Wednesday, October 18, 2017

The Worst Year

Today a friend asked me for advice--she's almost 20 weeks pregnant and due to have her honeymoon baby this winter, a few weeks after me.

I told her the usual stuff. You can't control birth, the best advice is to have no expectations, pray a lot and read as much as you can but be okay with just going with the flow because babies, even tiny ones, have strong wills sometimes.

And then I told her that the first year after having Reuben was probably the worst year of my life.

Many hours after that conversation I couldn't get my phrase "the worst year of my life" out of my head. Around and round it went as I nursed my now 2 year old to sleep. Was that first year really the worst in my life? I mean, I wanted a baby forever. And I am grateful. But that year was hard in so many ways, a grueling journey with sleepless nights struggling with a body that consistently failed me while trying to cope with postpartum with little to no support. I just remember hours of me desperately attempting to soothe a baby who cried all the time and crying a lot myself.


It really was one of the worst years of my life. And now as I look towards another birth I do so fearfully and much more prayerfully this time.

What made that year hard wasn't just one thing; it was a lot of large changes and little ones too, all back to back and compounded by the sleeplessness that newborns sometimes bring. I was in shock over the state of my body. For the first year, and even a little bit beyond, I could not have sex with my husband without sobbing in pain. It was awful. Even after the pain stopped I had to many times force myself to have sex just from the memories of the pain. Even without the pain my still-distended belly revolted me. I felt 0% sexy and horribly ugly--both feelings, I might add, that did not help my sex drive much either.

I also had very little support. My mom works full time, and my mother in law at that stage in our relationship would only tell me what to do in critical tones. Instead of helping, being around my mother in law caused me serious anxiety because she was so offended all the time. She would also come over and expect me to make her tea and serve her, when all I wanted to do was sleep.

My husband was also a new father and it took awhile for it to grow on him. During that year I remember he would leave me many nights alone with a baby and go up and play video games for hours on his computer--something we used to do before I gave birth, but after left me feeling isolated and forgotten. He also refused to get up with the baby at night, leaving me to take all the nightly wakings.


Reuben also was a difficult baby. I know now that he had some serious allergies he was working through, but he rarely slept, cried all the time, wanted to nurse every 45 minutes and was covered in excema. I felt like I failed him--I would get so touched out (I am not a touchy feeling person) from holding him 24/7 only to listen to him cry whenever I tried to put him down. Luckily we figured out his allergies (banana, avocado, pumpkin, soy, dairy, eggs...just to name a few) and by 15 months he was a totally different child.

Compound all the above with all the normal changes that a new baby brings: loss of personal freedom and time, dirty diapers and extra laundry, and that first year is not something I am looking forward to reliving. Of course, now I have a very understanding, very helpful husband. I have learned how to communicate better my needs. I still have hardly any extended family support, but that is not the fault of my hardworking single mother, or my mother in law. I am working through the difficulties in my intimate relationships and I feel much more positive about birth this time around. But I am praying for a baby that sleeps.

So, yes. Even after infertility, even after miscarriages--that first year was one of the hardest of my life. And I am coming to recognize it and deal with it, one day at a time.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Gloves

I made myself a new pair of fall gloves. I love knitting gloves, if you've followed my knitting adventures for awhile, I used to exclusively knit gloves. After gloves, I went on this boot cuff crochet splurge. Now I seem to want to knit sweaters. At least that is how I feel! But it was nice to knit something simple for once and "return to my roots".


The yarn I used to make these gloves is hand spun by Wool and Wheel. I used my own free basic gloves pattern, only adding a slight twist to the front. I love them! They are very snug and warm.


What are you making lately?

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

I don't know who I am anymore.

I was reading some old blog posts of mine from 2014 and 2015 and trying to remember who I was back then. I mean, some of the old posts are... funny (I love my 38 week prego post from when I was gestating Reuben). I reread that one and giggled through the whole thing. I also miss the times when I wrote thought provoking posts, like this post where I discuss my thoughts on becoming a new mom and my first foray into mom guilt land. 

I am wondering where that person is. The girl who wrote those posts feels as far from me as if I was reading someone else's blog. I just don't feel like her anymore. Ever since Reuben was born I feel like I've lost myself. I don't mean like Reuben took away all my time or anything like that, I mean like when I birthed him I also morphed into a new person that I no longer know or recognize.

