Thursday, June 22, 2023

Esther Rose is 7 weeks

I would love to say I am still doing better, but the juxtaposition of good days and bad is like a badly hung pendulum that keeps smacking me in the head. I know it gets better. It is slow. 

I am trying to cling to God, advocate for myself, make crock pot meals, spend at least some time with my older two kids, shower at least once week and stay off my phone. 

It is hard. Esther is beautiful.

I'm down to pumping 3 times a day! The end is in sight. 

I thought with two kids I wouldn't go through the "Who even am I" part of postpartum where like a caterpillar in a cocoon I become something...else. But I am defiantly experience this phenomenon. It isn't fun. But I suppose it is normal. Every kid changes the family dynamic and also the mother. Change is hard. Maybe if I could sleep more I could figure out what kind of butterfly I am going to be.

How are you all?

Monday, June 5, 2023

5 Weeks Postpartum With Esther Rose

I feel better today. I learned two things: 1, the longer I spend on my phone the more unhappy I will be and 2, music helps everything. I am doing better. Maybe I am learning to cope with the chaos or perhaps I am adjusting to the new normal of three children. I don't know. I am choosing to extend myself grace and mercy instead of storing up guilt and anger. 

Esther is filling out into babyhood. She's losing the infant look, and I could not be more in love with her. The kids adore her, she's a great baby (besides the nursing troubles) and all of us are thrilled to have her in the Markey household. 

Things are better between me and my husband too. I felt so unsupported by him postpartum and I know he didn't mean it, but it took awhile to come to terms with my perceptions and experiences. We will be okay. I forgive him and we talked about it. My husband makes a bad wife and that is okay. I guess? I'm still hurt over some of the things that happened in those four weeks but God is good and I am trying to heal, physically and emotionally. Brian is back to work now, things are back to their expected patterns and I am trying to thrive. 

Esther is nursing 3-4 times a day! I am down to pumping from 10 times a day to 8 times. This small improvement boosts my spirits and gives me hope one day she will exclusively nurse. One day I can nurse her in bed and go back to sleep. One day I will only have to bring my boobs with me when I leave the house. One day!! But not today.

I am trying to have hope. Thank you all for the encouraging comments on my last post! I need to find time to go back and reply but I also need to go cook dinner. Esther is down for her second nap! (I have a baby that takes more than one nap a day?!) and I am going to make sausage and veggies for dinner. Easy keto meal.

In other news I am making lists of what we need next year for homeschool and purchasing books/materials is so much fun. 

Excited for what is to come!