a dance I didn't know existed

The saying about when it rains it pours is totally true. And probably part of why adults have anxiety? Things have been rolling along like a proverbial train, homeschooling, child-reading, battling my own sin nature, digging deep in God's word, shoving as much natural medicine knowledge into my head as possible...

Until, yesterday! 

I have found lately that I don't like myself much. I am in an overly critical phase or something. Please tell me its a phase and not the new normal because I don't want to be a judgmental crab apple of a person forever. I have noticed a trend of either oversimplifying people/situations or staring down my nose with a hindsight bias attitude. Neither of which are helpful or kind to whatever crisis a person is currently going through.

Example: a friend of mine texted me she was so tired, she had been up for 9 nights with a sick 9 month old baby. I typed back "my husband and I take turns when this happens so that at least one of us is sleeping". I reread what I had typed and erased it. I wrote instead "I understand, you sound exhausted, praying for you more". Then I offered to bring her hummus and sourdough pita tomorrow. 

In the course of writing the advice portion, I realized that my kids are 4 and 7 and not a breastfeeding 9 month old, and that my "husband and I taking turns" really only works because my kids are older. We were not able to take turns when the kids were little, and I had forgotten that. A breastfeeding baby does not want daddy at 9am. At least, mine didn't.

Also she didn't ask for advice, and giving her that kind of advice in the middle of her sleep-deprived state wasn't helpful. She's a smart human, she's doing all she can. I resolved from now on not to try to "fix" problems but instead help, if I can. 

Is this what 35 is? Am I evolving into a kind and caring creature? 

In the last two days we have learned:

• my mother in law has covid (she's doing fine)
• friend with sick baby finally went to the ER and the baby has RSV
• another friend had a car wreck (she's okay. was scary!)
• drove to the dentist with my husband (stressful!!) for Reuben
• ended a week of family stay-cation 
• church drama
• family drama 

and more. I could go on--I am amazed at how much Reuben has grown and matured but I keep stepping on his 7-year old toes and forgetting the myriad of things he really can do for himself. And that I need to stop micromanaging him and I need to start letting him make more decisions for himself. I have frustrated him a lot since he turned seven doing things that he had no qualms about me doing/or deciding when he was six. Growing up is hard. Being a mama to someone who is growing up is hard. Navigating communication, tasks, and independence is a dance I didn't know existed. 

But through it all God is good and usually I maintain my trust and calm as I abide in him. 

Philippians 4:4-9

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Our ladies bible study at church is studying 1 Samual this semester and it has been just what I needed. 

God is good and I hope I can be the mother God would want me to be for Reuben and Rebekah. And the wife for my husband, and a good supportive friend to all those who I am honored to call friends. Here is to 35 and all the insights it offers, even if they are about my personality and it's flaws. 

the post I shouldn't write about my mother in law

I've been in some kind of funk lately. There is a lot going on; my husband is working long hours (he's doing four 10s, so he gets Friday off which is awesome but I'm doing bedtime all by myself four days a week). I did not receive a series of texts from my mother inviting me to lunch causing her and I much confusion. I have to start homeschooling again and I don't know how I am going to fit it in. How did I fit that in? 

I have felt lonely. Probably everyone struggles with loneliness at some point in their life, we are ghosts in a shell to steal that term, and humans are fickle and selfish. Loneliness can be selfish too. All my friends are busy moms! I'm a busy mom! It's HARD. I am alone most of the day, alone with my children which can be a special kind of endurance exercise. Just as there are amazing moments of reading books, seeing them wonder and explore nature, there are also days full of tantrums (I have my own kind of tantrum lets be honest here I am not solely blaming the toddler) and sickness, days with stress and over-the-top feelings and just days where I am done by 8am but its raining so we are all stuck inside. I wouldn't trade this for the world, but that doesn't mean I love it 24/7. I mean, I chose this! I chose to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I chose these roles for ourselves and it is good. But is is also hard, like I said above.

I have talked about my mother in law here a lot on my blog early in my marriage. I didn't understand her. I tried to please her in every way I could. I still don't understand her! I have tried to be courteous but also stand up for myself. I have tried to be firm on my boundaries but also be a person she could be human around. After 7 or so years of trying to please her, I decided to quit. I stopped letting her come over. I stopped letting her come between me and my children and between me and my husband. I wish I had prayed more (I did pray some) and I do have regrets, but I honestly tried as hard as I could to be someone who she could love. 

But I have always felt guilty over shutting her out. I didn't know what to do; it was a last resort decision my husband and I made. What else could we do? We do see her at church since she attends the same church as us. I see her more than I do my own mother (who works) even with cutting her out of our lives due to...a list of things I could make! She has disrespected ourselves and our children and always tried to undermine our parenting and our pasts. She and her husband did not attend our wedding and even after marriage asked my husband to divorce me. She became only interested in my children when I birthed them, and always seeks to make herself the center of attention. She lies, and slanders my name to her family, and is always giving me unsolicited advice. She contradicts my parenting in front of my children. It is baffling. 

Since those times, almost three years have passed. I have had a lot of time to think. And ponder and try to understand. I do understand a lot better now. I hope I can take what I have learned and be a good mother in law if my children ever marry, due to what I have seen and learned. I don't feel guilty for cutting off mother in law visitation anymore. I now realize she is a bitter, sad person who has chosen this path. I can't change her, but I can choose who I allow and don't allow around my children.

I think Ruth says it best in Ruth Hall "your grandmother is an unhappy, miserable old woman. She has punished herself worse than anybody else could punish her. She is more miserable than ever now...she might have made us all love her and help to make her old age cheerful but now unless she repents, she will live miserably and die forsaken for nobody can love her with such a temper."

For a long time I struggled to forgive my mother in law for all the pain and contention she brought to my marriage, instead of joy, love, honor and trust. I forgive her. She chose not to have dinner with us. She has chosen not to watch my children so my husband and I can have a date. She chose bitterness, strife, envy, anger and resentment as bridal gifts for me, and I will only return them with love and peace.