Okay, yes. I do have less time. I have less time for introspection, thought and research. I have less time for myself. I am very busy taking care of a tiny person and my brain is very occupied with hundreds of different things that were not on my radar before a child emerged from my vagina. My time and priorities have changed.


But I have also changed. I've noticed it, slowly, even through it happened all at once. I think I've had to catch up with the changes, maybe that is what has made it all the more shocking. Not only did things change, they did so without my permission and without my notice, dragging me along with them rather I liked it or not.

I mean there are so many things that are different about my life now versus before I had a baby. My relationship with my husband is different. Actually, now that I think about it, my relationship with every person is different. It's like birth changed me and also changed the dynamics of all my friendships and family too. But before, I only noticed the outward differences. Yet inwardly I have changed too. Morally. Emotionally. And I'm having to learn all over again how to articulate my inner voice and how to express myself.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy in the life. There is joy, there is quiet. There is peace. I just feel like I don't know who I am anymore--but maybe I don't need to know. I don't know. Ahhugh. Anyway, I noticed that my blog content changed after birth too. I lost a lot of readers and for the longest time I wondered why. I mean, people come and go. I get that. But I still wondered why. I now think it's because I changed, my content changed, my voice changed.

But into what have I changed...that is the question. Maybe one day I'll have sufficient rest and energy to answer it.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Week 104


The week where I bought organic bedding. The week we decided my husband could name the baby. These two things might be related...also, this marks TWO YEARS VLOGGING! Wow, huh? That's amazing. Next week I will mark one year ago, and two years ago!! Crazy, huh? I love documenting our life as I am able and I don't see myself stopping any time soon. I love that I can look back on the (badly filmed) videos of Reuben's first year of life, and now his second! I hope I have grown in my editing efforts, and I know I have a lot more growing to do... but I love this. I love thinking my kids can look back when they are adults, or I can when I am old...or my great, great grandchildren. I love capturing the amazing moments so I will never forget.

One Year Ago is here.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Rainbow Cowl

I love color. I'm kinda obsessed. I received this bulky yarn in my Knit Picks mystery box, and decided to make a cowl out of it! I love how it turned out, too! It's warm, and fun, and colorful and everything I usually look for in accessories.


I liked the pattern, it was free on Ravelry (Blue Streak). The only modification I made was to use a 16 inch circular needle as it did not fit on the 26 circular needle the pattern called for. The rest was an easy knitting project with a simple, memorable pattern and an awesome rainbow outcome.


I've also started on my first sweater for my little two-year-old niece. I decided not to make the lace sweater after much deliberation. I kept feeling stressed and anxious when thinking of knitting that complicated pattern, so I've opted for something simpler and although it won't be as visually stunning, I am still excited to make matching pink sweaters for my two wonderful nieces.
 

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

24 Weeks

Time has flown by! I had my 20 week ultrasound (didn't find out the gender) but baby is doing well, besides measuring 3-4 weeks ahead. Looks like I am growing another 10 + pound baby. Please pray for my vagina. No matter the size of the baby it's going to hurt, but big babies I assume are a little tougher. Who knows. Not me, because the last baby I had was 10 pounds 6.1 oz so I can't compare it to a "normal" birth weight baby.


I'm just starting to feel huge. Last week my center of gravity shifted and I have been bumping into this and that and knocking things over. I'm definitely in maternity clothes at this point. I am having a lot of  joint pain really early this time around (with Reuben this didn't happen until around the last 2 months) and I think it's because I still have my abdominal split issue. Pregnancy is making it worse again, and I will have to start all over with physical therapy to close it up after birth. Not looking forward to that, but what can you do?


Here are some pictures of around 24 weeks with Reuben--I think I am definitely bigger this time.

Pregnancy woes? I am having some serious gut issues that are driving me crazy. I can't wait to get this baby out of me in the hopes that my gut will calm down. I was symptom free for six months before getting pregnant with this new squish, so I have no idea what is wrong or how to fix it. Ugh.


Also, nesting. Nesting like crazy. This baby is going to have a nursery before he or she is born. At least that is my goal! If you want to see how that is going follow my daily vlogging account.

