks when she had her first child (who is now my husband) and she cried when her mother left because she didn't know how she was going to do it on her own.

It stuck deep. I would have given anything to have her there to help me when I was struggling so much during the first 6 weeks of postpartum when I had Reuben. My own mother was working, and my younger sister had just had a baby as well, and my mother was busy helping my sister when she could between work (my sister is a single mom). My husband had only one week off when I gave birth. I had no idea what I was doing and I really needed help. 

I don't think my mother in law even brought us a meal. She came over once and was so upset that I was breastfeeding, she said it was too sexual and gross. I cried when she left. All I was trying to do was feed my baby in the privacy of my own home, exhausted and sore from birth. I'm sure she didn't know what her words meant, but maybe she did. Maybe it was bitter words from her heart because she was not able to breastfeed, even though I have never shamed her. 

She never asks how I am doing. I have asked her out to coffee several times, desiring to get to know her better, and she has declined each time. 

The circumstances don't matter. I want freedom from this.

Every six months or so she makes me feel sorry for her so I try to do something...and it always backfires. Never again. I am free. And so is she.

A Saturday of Woes

This weekend has been hard. Yesterday I learned a friend of mine lost her baby in utero. She was 25 weeks along with a much prayed for, much anticipated little boy. I grieve with her every hour!! I can't imagine what she is going through...

...okay I can imagine it. I don't want to imagine it. I have had six miscarriages, my last around 12 weeks. I would never want anyone to have to walk the path of losing a child at any age, be it at 6 weeks pregnant or their adult, 45 year old son. Yet death is part of life, and we must grapple with it, we must contend with this reality. And God himself has walked these paths before us, and walks them even now with us. It doesn't change the fact they are hard paths and full of many sorrows. God's son Jesus died horrifically on a cross... he was a father who has lost his son, who gave him up to rescue us wretched humans. 

I have been in deep misery for my friend. How do you move on from something like that? My own losses have taken years. The answer of course lies in Jesus. Only in him have I been able to cobble together my own broken heart and take steps upward out of the basement that is infertility and child loss. 

Another thing I have been struggling with is a grumpy attitude. I woke up with one anew this morning. And I took it downstairs with me to make breakfast, asking myself, ugh I have to make breakfast again? I have to clean the kitchen again? I can make it though the Monday-Friday grind but somehow when Saturday rolls around I am always surprised that I still am required to clean messes and do laundry with a peaceful and quiet attitude while juggling my ever expanding to-do list. Meh. I want to lay in the yard and read a book while everything takes care of itself. Alas, my children are not quite old enough (or trained enough) for this endeavor yet, so here I am on a sunny dawn with a frown and a heart of resentment. 

Why am I still battling this? How long, oh Lord. Give me peace, give me joy for the work you have set before me. Yes, dishes again and reminding my kids to clear the table at least three times (need to work on discipline I have trained them not to listen to me) yes, clothes are dirty and yes Becky has taken scissors to her clothes. Eyeroll. Yes I am too tired and too done to play a game but we played two and I tried to act like I liked it. Everyone wants snuggles with mommy except mommy. Mommy wants a date night with daddy, but that isn't going to happen. Ugh. 

I think my fight in this area is twofold. One, I keep trying to do it all myself. Two, I don't plan enough so we have freezer meals for the times I am struggling and need a break in the kitchen. Summer goal: make a lot of freezer meals. Also I want to declutter half our house. I need to get more disciplined in this area! 

This weekend grief is in the background, ever present for my friend and her wee little one. I have thrown cbd oil, rest, and chocolate at my housework anxiety. I am also am trying to accept imperfection...it's a hard road. I like a clean house and orderly children. God has gifted me with a house that is only clean for five minutes, and disorderly children. Also, why is either my kitchen/living room clean, or the bathroom/kids rooms are clean? I can never seem to achieve Full House Tidiness. Is it an art, or am I just deficient? I'm deficient, aren't I. Because I am usually good at art. 

But there is more in this saterday of woes, and this next thing...I really don't know how we are going to fix it. What am I talking about? Simply, our budget. It's a mess. 

We used to argue a lot about budgeting early on in our marriage (and I have blogged about budgeting before and our budgets) but we worked out the kinks for awhile. We had two babies and did special diets, but now we are done with prenatal appointments and keto cooking.

Yet we are definitely struggling to meet our budget. It isn't working. With gas prices and inflation on the rise, we are not making it. The budget that is. We defiantly are not going hungry or anything, but there will be no vacation this year. Maybe some camping? And I am at the point now that I don't know what to cut. It has been shaved, reduced, pared back, shelled...down to my comfort level! But now it must go further, and I don't know how. I honestly don't! I was chatting to my husband casually about it today (we are saving the Big Budget Cut talk for tomorrow) and he was like "Its simple. Just spend less." But we literally buy groceries. And gas. I don't even buy supplements anymore, that was significantly reduced last month. We had to remove two items from our raw milk and I am still upset about it. I spend about $20 a month on fun and that is the extent of the fun. We don't go out to eat, we don't do expensive themed birthday parties and I get my hair cut twice every 4-5 years. I don't do my nails, we don't have Netflix or Hulu or Disney plus, we eat simple and I try really hard not to throw out food. 

Our biggest budget category right now is violin lessons, and this will be my last semester doing violin because of it. I am sad. I wanted to do one more semester so I could finish the Suzuki book, but it isn't going to work. We need that $375. I had planned to put Becky in piano lessons in January when she turned five, but I don't know if that will be possible right now. Maybe. I hope so! 