The thing I have been laughing about the most is something she said recently in bible study. She said her own mother (who is 94 and still alive) stayed with her for 6 weeks when she had her first child (who is now my husband) and she cried when her mother left because she didn't know how she was going to do it on her own.

It stuck deep. I would have given anything to have her there to help me when I was struggling so much during the first 6 weeks of postpartum when I had Reuben. My own mother was working, and my younger sister had just had a baby as well, and my mother was busy helping my sister when she could between work (my sister is a single mom). My husband had only one week off when I gave birth. I had no idea what I was doing and I really needed help. 

I don't think my mother in law even brought us a meal. She came over once and was so upset that I was breastfeeding, she said it was too sexual and gross. I cried when she left. All I was trying to do was feed my baby in the privacy of my own home, exhausted and sore from birth. I'm sure she didn't know what her words meant, but maybe she did. Maybe it was bitter words from her heart because she was not able to breastfeed, even though I have never shamed her. 

She never asks how I am doing. I have asked her out to coffee several times, desiring to get to know her better, and she has declined each time. 

The circumstances don't matter. I want freedom from this.

Every six months or so she makes me feel sorry for her so I try to do something...and it always backfires. Never again. I am free. And so is she.

what I would tell myself as a new mother

I was thinking today what a crazy whirlwind the last seven years of child raising has been. Two (or three?) chronic illnesses, two babies, six miscarriages...it has been a lot. And how fragrant has my Lord become to me due to the trials I have endured!

What advice would I give to new mothers, whose wombs are full of sweet first flutterings of life? Oh, how I wish I could go back and bestow some wisdom on myself. 

I want to write a motherhood book, but there are too many on the market today and I don't have time. Yet I always write here. 

So here I am. Mulling over all the things, and what would I choose to speak on if I had thirty minutes uninterrupted from sticky fingers and probing questions and potty breaks.

I would start with the trials. Oh, dear new mother, I would say...you are about to undergo some discomfort. Western life is all about comfort and ease, and the I-can-get-it-now mentality. Two day amazon shipping? Check. Netflix binge with Chinese take-out every Friday? Self care culture, mani-pedis and bubble baths. New clothes, new shoes, new you every year. Most women I meet have not endured many trials. They (like me) floated through a life that was all about them and their accomplishments and interests. But motherhood is new, unbroken ground. Suddenly there is a lot less time for yourself and your dreams. Suddenly you are holding a squirmy, ungrateful child and scrubbing floors for a man who doesn't understand how hard you work and how demanding parenting is. You wake up (and go to sleep) "on the clock of motherhood". There is never a moments break; many moms have no help and babysitters are either too expensive or hard to find. 

Motherhood is slow. It isn't easy and there is no quick gratification. You are about to be uncomfortable for quite awhile, and I am not only speaking of labor and delivery. Motherhood is messy. There are no promises. Your child may grow up to be a Yale graduate or he could end up homeless and sleeping on benches in NYC. He could die at six from choking on an apple, he might turn 18 and tell you he hates you as he packs his bags for Japan. There are no assurances for perfection or love, only the Bible and the promises of God--that is all you and your fragile heart have to cling too. And cling you must, because mother's hearts are easily broken. 

There is nothing dazzling about changing a poopy blow out diaper at 2 am after only sleeping for 1.5 hours. There is nothing to cheer about when your precious snowflake is caught cheating, lying, stealing and fornicating. 

What I am saying is you (and your husband) are about to have all your buttons pushed for weeks, and maybe years, on end. And that is just the young years! 

Be easy on yourself. Don't have the hard conversations when you are burnt out, sleep deprived, and tired. Make time to laugh. Eat cake, cuddle the babies and take turns getting up with them at night. Live guilt free. Screen time, take out, and locks on the bathroom door were made for a reason. Be diligent with how you feed your children (and their minds) but don't punish yourself if they watch Daniel Tiger for three hours while you cry in the bathroom and text friends. Try and read your bible while you cry; definitely pray.  

Realize no one is going to save you. This was big for me. There is no knight in shining armor that is going to swoop down and rescue you from tantrums, three year olds who hit, potty accidents, spills, mud, broken or torn things, sisters who give the baby a impromptu hair cut, sharpies on faces...extended family drama in the middle of a sleepless night, fridges that break, crying children and piles of dirty laundry. Clean up your own mess and train those children. If you don't do it, no one will. 

Your husband is not a knight and he isn't there to liberate you from all the discomfort and pain that child-rearing brings, especially if he is working long hard hours too. He needs a break just as much as you do! Don't try to pin that saviors robe on him. Jesus died so you could go to heaven, not to rescue you from orange juice spills and sleepless nights. Run to Jesus in these weary days of motherhood, he will be your rest. Point your husband to God and remember the promises of the Bible.

Don't despair. God created motherhood to draw you closer to him so you can abide and rest in the comfort of his loving embrace. Support other mothers you know. We are all exhausted and a little help (a meal, a text, a card, some cute stickers, a dinner out, a matcha latte in the park...) goes a long way. Be the village you want to live in.

You can do it. God believes in you, or he wouldn't have made you a mother. His plans for you are good! 

That's what I would tell new mothers. What would you add?

various subjects that have kept me up at night

Today I was reading Jonah. Lately when I read the Bible I am struck by how parallel it is to my own life; and today was no exception. I thought, wow; I am just like Jonah! How so you might ask? When I see others sinful misdeeds I wish them all the 'just desserts' and ponder how God will teach them all the hard lessons...but for myself I want mercy. I excuse my own bad behavior and pray God will spare me the lectures and trials. 

Of course, God has spared me many times when I did not deserve it. Also he has instructed me with the truth of the gospel and that sword of truth does not fall lightly. 

I don't know what I have been doing this year. It was been a crazy year, at least from my perspective. War in Ukraine, Covid, politics, little mouths to be fed and taught and I need to pull out my spring wardrobe because its getting warm out. And all of that happened today! So far this year I have been trying to deal with the stress I have been living under. The burdens I have carefully constructed and insist toting around must go; Jesus died for me. I want to abide in him. Yet still I get stressed as I try to figure out how to take my kids to violin lessons and switch the laundry. I get paralyzed sometimes, that I am not enough, that I am failing, that I can't do it. And that is not a fun place to exist as a mom! I keep trying to do it all on my own, but that will never work. It is only by the grace of God I can do anything, and I must submit and use his strength. God is so good. 