I am excited about this new baby. I am hoping for a girl. But I am trying to be happy with whatever God has blessed us with.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Week 103

The week of the solar eclipse. We wanted to travel to totality but couldn't find a place to stay because EVERYTHING was booked. So we just stayed home and watched the partial eclipse from our house. I didn't care much anyway for the moon eclipsing the sun, but husband was bummed we didn't get to see the full thing.


One year ago is here.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Sweater Vest

I've been knitting so much for the January Baby that I wanted to make something for Reuben. I actually started on this sweater vest for him before morning sickness hit, but didn't finish it until much later in my pregnancy. Obviously that's okay--it just hit fall and he's just able to wear it, so no time missed.



Isn't it JUST ADORABLE? Not to mention he loves it and wants to wear it every day. There is nothing more satisfying for a knitter. I am sure he will outgrow the "I love everything mommy makes" stage by his teen years, but for now I will bask in my greatness. (ahem) (lol)



The pattern is the Toddler Snappy Shoulder Vest. It's free, and I really enjoyed it! I did have to redo the bottom once, as I made it too short the first time, but overall I am very pleased with how it turned out. I was tired of picking up stitches by the time I was done--the shoulders and the neck all had to be picked up. Oh, and I used knit picks yarn from my stash. Yay, stash busting!



Now on to Christmas knitting!

Friday, September 22, 2017

Baby Sweater

I've had this pattern in my queue to make for awhile for Reuben, but on a whim decided to knit one up in the 0-3 month size for January Baby before tackeling a toddler one.


I really love how it turned out. The Almost Seamless Pullover was not an easy knit, but it wasn't hard either. The pattern was free, and well put together. I love the yolk. As it's the first sweater with sleeves I have completed (that worked out right) so I am extremely happy. After I knit this, the yarn arrived for my Christmas knitting, and the complicated lace sweater I am wanting to create for all the girls in my family, so it's nice to have one sweater done, for just a tiny bit of reference. I plan on creating the almost seamless pullover for the males in my family, as lace just does not sound like it would suit my father or my husband. Hahaha.



This sweater was knit on 4.0mm knitting needles with knit picks worsted weight yarn. I used exactly two skeins for the 0-3 month size--there was about two yards left! I totally played yarn chicken with this one. I also learned a new skill--Kitchener stitch! It was complicated, but not so much that I felt overwhelmed. I did figure out that tension is very important when binding off with this stitch, but I still feel I did an okay job, for my first time, anyway.

I hope my January Baby likes it. I know I do.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Week 101

This week started with Reuben eating Windex, causing me to switch to all natural cleaners that I purchased from Thrive Market. It was a whirlwind week of stress (due to the ingestion of aforementioned chemicals) and also fun (because life is fun with a toddler). Enjoy!


One year ago is here.
 

Friday, September 15, 2017

Wee Fast

So I received this chunky wool yarn from a knit picks mystery box, and I didn't know what to do with it. I don't buy chunky yarn much; my stash is full of worsted and fingering weights. But I wanted to use it, and since my last two knits had been really disappointing, I decided that I would knit something fun, free and easy with this yarn. I knew that my box of Christmas yarn was coming and that a difficult project was looming, so quick, easy and fun seemed the right choice.


I searched the Ravelry pattern database and found this cute pattern called Wee Fast. And thus my own wee fast was created, all in three hours and mostly knitted in nap time. I love it! The pattern was easy, free, and also simple. I love how the yarn pooled, and I love the soft colors. Definitely a win/win. Also, no sleeves. I love no sleeve patterns. Easy. I didn't realize I hated picking up stitches, but apparently I do.



After knitting this, I felt refreshed and ready to tackle something harder.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Week 100

One hundred weeks of vlogging! Wow! This week I am just trying to get back into the swing of things, as well as make vlogging simpler for myself. I am going to quit doing the links at the end of the videos to the next, last and one year ago vlogs. I also quit doing my outro. I love vlogging and want to continue, but all the bells and whistles make it too time consuming. Time to simplify! Let me know what you think.


 One year ago is here.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Wool Onesie and Moods

When browsing Ravelry I came across the pattern Little Brother's Romper and fell in love. I promptly envisioned knitting it in this green yarn I have had in my stash forever, that I bought at my local yarn shop on clearance.


