Saturday, May 21, 2022

A Saturday of Woes

This weekend has been hard. Yesterday I learned a friend of mine lost her baby in utero. She was 25 weeks along with a much prayed for, much anticipated little boy. I grieve with her every hour!! I can't imagine what she is going through...

...okay I can imagine it. I don't want to imagine it. I have had six miscarriages, my last around 12 weeks. I would never want anyone to have to walk the path of losing a child at any age, be it at 6 weeks pregnant or their adult, 45 year old son. Yet death is part of life, and we must grapple with it, we must contend with this reality. And God himself has walked these paths before us, and walks them even now with us. It doesn't change the fact they are hard paths and full of many sorrows. God's son Jesus died horrifically on a cross... he was a father who has lost his son, who gave him up to rescue us wretched humans. 

I have been in deep misery for my friend. How do you move on from something like that? My own losses have taken years. The answer of course lies in Jesus. Only in him have I been able to cobble together my own broken heart and take steps upward out of the basement that is infertility and child loss. 

Another thing I have been struggling with is a grumpy attitude. I woke up with one anew this morning. And I took it downstairs with me to make breakfast, asking myself, ugh I have to make breakfast again? I have to clean the kitchen again? I can make it though the Monday-Friday grind but somehow when Saturday rolls around I am always surprised that I still am required to clean messes and do laundry with a peaceful and quiet attitude while juggling my ever expanding to-do list. Meh. I want to lay in the yard and read a book while everything takes care of itself. Alas, my children are not quite old enough (or trained enough) for this endeavor yet, so here I am on a sunny dawn with a frown and a heart of resentment. 

Why am I still battling this? How long, oh Lord. Give me peace, give me joy for the work you have set before me. Yes, dishes again and reminding my kids to clear the table at least three times (need to work on discipline I have trained them not to listen to me) yes, clothes are dirty and yes Becky has taken scissors to her clothes. Eyeroll. Yes I am too tired and too done to play a game but we played two and I tried to act like I liked it. Everyone wants snuggles with mommy except mommy. Mommy wants a date night with daddy, but that isn't going to happen. Ugh. 

I think my fight in this area is twofold. One, I keep trying to do it all myself. Two, I don't plan enough so we have freezer meals for the times I am struggling and need a break in the kitchen. Summer goal: make a lot of freezer meals. Also I want to declutter half our house. I need to get more disciplined in this area! 

This weekend grief is in the background, ever present for my friend and her wee little one. I have thrown cbd oil, rest, and chocolate at my housework anxiety. I am also am trying to accept's a hard road. I like a clean house and orderly children. God has gifted me with a house that is only clean for five minutes, and disorderly children. Also, why is either my kitchen/living room clean, or the bathroom/kids rooms are clean? I can never seem to achieve Full House Tidiness. Is it an art, or am I just deficient? I'm deficient, aren't I. Because I am usually good at art. 

But there is more in this saterday of woes, and this next thing...I really don't know how we are going to fix it. What am I talking about? Simply, our budget. It's a mess. 

We used to argue a lot about budgeting early on in our marriage (and I have blogged about budgeting before and our budgets) but we worked out the kinks for awhile. We had two babies and did special diets, but now we are done with prenatal appointments and keto cooking.

Yet we are definitely struggling to meet our budget. It isn't working. With gas prices and inflation on the rise, we are not making it. The budget that is. We defiantly are not going hungry or anything, but there will be no vacation this year. Maybe some camping? And I am at the point now that I don't know what to cut. It has been shaved, reduced, pared back, shelled...down to my comfort level! But now it must go further, and I don't know how. I honestly don't! I was chatting to my husband casually about it today (we are saving the Big Budget Cut talk for tomorrow) and he was like "Its simple. Just spend less." But we literally buy groceries. And gas. I don't even buy supplements anymore, that was significantly reduced last month. We had to remove two items from our raw milk and I am still upset about it. I spend about $20 a month on fun and that is the extent of the fun. We don't go out to eat, we don't do expensive themed birthday parties and I get my hair cut twice every 4-5 years. I don't do my nails, we don't have Netflix or Hulu or Disney plus, we eat simple and I try really hard not to throw out food. 