We have about 16 weeks of school left to fit into 12 weeks! I am trucking along. I am actually proud of myself. Homeschooling with a chronic illness isn't something I thought I could do, and yet here we are only four weeks behind!!! I have one of three choices...I could do a light summer program with the last four weeks, breaking up the readings. Second, I could add them to next year (year 2) schedule. Third, I could double up some weeks right now... I guess a forth choice is to move them over to free reads? But I don't really want to do that. I want to do it "right" (is there a right??? I need to let go of this idea that if I 'fail' and miss a week or two I have actually won, because of all the other weeks we did and the amazing feast of education he received...think about what he is getting, not what he isn't, right??)

I'm trying to do option three curently. I have decided to try and add a reading or two to our week and see if it works, maybe I will even try two weeks at once? But that all depends on if I can keep going; so far this year we have had strep throat, the stomach flu and I overdosed on Ivermectin and was sick for about three days from that (do you want that story time here?? let me know. its crazy and includes me bleeding out of my ear.) There was also the week I took off because I was so stressed about having breast cancer (still don't know for sure) and I had to work through some hard things there. 

But here I am. Still here, thriving, and watching my children be nourished by the truth beauty and goodness of this amazing world God made!

I made chicken for dinner with roasted veggies and...I get all that, and God. And a new sunset tonight. So what do I have to complain about? 

How are you all? I have more to talk about but I have run out of time...

Crisis Point

 A lot has happened. 

On one hand, I realized I had slowly made "health" an idol in my life. I thought my life would start again when I got better, that I would be a good mom when I healed, that my own health would bring joy and happiness. Now, health is awesome and I definitely want to heal (Yes I am still sick. I am above 50 percent but I would love to be back at 100!!) but I shouldn't put my health over GOD. 

I can be a good mom and have a chronic illness.

I can be a good wife and have a chronic illness. 

I can be happy and have joy in God and have a chronic illness.

It is sweet to re-center and have God be my everything. Suddenly, my health isn't as important as I thought it was. God is everything, and he will be enough. 

This week I have thought so many things through. I get sunsets every night from my home AND God? What more do I need? Why do I complain so much?? I get matcha lattes at lunch and God. I have more than I need, because I only need God.

What else is happening:

We are knee deep in Ambleside Year One, Term Two. I am doing the Gaps diet but staying in ketosis and it's helping! I can do an enema no problem and laugh at myself for being wary of them. They are wonderful and healing and need to be a part of our culture. Yes I'm weird but look it up. Russia is attacking the Ukraine and I am praying. I need to say no to more things because I keep doing too much and I need rest. 

I have an appointment in two weeks to check for breast cancer. I already think I have it, but who knows. I need to remember to put frankincense EO on myself. Hopefully I don't have it but I can't think of what else this would be. 

Husband joined me on the keto diet...I had to have him join. I can't make extra food for people. 

I am excited for rest, and I will definitely let you guys know if I have cancer. 

I am all the bad girls in the Bible

me.

One night as I was falling asleep I thought to myself I'm not ANY of the good bible girls. I'm all the bad ones!! I immediately started chuckling to myself, because its true!! 

I relate so much to Lot's wife. Like her, I keep looking back at what I shouldn't. Except instead of the city of sin being behind me, its my child-free years I keep expecting to see again. Of all people in the Bible, I never expected to sympathize with Lot's wife, or to understand her-- but you know, if I had been in that position maybe I would have looked back too. It would have been my home. 

Instead of a pillar of salt, I was granted mercy. That's what I thought next. For all my neck-craning and weeping over my loss of "free time" when I sprouted babies from my womb, I should have been turned into a pillar of salt. Sin is death, right? And whining about God's blessings surely is a sin. I love my children, but I also mourn the changes in my life. Mourning and moving on is one thing; the pity party I throw myself over all the work I have is another.

I have always known I am the women at the well. I also was promiscuous in my early twenties, much to my regret. And God also saved me. Not in person, at a well--but he still offered me the water of life and showed me everything I had ever done. He knew me and my sins; I could not hide from him. And like the woman at the well--this is why I talk about my shameful past openly. Come and see, come and see a man who has told me everything I ever did.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:38-42

We can never forget Martha and Mary. These women have been held up as dichotomies to me since I was in middle school. A mere year ago I would have rolled my eyes at hearing the story rehashed. Here we go again. Another person is going to do the Martha and Mary bit. 

In the 90s in my fundamental church, it was always be a Mary and never a Martha. But I am a Martha, and thus I always felt judged or like I had to hide it. No one ever tells you HOW to be a Mary, do they? They just point out that good girls should and leave it at that.

Now that I am older and I understand Martha and Mary more, I see a lot in that passage that I didn't see before. And I accept that I have been both a Martha and a Mary throughout different situations in my life. Like her, I daily am distracted by all the preparations that need to be made. It is a discipline to clear my mind and focus on Christ in the midst of all this life that is going on; with small children and marriage and dishes to wash.

Yet Mary is an ideal I hold in my mind. What would it be like to be focused on christ so completely I had the wisdom to know when to work, and when to rest? And also, I am sure, she possesses the deep trust not to worry overmuch what she is wearing or what kind of lunch her children are eating or how dirty her floor is. Ah, to be such a woman.

In jest, I think that perhaps Mary was single and Martha was married. And she was stressed because of what Paul says.

"But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this...I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband." 1 Corinthians 7:28;33-34

Bah ha hah. It is great to end on a joke. But for sure, marriage is glorious and also, exactly as Paul states. 

What bad bible girl are you?

Please tell me. Unless you are one of Lot's daughters. That is some drama I don't need to carry. 

my head is full of longing for what it could be

Sometimes I think I am not going to make it. After a hard day. A day where everyone cries, no one likes my food, nothing is clean and exhaustion tethers me to the earth like a kite in a thunderstorm. Is this all it is? This, day after day after day until I die? Laundry, cooking, cleaning the kitchen table with the same rag I washed yesterday, sweeping the same floor clear of crumbs, saying the same things without end.