So, I bought the pattern, and found the yarn in the depths of my stash. And was sadly disappointed. I am not trying to judge this designer, but her pattern is not friendly to novice or intermediate knitters. It's very bare bones, figure it out yourself kind of knit. Not what I expect when I pay for a pattern--more what I expect from a free pattern. Several steps are left out that I had to figure out for myself. I know, I learned a lot, but I had to redo the bottom a few times and make some things up as I went along. And I also had to redo the top because I made a huge mistake (that mistake was due to not paying attention on my part [AHEM TODDLER] and not the pattern). But the pattern was frustrating. I had wanted to knit 2-3 more of this designers patterns, but after my experience with that one, I have removed them from my queue.  



I was very happy to be done with it. I mean, I am pleased--it's very cute, and I am sure it will look great on my infant, and I love the Araucania Milodon yarn, but it was a lot of trouble to knit and I just remember being frustrated, not relaxed, while making it.

It's funny how things I make have moods attached to them, depending on how easy/hard they were to knit. I just ordered my Christmas yarn to start on my holiday knitting and am planning on making a very complicated sweater for everyone in my family, so...there is more tough knitting to come. And also a reason I am starting with the 2T size of the sweater. Hahaa.

What do you do when you have a frustrating knit?

Monday, September 4, 2017

Week 99

Reuben turns two! I can't believe it has been TWO YEARS. Time flies, and it's also slow. Such is life. I am thrilled he is two, and I love him to pieces more every day. We were both sick on his actual birthday, but his party was that coming Saturday and he was better by that date...


One Year Ago video can be found here!

Friday, September 1, 2017

First Knit Diaper Cover

We mostly cloth diaper, so when I found out I was expecting I looked up a few cloth diaper knitting patterns. I really liked the Vanilla Soaker pattern, but I didn't know how to do a cast on that you could take out to leave live stitches so I just picked up sts when I arrived at that part. That was a mistake. Since I am horrible at picking up stitches, it left a glaring line in my diaper that was quite ugly! I was so upset, but a friend suggested sewing a piece of lace over it. So I did, and that is why my new diaper has a weird piece of lace on it. Trust me, it's better than a weird line. I do want to make more of these, so I will be learning the cast on to make it right next time.


Anyway, every time I look at this diaper I just remember my mistake and feel irritated. I need to make another one to redeem myself for sure.


I used knit picks wool of the andes in worsted weight to create this.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

We are Never promised Tomorrow

I think we all have moments where we are faced with our own limitations. But for me, one of those times was the birth of my child. Why did life bring the reality of death so much closer? When he was placed into my arms my heart broke and healed at the same time, and I realized I would never be the same again. 


Yesterday Reuben took a really nasty fall. The kind where I heard his head hit the floor and his life flashed before my eyes. I rushed to him, cradled him in my arms and eventually dried tears. He ended up being perfectly wonderfully okay, but in the moment I was at defcon one, my fight or flight mode raging.


One of the hardest things for me to accept as a mother is that I can't protect my child. His life is not in my hands. I am not promised tomorrow. I can't imagine anything ever happening to him, but at times, like yesterday, where he is bleeding and crying on me and I'm holding him in my arms wishing I could take away his pain--I feel the finite reality of death. One day he will die. It could be soon. I would die for him, only I don't have that option. God controls life or death, even if I don't want to accept it.


Life is fragile, even if we aren't reminded of it often. God is good, and I do believe he knows the hour of my death and Reuben's too. I know I can trust him. But I also know that my human heart wants no pain to come to my child. I don't think I'll ever really stop worrying about his health and safety, but I am glad to be a child of God and know and trust Him. I just wish the future was not so uncertain.

Seeing the reality of death really helps me put my petty human desires in perspective. Do I really need to argue about this-or-that with my husband? Should I let the crumbs on the floor ruin my good mood? I want to create good memories for myself and my family--but my ultimate goal should be to serve God in everything, not serve myself. Yet daily I serve myself. If Reuben were to be taken from me tomorrow, I wouldn't get those days back, I wouldn't get another chance.


I suppose what I am saying is that I struggle just like everyone else to see the real shape of the world in regards to my paltry existence. I often place too much stock on how I look or what I have then growing the relationships around me. I forget to invest in my walk with God and instead invest in things like new clothes and pretty yarn.