I know I sound grumpy. I am trying so hard not to be. We have a beautiful family, we have more than enough. I truly don't need any more clothes, we have so many good books, so many wonderful friends and a garden that teems with life, bright days to look towards and a summer of fun just around the corner! God really is good! But change is hard. We will adjust. All of America is going through this right now, inflation really does effect everyone. Giving up my violin lesson isn't that hard. We still have food, Reuben can still take violin. I can still play and make music, and maybe I can pick up lessons later when things get better. And if we have to pair down more, we will. We can do this. 

I should read The Long Winter or The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew again.  Both good books for being content with what one has and giving blessings for the small things. We will get through this, because alas I don't think it is going to get any better. I am beyond grateful that my husband has a job, that we have a house, and an abundance of good and wholesome food. I have nothing to complain about! Nothing at all! And from this moment I will try to throw off my grumpy attitude and abide in the deep and everlasting hope of Christ.

How are you all? We are starting on year two free reads and planning out the summer. Hugs! I still have a lot to work on and a lot of growing in Christ to do. I must be humble, and keep my inner eyes focused on things above. This is not my home, and I wait for the sound of trumpets and the return of Christ.

Galatians 6:8 "Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will deep destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Psalm 33:18 "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love."

There are some gems of goodness in my week. I'm taking a wonderful homeopathic class with a group of local women and I am filled to bursting with cherished memories and community. We finished school and are taking a much needed breather week before starting the homeschool keep-up (memory verses and reading work, mostly). My husband and I have been listening to an audio book, I got to knit some on a scarf... I found a new favorite author... there are good things in this hard week, and I don't want to forget them. My week was filled with raw milk smoothies and snuggles with the kids and even an encouraging dentist appointment. God is good, and I will cling to him when waves come. 

what I would tell myself as a new mother

I was thinking today what a crazy whirlwind the last seven years of child raising has been. Two (or three?) chronic illnesses, two babies, six miscarriages...it has been a lot. And how fragrant has my Lord become to me due to the trials I have endured!

What advice would I give to new mothers, whose wombs are full of sweet first flutterings of life? Oh, how I wish I could go back and bestow some wisdom on myself. 

I want to write a motherhood book, but there are too many on the market today and I don't have time. Yet I always write here. 

So here I am. Mulling over all the things, and what would I choose to speak on if I had thirty minutes uninterrupted from sticky fingers and probing questions and potty breaks.

I would start with the trials. Oh, dear new mother, I would say...you are about to undergo some discomfort. Western life is all about comfort and ease, and the I-can-get-it-now mentality. Two day amazon shipping? Check. Netflix binge with Chinese take-out every Friday? Self care culture, mani-pedis and bubble baths. New clothes, new shoes, new you every year. Most women I meet have not endured many trials. They (like me) floated through a life that was all about them and their accomplishments and interests. But motherhood is new, unbroken ground. Suddenly there is a lot less time for yourself and your dreams. Suddenly you are holding a squirmy, ungrateful child and scrubbing floors for a man who doesn't understand how hard you work and how demanding parenting is. You wake up (and go to sleep) "on the clock of motherhood". There is never a moments break; many moms have no help and babysitters are either too expensive or hard to find. 

Motherhood is slow. It isn't easy and there is no quick gratification. You are about to be uncomfortable for quite awhile, and I am not only speaking of labor and delivery. Motherhood is messy. There are no promises. Your child may grow up to be a Yale graduate or he could end up homeless and sleeping on benches in NYC. He could die at six from choking on an apple, he might turn 18 and tell you he hates you as he packs his bags for Japan. There are no assurances for perfection or love, only the Bible and the promises of God--that is all you and your fragile heart have to cling too. And cling you must, because mother's hearts are easily broken. 

There is nothing dazzling about changing a poopy blow out diaper at 2 am after only sleeping for 1.5 hours. There is nothing to cheer about when your precious snowflake is caught cheating, lying, stealing and fornicating. 

What I am saying is you (and your husband) are about to have all your buttons pushed for weeks, and maybe years, on end. And that is just the young years! 

Be easy on yourself. Don't have the hard conversations when you are burnt out, sleep deprived, and tired. Make time to laugh. Eat cake, cuddle the babies and take turns getting up with them at night. Live guilt free. Screen time, take out, and locks on the bathroom door were made for a reason. Be diligent with how you feed your children (and their minds) but don't punish yourself if they watch Daniel Tiger for three hours while you cry in the bathroom and text friends. Try and read your bible while you cry; definitely pray.  

Realize no one is going to save you. This was big for me. There is no knight in shining armor that is going to swoop down and rescue you from tantrums, three year olds who hit, potty accidents, spills, mud, broken or torn things, sisters who give the baby a impromptu hair cut, sharpies on faces...extended family drama in the middle of a sleepless night, fridges that break, crying children and piles of dirty laundry. Clean up your own mess and train those children. If you don't do it, no one will. 

Your husband is not a knight and he isn't there to liberate you from all the discomfort and pain that child-rearing brings, especially if he is working long hard hours too. He needs a break just as much as you do! Don't try to pin that saviors robe on him. Jesus died so you could go to heaven, not to rescue you from orange juice spills and sleepless nights. Run to Jesus in these weary days of motherhood, he will be your rest. Point your husband to God and remember the promises of the Bible.

Don't despair. God created motherhood to draw you closer to him so you can abide and rest in the comfort of his loving embrace. Support other mothers you know. We are all exhausted and a little help (a meal, a text, a card, some cute stickers, a dinner out, a matcha latte in the park...) goes a long way. Be the village you want to live in.

You can do it. God believes in you, or he wouldn't have made you a mother. His plans for you are good! 

That's what I would tell new mothers. What would you add?