Don't do that, don't touch that, why won't you listen. 

A inner voice tells me, stop nagging, don't gripe, talk to your children. But sometimes I can't hear it because my head is full of longing for what it could be but what it is not. Why do I think so much about my life, that life I had before children? It isn't coming back. It died the night my baby was born, and something new arrived. And even while I love my life-after-kids, I also battle negative thoughts. Thoughts that churn my mind with impossible dreams. Dreams of writing, dreams of knitting, dreams of devoting myself to creating and dreams of evenings with tea by the fire and comradeship and study. 

Dreams are fine, I suppose, if only I didn't want them so much. It's like I was offered a field, a field peppered with marigolds and buttercups, windswept and lovely, but I can't ever be happy there because I keep looking behind myself at the lake I just swam through, between the lovely green hills. Instead of being grateful for the field, I want the lake back. 

I'm a mother adrift with loathing, trudging through the flowers like a weary traveler twice her age, carrying my rocks of insolence and boulders of antipathy high on my back, my neck sore from looking over my shoulder. 

Every night I count my rocks, whisper their names in the darkness, cling to them like they mean something. I could be free, but who would carry the rocks? I must have some purpose, and thus I make my own, because I am good at doing things by myself.

They seem to grow over time, the rocks. From pebbles to cliffs that crush me. I always did make mountains out of molehills. 

I love my babies to pieces. But it is so hard. And there is no breaks. I am alone. My heart is breaking. I work so hard and no one notices. I am exhausted, I am not enough. I can't do this. These and more are the thoughts that fill my head on the bad days.

What a bleak picture of motherhood I paint. 

Above all, I ask, why can I not be happy? Where is the joy of the Lord that I firmly and deeply believe in? What lies I must be believing, what blackness I shroud myself in. Where is my freedom in Christ? It seems I find it for a bit but that never lasts. Suddenly and inexplicably I'm lost again, buried under the rocks and yearning for a light at the end of the tunnel.

I want God to rescue me from dishes, sweep me off my feet Disney-princess style, save me from drudgery and housework. But God did not die to free me from sweeping and dusting, cooking and working. He sent his son to die so I may enter into heaven, and commune with him there in the holy of holies. 

Matthew 9 "And getting into a boat he crossed over and came to his own city. And behold, some people brought to him a paralytic, lying on a bed. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Take heart, my son; your sins are forgiven.” And behold, some of the scribes said to themselves, “This man is blaspheming.” But Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, “Why do you think evil in your hearts? For which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Rise and walk’? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins”—he then said to the paralytic—“Rise, pick up your bed and go home.” And he rose and went home. When the crowds saw it, they were afraid, and they glorified God, who had given such authority to men.

What is easier for God to do--to save me from my work and my hardships or to save me from my sin? I stand corrected. I stand in awe.

The Bible says very little about the heroes. And even less about those who are caught between the great names. We all want to be the heroes -- the Ruths, the Davids, a Moses or a Nehemiah. But I know I'm not even one who would be listed in the long rambling genealogy of name after name. I won't even be a jot in the Bible after my death. It will be like I never was. No one will remember me. And that is okay. I'll be in heaven, in the great rest, with Jesus and hopefully my family, doing the Lord's will and bringing glory to him. I'm not a hero. Yet I'm here, on this earth, for a reason. And the best I can hope for is to grasp enlightenment before I die. 

I often struggle to see how washing dishes for the 10th time this week or cleaning up pee or folding laundry day after day brings glory to God. But it must, it must because God made me a mother, he makes life and death and his hands turn the great clock that runs Time and all its dimensions. He hung the stars in the sky for us to see and wonder at, and he made me, this thinking feeling creature who cries bitter tears over her own misgivings and wallows in her own wretchedness and sin. He made me and I am here, and I must not rage against the machine but take my place with his strength and plod the paths he laid for me.

Romans 5 "Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

What truths I have to cling to when I am at the end of my rope. I should turn to the Bible, not give up. 

I am not enough, I never will be. A pampered existence is not what I was made for. I was not crafted by the hands of a loving and omnipresent God for ease and entertainment, but I was made for a work that glorifies God. In motherhood, or out of motherhood, I am made for the glory of God. Not for my own idea of fame or comfort.

If I do not go and purchase oil for my lamp or trim the wick, I will not have a light when the bridegroom comes for me. 

And thus I have to ask myself. Am I living for God, or am I burying my talent in the dirt and living in fear? Am I repeating his promises to myself when days are hard, or am I letting bitterness and sorrow be my pillars? A house built on the sand will not stand, but lo-- a house built on the foundations of stone, on solid Word, that would be a house worth building.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6)" 

"Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you. (Psalm 116:5)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:7)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27)

Now if only this was easier said than done. It is one thing to know it, to read it--and quite another to live it. May I be faithful, may I be wise, may I be meek. 

Facing the Last Nine Years

I realized the other day that for the nine years I have known my husband, 7 of those years I have been in mourning. Mourning, at first, my inability to stay pregnant after two losses. Wondering if I would ever have a baby.

With the birth of Reuben in 2016, I mourned the loss of my independent life and the changes pregnancy and childbirth inflicted upon my body, even while I rejoiced in the arrival of my beautiful son who I had longed for. 

We had Becky in 2018. 2018 is one of the best years of my life. My autoimmune diseases were subdued enough that I was living normally. My husband was helping so much around the house and with the kids. I felt seen and cared for postpartum. I thought maybe I was better. After two kids, maybe I could have more. Maybe my dream for a large family of 5 or 6 children was attainable! Hope blossomed in my heart and my desire for more babies thrilled me. I tried not to think of my years of infertility and miscarriage before I had Reuben.

In November of 2019 I was diagnosed with step throat and took a round of antibiotics, the first round in 6 years. I don't know if this was the trigger or just a side note, but my health has been abominable since. All my autoimmune problems are flaring. I went on to suffer two miscarriages in 2020, one at 8 weeks in January and one at 10 weeks in May, during covid.   