Moments of clarity are rare, so I want to seize this one while it is still fresh in my mind. God is good. I am human. I have no choice but to trust him with not only my life, but the life of my children as well.

Blog brought to you by a sleepless night of watching Reuben to make sure his head injury didn't require a hospital visit. (It didn't) (I'm tired).

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Week 95-98

I didn't vlog for four weeks because nausea. These weeks are a blur of throwing up, couch potatoing, and whining to my husband about gestating his child.


Meh.

Here is from one year ago, week 43, week 44, week 45 and Week 46. I was reminded when re-watching week 44 of our last miscarriage, as it happened during that week of vlogging. I am so happy that this child in my womb now is still alive, despite the nausea and vomiting. 

Friday, August 25, 2017

Tiny Bonnet

I stumbled across this adorable lacy crochet bonnet on Pinterest and had to crochet one for the new baby. I love it. I decided to crochet in pink, because I am hoping for a girl.


If I am having a girl or not is up for debate for a few more weeks. If not, I will gift this to a mama in need, but for now I am hanging on hope!

I knit this in Knit Picks City Tweed DK yarn, and I love it to pieces! I hope my infant likes hats, because I have a few more in mind he or she will need...

Friday, August 18, 2017

Baby Socks

I have been knitting a lot of things for the baby lately. When I first found out I was expecting I found a Toe Up Baby Sock pattern and promptly knit up a cute tiny pair of infant socks! I can't wait to put them on my newborn.

While I wasn't really impressed with this pattern, I am not giving up on knitting socks and have plans to try two other baby sock knitting patterns in hopes I can find one I really like. Baby socks are so quick and fun to knit. Also, right after finishing these is when morning sickness hit me like a fright train and so I'm just posting a picture now.


Ohh, tiny baby feet! I'm so excited for this January baby so he or she can wear wool! Reuben, although a wonderful child, was born in July and did not need such things.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Things I need for Second Baby

When I had Reuben I published a list of things I bought for him before he was born. Many of those things (and the things we received from our baby shower) we will use again. We have almost everything we need if we have another boy with the exception of a few infant toys that Reuben utterly destroyed or that I gave away.

So what do we need? There are a few products that have come out since Reuben's birth that have peeked my interest, and a few things I realized I would like to try. So here is what I will be buying for my second baby; yes my sixth pregnancy, but my second birth.


  • I bought a dockatot. Since I have a toddler, this baby will need it's own space and safe area to lay down to sleep. I was lucky to find the infant dockatot (goes up to 8-9 months) for sale used locally for almost 1/2 the price. We will use the dockatot only for naps and lounging (as I said, a safe space for me to place baby that a toddler can learn not to touch) until four months and then I plan on using it as a bedsharing cosleeper. The arms reach cosleeper we bought for Reuben will be used as the baby's sleeping area for nighttime sleeping until four months. Or the tiny kid will just sleep on my chest. Because you can't really predict baby sleep preferences. 
  • I splurged BIG TIME and bought Reuben and new baby a matching pair of rainbow Sloomb Woolies. I love Sloomb Woolies (but they are $70 each)! As this baby is due January 29th I decided wool would be wonderfully useful AND that the money was worth spending. I spent a lot of time looking at the Sloomb website as Reuben was growing but never bought anything. This is my splurge item for the new baby and for Reuben! I'm so excited!
  • Burp cloths. What, you say? You didn't buy burp cloths for Reuben? Well, I had one pack of two. And goodness knows I needed a lot more than two, but never got around to buying more because I was exhausted from being a sleep deprived mom and my brain wasn't functioning well enough to make the connection to buy more. This time we will be buying a lot of burp cloths for sure. I'm thinking cute ones from target--I'll probably add this to my baby sprinkle registry for baby two. 
  • A car seat. Reuben's infant car seat is in good condition and is not expired, so we will reuse it--but we have two cars, and thus will need another baby car seat for my car eventually. 
  • If the baby is a girl (and I am SO HOPEFUL) we will need to buy some "girlish" clothes. I do plan on reusing a lot of Reuben's clothes. I'm not picky and I definitely have sentimental attachments to them; but I do want some things new for this baby, girl or no. 
  • I plan on cloth diapering again. We will only need one or two covers as some of Reuben's covers are completely worn out. I already knit a diaper cover for the new baby, and plan on making several more items as well.
  • Maybe items: there are a few items we are considering but have not purchased yet. A double stroller? A standard Mai tai? And I've been seriously considering a my breast friend nursing pillow. I am not sure if we will buy all those things, but they are on the list to consider. 
What did you guys buy for your first or second baby? Any suggestions to add to the list?