Our biggest budget category right now is violin lessons, and this will be my last semester doing violin because of it. I am sad. I wanted to do one more semester so I could finish the Suzuki book, but it isn't going to work. We need that $375. I had planned to put Becky in piano lessons in January when she turned five, but I don't know if that will be possible right now. Maybe. I hope so! 

I know I sound grumpy. I am trying so hard not to be. We have a beautiful family, we have more than enough. I truly don't need any more clothes, we have so many good books, so many wonderful friends and a garden that teems with life, bright days to look towards and a summer of fun just around the corner! God really is good! But change is hard. We will adjust. All of America is going through this right now, inflation really does effect everyone. Giving up my violin lesson isn't that hard. We still have food, Reuben can still take violin. I can still play and make music, and maybe I can pick up lessons later when things get better. And if we have to pair down more, we will. We can do this. 

I should read The Long Winter or The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew again.  Both good books for being content with what one has and giving blessings for the small things. We will get through this, because alas I don't think it is going to get any better. I am beyond grateful that my husband has a job, that we have a house, and an abundance of good and wholesome food. I have nothing to complain about! Nothing at all! And from this moment I will try to throw off my grumpy attitude and abide in the deep and everlasting hope of Christ.

How are you all? We are starting on year two free reads and planning out the summer. Hugs! I still have a lot to work on and a lot of growing in Christ to do. I must be humble, and keep my inner eyes focused on things above. This is not my home, and I wait for the sound of trumpets and the return of Christ.

Galatians 6:8 "Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will deep destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Psalm 33:18 "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love."

There are some gems of goodness in my week. I'm taking a wonderful homeopathic class with a group of local women and I am filled to bursting with cherished memories and community. We finished school and are taking a much needed breather week before starting the homeschool keep-up (memory verses and reading work, mostly). My husband and I have been listening to an audio book, I got to knit some on a scarf... I found a new favorite author... there are good things in this hard week, and I don't want to forget them. My week was filled with raw milk smoothies and snuggles with the kids and even an encouraging dentist appointment. God is good, and I will cling to him when waves come. 

Thursday, May 19, 2022

thoughts on healing

The amount of energy I have is one of the ways I know that I am healing, and have healed so much. Who is this person vacuuming after 5pm? Who is this person doing dishes and smiling and gardening after the kids are put to bed? Who is she? I don't recognize myself. 

I used to feel like I was carrying a load of bricks after dinner. I remember when I first had lyme and I had to lay down every day after lunch, and sometimes I wasn't able to get up again. It has been a hard few years. 

I am so incredibly thankful that I can cook, clean, and parent. Daily I am filled not only with the holy peace and joy of God, but also energy to manage my household. Normal energy! I feel normal!!! 

Before, I would rest because I was exhausted. My body literally gave up. Now I choose to rest, to read my bible, to play the violin and pick up a book, and those things are not done because I have to, but because every human deserves rest and recuperation. Because rest is good for my soul and for me, and my family!

No more diets! I have continued eating my way though the food pyramid and enjoying what God has made. I have found a few things that still disagree with me-- gluten that has not been soaked for over 12 hours, and for some reason oats are still bothering me. But I was never a big oat person anyway. Maybe as I continue to heal these other things will fall into place. 

Also, I have stopped taking supplements! I am trying to take them only as needed. The only thing I am taking is a multivitamin. 

It is summer break now at the Markey household, our garden is in full swing with tomatoes and squash plants. A rouge rabbit ate all the cucumber plants and trampled my peas, so we will have none this year? I am not sure. I started two more cucumber plants and need to transplant them and have not done it yet. We have been unsuccessful at catching the rabbit but perhaps successful in keeping it out of the garden. Time will tell. 

We have plans for a slow summer. Knitting, and laying in the hammock for me (thank you Brian for the wonderful mothers day present!) reading books with the kids and exploring our town, making memories and hanging out with friends. 

How are you all?