For the rest of May, June, and part of July I had a awful flair up of Epstein-Bar virus or ME/CFS causing me to be bedridden. After taking a round of herbs, I am left with on and off chronic fatigue (but only occasionally, thank God) horrible gut bloating whenever I eat anything, stomach pain, headaches, depression and anxiety. I'm seeing a natural doctor to see if they can help, and would appreciate prayers. 

And again, 2020 has been the year of mourning. Again infertility haunts me. All the fresh pain of losing babies with the waves of those I have already lost is staggering. And, so many are suffering due to covid...the explosion in beirut...war in artsakh...racial issues in America...I could go on, but I won't. During all of this, I have been in deep morning. Mourning the losses of my little ones. Mourning our choice to stop trying to have more babies, because my body can't, I can't go through this again. Mourning ending of my nursing years, as my debilitating chronic illness made it necessary for me to wean.

I always wanted a big family. I have eight children. But only two are with me right now. I have two beautiful blessings to be thankful for. And even though they were not allowed to stay, I am thankful for the six who wait for me in heaven, so thankful for the little time we had together. 

I have a God who loves me and who is good. My trials point me to Jesus and how much I need him in my life. I am his. His will for me is good, even when it doesn't seem that way to me. I have a husband who works hard for me and who loves me, and I am able to home-school. I have a lot of yarn. Yes, I am thankful for yarn. I love knitting and crocheting and the process of making something and sharing it with the world. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for God is with me and his rod and staff will comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

There is more suffering to come, because we are but sojourners on this Earth. God is good and I will trust in him.

I wonder what the next nine years will be like? All I can do is keep going. And rest, and give myself time to grieve and time to mourn and time to pray. 

Homeschooling won't save my kids

No matter how much organic grass fed beef you feed your children, they will still sin.

Homeschooling? Your child is going to sin.

Public school? Sinners.

Eat at the table as a family every night? Sinful children.

No tv in the house? Kid is still going to wallow in sin.

Allow tablets and screen time? Better be ready for some rebellious hearts to surface.

Are you vegan gluten free homesteading off grid with rescue cows? Sin will rear in your child heart.

More and more I realize there is no right way to train up a child. Yes, you want to point your little darling sinner to God and you want to mirror a repentant heart to them. Yes, you want to follow the bible and cling to God's promises. But the little things? I'm beginning to think they are not as as important as I thought.

Take homeschooling, for example. Homeschooling is great. Your children will have a first person viewpoint into the mess you call a family. Every day they will struggle to see you get your shit together, for lack of a better word, as you strive to mother, teach, clean, manage and cook. They will see your broken moments. They will see you stressed out and anxious and upset. Things they wouldn't see if they were in a school system and you, as a mother, were able to have eight hours of uninterrupted peace.

They will also see you fall on your knees before God. They will see a real human deal with real life, and that is hopefully a good thing? Ask me in 15 years.

I pray I'm being a good example to my children. I love homeschooling, but it is a lot of work and there are definitely cons! My children are just as sinful as public schooled children. We need just as much grace. I desperately need space and time away from my family and sometimes I don't get it, so I throw an adult tantrum and eat chocolate.

God is good. 

Homeschooling won't save my kids.

What was the point of this again?

Oh, sinners. I'm starting to realize the real meat of parenting is teaching your children to battle the sin in their own hearts. While striving against your own sin, of course, and maintaining your house, cooking, meeting the emotional needs of your husband and taking pictures of your perfect little toddler's crafts for Instagram so Sally can see what a great mom you are.

Life really has too many plates to keep spinning. And I don't even know how to juggle.

It's a good thing I serve a God who doesn't care about messy floors, burnt chicken, or the 310^th picture of my daughter that I uploaded to Facebook.

All I need to do is trust Christ and live for him, the rest is chaff in the wind. My kids are going to sin. It's inevitable, and instead of thinking "they will never do that" I need to plan and prepare their own hearts for the disappointments and sin that is to come.

Only God can save sinners. 

Trust in him, dear mama.  Not organic chicken or teachings at home or how many hours of daniel tiger you watch a day. Just trust in him.

Free in Jesus

My health has been normal for about a week. No major bloating. No strange brain fog or serious issues thinking or moving. No debilitating tiredness. (My chronic fatigue has been gone for over a month now!)

I'm still in the thankful phase. Because every day feels like a gift. Normal activities that I used to complain about now feel like treasures, because yes, I can cook dinner and I don't have to lay down all day and yes, I can scrub the floors and spend time with the kids. I can go places! In a car!! I can run around outside and jump on the trampoline and swing my kids in the air! Isn't life amazing? I have arms and they work again. YAY. 

I'm still having eye problems, but they are a bit better. I found out by another eye appointment that my astigmatism changed in my right eye. Getting new right eye lenses helps, but words are still blurry? But I can read for longer stretches, and am not having daily headaches. I probably need to update to larger computer where I can increase the text size? My laptop is tiny. Maybe I can afford a new computer next year!

Every day I wake up I have been telling myself that I am free in Jesus.

As I cook breakfast, I am free in Jesus.

As I parent my children, I am free in Jesus. 

On a side note, I really want a big wall hanging that says "Free in Jesus" to stare at every day!!! Something blue and with the ocean in it. Someone make it happen and take my money.

Even as I do the dishes and sweep the floor (for the fifteenth time) I am free in Jesus! And yes, I get to sweep five more times tomorrow! With my arms that WORK. Isn't life WONDERFUL?!

I am free in Jesus. My soul sings it. I am free, and it feels good. God is so amazing and spectacular and I can't wait to worship him forever in heaven and sing his praises with my family. I am his.

You are free too. Serve him, and be free.

We are but dust on the wind.

Sorry to get philosophical. I guess I am having a moment. 2020 has been so awful. Two miscarriages, a global virus, political and racial unrest, the complete ruination of my heath, world-wide suffering and job loss, explosions, pain, and...murder hornets. We had a murder hornet stuck in our house a few weeks ago. It was HUGE. And scary. My sister helped me shoo it out.