Monday, July 31, 2017

Giving up to Survive

I'm around fourteen weeks now, and I've started to acclimate to the nausea. In order to reduce my stress I have given up a lot of things that I thought were permanent parts of my life! I am starting to function so whatever works, right?


Here is what I have given up.
  1. Cloth diapers. Reuben is wearing plastic on his butt. Gasp.
  2. Making my husband lunch. He just starves. I mean, he eats at a restaurant for lunch.
  3. Worrying about our budget. I'm pregnant and miserable and just need to eat, not item crunch. Or make lunches for my husband.
  4. Unpaper towels. We bought paper towels for the first time in two years. The Earth can look after it's own self for a few weeks while I figure out how to walk without getting dizzy.
  5. Facebook. I needed to simplify. I've been having panic attacks and stress trying to keep up with my interpersonal relationships. I usually love facebook, but for right now it has to go! I need to get my own ducks in a row before I can worry about toddler advice or vaccine debates.
  6. Worrying about how much TV we are watching. Am I able to lay on the couch? Is my toddler's attention not on me? Yay, who cares what else is happening.
  7. Making videos. Nope, not happening. I can barely feed myself, so filming stuff is at the bottom of the totem.
  8. Finding a picture for this blog post. I mean, all blog posts need pictures, so I slapped one up from Reuben's birthday drive on the blue ridge parkway, but it really isn't relevant to this post. Oh well, I don't care.
Downsizing all these things may not seem like much, but it really has been the world for me! I feel better equipped to deal with my two year old (who is suddenly so two, tantrums and all) and attempt to get something done with my life, like make food. And feed myself. And try to relax so I don't have panic attacks.

You know, priorities.

How are you guys?

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Week 94

The week I threw up a lot. The week I got my hair cut. The week of morning sickness. Take your pick. Ugh. I only vlogged twice because I was having a hard time holding it together. Literally.


One year ago is here!

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

I'm not doing well

What do you do when you are at the end of your mom rope? This is week five or six of survival mode. Nauseousness is becoming my new normal. Reuben has not been sleeping well. Right now we are both sick; Daddy has been working 11 hour days and I just realized yesterday that I need help.

I need help but I don't know where to find it. All my friends are also exhausted overworked moms. My sister just had a baby and I can't even take care of myself right now, much less help her. My mom has chronic lyme and is also in need of help I can't give. Everyone needs help! We all need help but I'm still slowly drowning over here.

I'm so behind on everything. I feel like I will never be caught up. Every day I get through the day and my toddler is fed and usually I am fed and that is it. I feel like I am intellectually and emotionally starving. I have not been able to work on my book, knit, crochet or make a video. I miss those parts of myself because they were cathartic.

Everything feels insurmountable. Dishes? I get ill looking at them. It takes all day to have the energy to do them sometimes. I am so tired all of the time. I don't function well on little sleep. I have not had alone time with my husband in weeks, since Reuben is refusing to go to bed until we do. I don't have the energy to fight him every night, when my "morning sickness" is the worst and I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. 

I feel like my life is on replay. I watch Reuben and try to connect with him and try to nap when he naps and watch way to much TV and get annoyed with him because he has to touch everything all the time and specifically he has to be touching me and nothing makes my anxiety skyrocket then sticky toddler fingers in my hair. The poor dude is sick too, and thus wanting to nurse extra.

I love nursing. Well, I loved nursing when I wasn't pregnant. Now it is kind of like a slow torture. I don't even know if I am making any milk to help him!

Well, then daddy gets home and we both collapse on the couch and eat whatever I made or usually what he brought for dinner and I cry inwardly from exhaustion while he changes Reuben's diaper and we watch more TV because we can't function.

I'm not fuctioning.