But today I cling tightly to God. He is Truth and Light and Peace in all times. And its my duty to serve him in the best of times and the worst of times, and to raise up those he has blessed me with for as long as he wishes.

Onwards and Upwards.

I feel like a good mother when...

I feel like a good mother when my house is clean.

I feel like a good mother when my child eats all his food.

I feel like a good mother when I cook nutritious meals for my family.

I feel like a good mother when my son is in a good mood.

I feel like a good mother when my baby naps.

I feel like a good mother when I get my “to-do” list done.

I feel like a good mother when the laundry basket is empty.

I feel like a good mother when the toys are picked up.

None of these things have anything to do with my motherhood.

I'm a good mother when I speak kindly to my children, and others.

I'm a good mother when I apologize.

I'm a good mother when I battle my own sin.

I'm a good mother when I give myself grace.

Motherhood is not measured by meals made. Motherhood is not measured by obedient children. My floor could be clean, but if my children don't feel safe and are not being taught the word of God, am I really following God's will?

A clean house and a organic meal can fester as idols in my heart.

A spotless floor and non-GMO produce does not make me a good mother. My worth is not found in things. My worth is not found in tasks. If I am prideful, I am not a good mother.

A good mother is humble. A good mother learns from her children as they learn from her.

A good mother bows her head before God and knows she is only a good mother because of Him.

I want to be a good mother.

How to Let Go of Control of your Children (and be okay)

I definitely struggle with micromanaging my children. I don't like it. I don't want to do it. But naturally, as their mother, I think I know what is best for them. And if I am not careful I can get stuck in the rut of constantly correcting their behavior (don't do that, don't touch that, stop fidgeting, put that back, that isn't how you do that, you made a mess again, why can't you listen, why can't you learn).

I feel like a record on repeat sometimes. I hate to hear myself, like a parrot, telling my child what to do and how to do it hour after hour, day after day. I hate to hear myself exasperated, again, that my four year old son can't remember rules that I can't even remember, or that I have just made up. So many "rules" are just things that come naturally to me. Things that might not come naturally to a four year old, inquisitive little boy. Things that I expect him to just "get" and "understand" when what I need to understand is that he is four and confused, and needs a guide, not a angry ultimatum.

I don't want to squash his creativity or put him in a box.

I may know that we don't pour muddy water all over ourselves at the park, but he may not. What may occur to me, might not occur to him and I shouldn't get angry at him for not adhering to my invisible rules. I guess I might be allowed to be angry, but I should not take it out on him.

He may want to color out of the lines. He may want to put stickers on his crayon box instead of in his sticker book. Or on the wall. Or on my cell phone (it still has one on it he put on "for mommy"). Yes, it's a pain to clean up, but is it really worth "laying into him" about? Does he need to hear a lecture about how he ruined my day with stickers?

I remember when Becky broke a glass. She was trying so hard to put it in the sink so mommy could wash it, but she didn't know it would shatter. I almost cried from how precious it was, how proud of herself she was. Her little face lit up as she hefted it over the side. "I put it up for mommy. I big". And it broke. I just couldn't be mad at her. She was so confused, it broke my heart! I think that is how I should see a lot of what my son does. He is trying to do what is right, but he just doesn't know what it is. Or he is trying to do what he wants, and needs to be helped to learn the world doesn't revolve around him. Just like I am still learning that it does not revolve around me and what I want for my kids, or how I "need" them to act.

So many times I get mad at my kids for not understanding what is clear to me, as an adult. I forget they live in a totally different world and that it's okay they don't know all the rules yet. They don't understand they shouldn't yell the word penis in Walmart, or ask people if they have one. (Yup this happened) (And it was okay).

My children are exploring this world and learning every day. I need to give them space to do this. I shouldn't, once again, expect little adults.

I also have been trying to let go of my children and give them to God. The above is part of this. I think I know what is best for them, what they should do and say and how they should act. But, I don't. Only God knows what is best for them, and what plans he has for them.

They are His, anyway.

I am terrified of losing my kids, of having something bad happen to them. But every day I lay down their lives before the Lord. Them, I, and this world... we are only here because he wishes us to draw breath. And we will draw breath until he decides to bring us home. I hope nothing ever happens to my kids, but I must trust God. He is enough, and will always be enough. I will have no other idols before Him, even if that idol be my own child.

Giving up control is hard. And scary. I like to be in control. I like to think I have it all together. But, don't worry. You are worse than you think you are--we are all mired in sin. I am sinful. I am fallen. I have only my savior to thank. My kids are always, have always been in Jesus' hand, and acknowledging that is part of laying down my life for Christ and taking up my cross to follow Him.

Do the good works. Follow your path that God has for you (not the path you want) and die daily to your Old Adam. Trust him with your children. He gave them to you for a reason. Trust him.

complaints and obedience

I spent the first few years of motherhood complaining. It's true, just read my blog posts. While it was hard, and life is still hard in many ways, I am coming to learn that trials of all kinds are the way God refines me by fire.

Today I read this during my devotion time:

"In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications with loud cries and tears to him who was able to save him from death and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered."  Hebrews 4:7-8

I was struck by that. Jesus learned obedience by what he suffered. He didn't complain, moan, or whine. He offered up prayers and supplications with loud cries and tears to God--he didn't rag to his disciples about what trials his father was putting him through, unjustly. And of all the people he is the only one who could have claimed that it was unjust--because it was. He died for our sins.

Suddenly I viewed my complaint filled Facebook post on my moms group about how late my husband works, how my toddler doesn't sleep and the whines I deal with in my son (he's four) in a whole other light. A cheap and sinful light. The text I sent my friend about how "awful my day was" and how "tired I am". All my whines and mom-angst, all piled up before my eyes.

And there is a lot of it. I am...good at complaining and feeling sorry for myself. 

Life is hard. But instead of running to Jesus and offering up my prayers, I have consistently complained, whined, and thrown God's blessings into the mud. Life as a mom of two isn't a cakewalk--but Jesus was called to die on a cross after being beat to death, and he didn't treat his calling the way I treat mine, which right now just involves child-rearing, husband-serving, and cloth diapering.

I mean, I don't know what the future holds for me. Will I be called upon to die of cancer? Taken in a car wreck? Heart attack? I would aim for peacefully in my sleep, but I don't get to choose how I meet my savior. But now I know I want to follow whatever God has in store for me with obedience, the obedience he shows to his own heavenly father.

And, In comparison to "murderous death on a cross," motherhood doesn't sound so rough. I mean, in today's day and age I don't even have to fish for my dinner and cook it over a fire pit like the disciples would have. I have hot water that comes out of a tap, and I don't have to weave my husband a garment or sew him underwear. I get to buy that stuff at a store.

What I am trying to say is I have been convicted. I want to stop complaining. I want to learn a biblical way to deal with trials. Even when Job complained to God, God told him he had no right--and Job ended up apologizing.

We are his vessels to shape, his creations. I can rise above my circumstances and see the Joy God has for me. I can learn obedience through my trials, too.

when your calling isn't your strength

I hear this advice all the time. "Don't know what to do with your life? Look to your interests and your strengths. God gave you gifts and he expects you to use them". I've even been told "you can figure out what God wants you to do by thinking of what you are good at".

I don't know if this advice is biblical or not, but it certainly doesn't apply to my life, or to many of the biblical characters I read about. Moses, for example, was not a eloquent speaker and certainly wasn't gifted in "returning to the scene of where he committed murder and speaking to his adopted brother about freeing all of his slaves". Yet he was called to do so, quiet boldly by the very voice of God out of a burning bush.

So what happens when God calls you to something that isn't a strength? What happens when God has a plan for you life that you are not happy with, and that does not bring you joy or fill you with purpose, and does not use the gifts he gave?

I think God does call us to many things that are not easy and that are not strengths already in our persons. He calls us sometimes to die of cancer. He calls many to be martyred in his name. He has plans and purposes for our lives that break us and drive us to him. And they are not easy, but those things can be our calling and our purpose for him.

God has called me to motherhood. If he had not, he would not have given me children to mother. I love my children, but on the best of days I struggle with feeling inadequate for the task ahead. I already harbor guilt in my heart over past parenting choices--things I wish I would have done different, or guilt from the times I yell at my children. I am exhausted and exist on bad days in a perpetually touched out state. I often struggle with unrealistic expectations, and I long to use my talents in creative endeavors and not feel such a slave to toddlers and hyperactive little boys.

In short, I don't feel at all equipped or called to motherhood. It is a hard grueling climb that forces me to abandon many of the things I love and cling to Christ because he is all I have. Yet I choose motherhood daily because God has called me to it, despite it not being a strength.

My calling right now is to be a mother. To try and be anything else is to abandon God's will for me. Yet it isn't my strength.

Life isn't about ease, it isn't about "Getting what I want" and "using my talents" even if that would bring me the most happiness. Life is about serving God and doing what he wants, and that fact brings me spiritual peace and joy. God is refining me by fire as I do a hard task of trying to follow him while raising strong willed sinners, even with myself still mired in sin. Life is hard, but God is good.

James 1:2-4
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Isaiah 55:8-9  
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Sometimes your calling in life is not your strength or anything to do with what you might want. I would say that often this is the case, specifically with biblical characters. I mean, Job comes to mind-- what kind of person deserves that kind of suffering or would be equipped to deal with it? Only by the power of God did he make it through, by having faith and trusting in God.

I have faith in God and in his plan for my life and I will cling to him and mother onward.

God has given us all we need, the answer to every question

I often read the questions that worried women ask. I used to ask questions too. I've typed them up on Facebook, Twitter and on YouTube. Some of the ones I've seen lately from a mired of women are:

Should I get my tubes tied? Is this biblical? 
Should I homeschool?
Should I vaccinate?
Can I work outside the home?
We can't afford to tithe, are we breaking God's command?
I have tattoos and I love getting them, now that I am saved should I continue?

A lot of the women end their comment with "I'm searching and praying for God to give me an answer so I can tell what I should do". Of course, each post receives 25 different responses with 25 different opinions attached! Should you get your tubes tied? Are you wondering if it is biblical? One woman will say it is wrong to use birth control because you should have as many babies as God wants and let him control your womb, where another will say she's been on birth control for years after her first baby and that using it is totally fine and biblical.

The thing is; there is no scriptural passage baring the use of condoms when having intercourse with your husband or wife. For many of the questions we ask, there isn't a clear cut answer. So what do you do when that is the case? Can you find out what the "right" thing to do by praying and hoping God gives you a sign?

I want to tell everyone that God HAS given us everything we need on this earth to figure out what to do with our lives. We DO have the answers.

God tells us how to live. He tells us our purpose is to glorify him and bring glory to his name, rather in our suffering or our work or our rest. Everything God does, he does for his name! (Psalm 19:1-4, Psalm 23:3, Ezekiel 20:9, Ezekiel 36:22-32, John 8:50, John 12:27-28,John 17:1, Romans 1:5, Romans 11:36, 1 Corinthians 10:31, Colossians 1:15-20)

Ecclesiastes 12:13 “The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” 

When I have a question that I isn't outright spoken of in the bible, I address it in one of two ways. The first way is thinking of God's glory. So, for the use of birth control during sex, I would think: am I wanting to get on birth control for my glory or for Gods? It would totally depend on the person, of course, which is the frustrating thing about querying 700 ladies in a christian ministry group with a heart-felt plea. One person might know that for her, birth control would be selfish, while another would know her energy and life calling lies in a different direction than raising multiple children.

But there is no clear biblical answer about birth control. And that means no one can say "it is this way for EVERYONE". (unless you would like to leave me the verse down below) Anyway, God's word is perfect. You have to start there or you aren't a Christian. God's word holds everything we need for this life. It isn't flawed, God didn't leave out "and thou shall not sheathe thy mates penis in synesthetic casing" by mistake or something.

So why did he leave it out? He left it out because he expected us to all have different roles regarding the use of birth control and our own bodies. He left it out because it wasn't needed.

Do you have a question that fills you with guilt because you don't know what to do? God has an answer for you.