I love being a mom. I love Reuben, I love that we are being blessed with a new baby. But I am so mentally and physically tired. I don't know how to pull myself out of this hole. I am trying to fall on my face before God but I am even too tired to do that most days! It does not help that I am bad at accepting help from others. I feel like I bother them, like I'm some giant inconvenience. The further I get behind the more guilt I feel. We've been missing church and small group--connections as an extrovert that I really need not to miss! Last week our washing machine AND our mower broke. Our budget is shot. Everything feels out of control.

new lawn mower
Lately I've just felt...that I can't do this anymore. That something has to change. But I don't know what, where, or when or how. I feel like I'm failing as a wife, a friend, a mother, and as a creative person.

Reuben also turned two yesterday and I was too sick to take him anywhere to celebrate. I still have his cake to make him, he's excited to make it with me. He doesn't know he's two. When I ask him how old he is, he says "two in July" because that is what I have told him for the last six months when anyone asks. I always said "he turns two in July". It is so cute. He really makes me happy. If only he wasn't so high maintenance sometimes! I have no idea how he is going to cope with sharing mommy and daddy with a new tiny human. My gut tells me it is going to be a huge adjustment for him, just like I am sure it will be for me.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

I'm dying and I can't get up

Well, I might be the most melodramatic person on the internet: but baby number two nausea has been the 5th circle of hell. Reuben's pregnancy was only the 10th circle so you can see things have escalated quite a bit.

With Reuben, my nausea was gone by 11 weeks. Completely gone. I'm 12 weeks with this bean and still confined to the fetal position trying not to throw up most nights. 6 out of 7 nights. Some days I have ALL DAY nausea. Oh, and not just nausea. I ALSO have vertigo and I feel like I'm going to pass out all the time.

literally me all the time. not pictured, the bucket to my left
Everyone keeps telling me that second pregnancies are usually worse then first ones. I thought since my body already did this once, it would know what it was doing and be easier on me! Oh well. Lesson learned?

I like to rationalize my nausea. It ranges from 30% to "get me a bucket NOW". I tell husband the percentage so he can gauge my mood. Thirty percent means there might be a dinner when he arrives home. Anything over 50 and he needs to bring take out. Anything over 70 and he can expect to find his mom watching Reuben when he arrives home with me sobbing in the bathroom.

I hate nausea. I don't care what level of nausea you are having--any is bad. A lot is horrible. All day? Good luck getting anything done. I am so far behind on laundry that my husband went to Walmart and bought himself NEW BOXERS to wear instead of washing the 6,405 dirty ones piled up in the washroom. Men.

I have not knit a stitch in four weeks, filmed a video, or showered without calculating how far I am from the toilet. Because I need to know. Really, I do. Mistakes, or missing the toilet...are not fun.

I have not vlogged or cleaned. My husband has been doing the grocery shopping while listening to me whine about how much I hate being nauseous all the time.

Oh and the crusher....we bought Reuben a book about having a sibling. After reading said book to him, daddy asked him if he wanted a sister. He said no.

Later I asked him again. He said, and I quote "not right now mommy."

I just hope he sleeps through the night before the new baby arrives.

Week 93


One year ago vlogs are here.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Week 92


The week I found out I was pregnant! I hope it's a girl. Daddy wants another boy. Who knows?

One year ago is here!

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Crochet Ruffle Boot Cuffs

I've made knit ruffle boot cuffs so of course I had to make crochet ruffle boot cuffs! To make these cuffs you will need a 4.25mm crochet hook (size G) and around 300 yards of worsted weight yarn. Crochet eats up yarn like crazy! I used about 50 yards for each base cuff (so 100 yards total) and about 30 yards for each color ruffled row (so 60 yards total per row per ruffle).


I did rainbow ruffles, but you can do one color or two or six like me! The options are limitless. You can also leave more space between the ruffles if you desire by adding more rows of hdc in the back loops. This is explained in the pattern! Good luck.

You can view the PDF pattern here and the YouTube video below (or here) Happy crocheting!

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Crochet Basic Booties

We need more basic boot cuff patterns! I have a lot of funky ones that I love, but sometimes I just want something normal. That's why I designed this pattern!


For these boot cuffs you need worsted weight yarn and a 4.25mm crochet hook. Download the PDF file here, or watch the video below. Happy crocheting!

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