God says "Obey my 10 commandments and Glorify me". Does your question cause you to break one of the 10 commandments? Well, there's your answer. If it does not: ask yourself if you are seeking God's glory, or your own. Ask yourself what your motive is and if it is selfish in nature or part of God's plan for you life. All our actions should glorify God.

That is all you need to know. If you want to hear a sermon on this, I love this one by Paul Washer that really fleshes it out!

strength

this is a video diary of this blog post. enjoy.

goal

This is a video rendition of this blog post. It is about my goals in motherhood, my priorities and perspectives. I hope you enjoy!

Internet Addiction, Part Two

I had to tell my husband today that my internet addiction is stealing all my joy again. It isn't a pleasant thing to talk about. It isn't easy to look the man I married in the eyes and tell him I am struggling with staying off YouTube and Facebook, or that I feel crushing pressure to “keep up” with social media.

I had to tell him that lately, I had been using the internet like a drug. Did I have a bad day? I must need to binge watch YouTube. Are my kids driving me crazy? I can send them to their room and zone out on my phone for half an hour. Since we got the internet back after a five month hiatus I have more and more turned to it to give me a “fix” when I am stressed, tired, or anxious.

The internet has it all. Everything I need. Social interactions that are shallow and take time away from me that I should be spending with my family. My stress level skyrockets on facebook as I read the bickering and fighting over vaccines, and see the negativity that many people post about Trump, feminism and abortion.

Lets not forget the advertisements. Ads punch me in my gut. After seeing a few, I just know my house and closet are inferior and laughingly inadequate. I need that shirt. If I had it, I would be happy. But either I have to charge it to our credit card, or not buy it because $30 shirts are not in our budget.

Pictures let me know I am failing creating happy memories in my own home. Did someone I follow post a video on YouTube? It's a reminder that I am not posting as much as I should—I need to make some videos for my channel.

Now, this is not how I always feel about Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and blogging. This is just how I feel when I am using the internet as a crutch or when I am in a negative place mentally or emotionally. Instead of dealing with whatever I am going through, I internalize it and use the internet to distract me. That is not healthy for me and it has been slowly killing my joy again.

In short, I need life without the internet again. Desperately. My husband agrees. Whatever life stage I am in now, I am not able to use the internet healthily. But my husband still wants internet in our home so that he can work from home occasionally and use it to play some online games.

The plan we came up with and the thing I asked for is for him to change the internet password and just not tell me. I also removed the internet from my phone.

After three days I convinced him to give me the password. I thought—oh, I'll just log out after and not have my computer remember it. I'll just use the internet for the evening. Well, that worked for two nights and the third night I just left it connected. And that was when I realized my addiction goes deeper then even I can understand. I can't tackle this alone.

We reconfigured our idea. I will be taking at least three months off of home internet and will have to go to a coffee shop or other internet-friendly place if I would like access. This is good. This is what I need. Boundaries are good here. Oh, it's going to be rough—but I have done it before and I can do it again and I know it is good for me. I know I will grow and I know my anxiety and depression will lesson considerably after the adjustment period.

So, that is how I am doing. How are you?

purpose

The second blog post I chose to turn into video is this one. Making these is healing for me, in a deep, unfathomable way. I planned out six--and I look forward to the next project. This one is about purpose.

my life is scrubbing floors and I love it

If I could show you how my life has changed since having kids you'd be shocked. I went from being an entitled self-focused oblivious millennial to a hardworking mom of two. 

The first year after my son Reuben was born I fought this transition with everything in me. I had never learned discipline and hard work in my life before. I didn't know the satisfaction and joy that laboring for the Lord would bring to my heart. I wanted my old life back and naively thought that it would eventually return.

When it didn't I went through some dark times. Not only was I mourning my old life, but my body was changed. My relationship with my husband and even my sleep schedule was altered. Everything was different and it was a difficult year that I remember blogging through with tears and prayers and the wrong heart attitude. 

I think my transition would have been easier if I had the right heart attitude. Like I have now, where my eyes are on God and his plan and I realize that raising kids does take sacrifice. But that these sacrifices are made willingly by me because I want to honor God. Before I had kids I didn't really understand or live my life realizing that it belonged to God. I thought my life belonged to me. But having children was the catalyst to sparking total surrender to Christ in my heart. I'm not perfect, I still struggle, of course, but my attitude has made life much more bearable and brought so much joy to my heart.

Motherhood isn't glamorous. At least not the way "the world" and "Hollywood" paint beauty and fashion, or worth. It is also hard work. It takes effort and attention. It takes planning and love. And I think it also takes total surrender to Christ.  It takes sacrifice of my will and my desires to God as I serve my family. This doesn't make me special or anything--it is what God requires of everyone. It is just me doing my job. 

Anyway, I spend a lot of time scrubbing the floor. Sometimes negative thoughts swirl through my head with the suds. I'm meant for more than this. Why do my kids make so many messes that I have to clean up. My life has no meaning. All I do is cook and clean. There must be something more for me. 

But I have come to realize a lot of things about scrubbing the floor. And I have come to be thankful for this daily chore and even to love it. Now while I am scrubbing the floor I am showing my son and daughter how much I love them by caring for them. I am teaching them discipline, because they scrub floors too! Even my 16 month old daughter can help. I am worshiping God by caring for my home and serving my family.

I'm not above scrubbing floors. It's okay that life didn't turn out how I imagined it would. It's good that my livelihood isn't easy because it keeps me close to God and in surrender to him. I now try to have a favorable view of scrubbing floors and chores and child raising--because I don't want the seeds of bitterness and regret to fester in my heart and I don't want to raise my children with a mom who is always unhappy, stressed out, and pining for what she can't have. 

I have everything I need because I am a child of God. Even in the hard times. Specifically as a American! And even if I lost all my worldly possessions, I can't loose my faith and trust in God. He will care for me like the lilies of the fields in Luke. 

And here, in surrender to God, he has shown me the deep joys of motherhood and family service. My place does have meaning, a meaning that fame and fortune and klout could not touch a finger to. The glory and riches of God surpass all other glittering idols. 

So, sometimes my life is scrubbing floors but I love it. Sometimes I don't sleep but to God be the glory. If Corrie Ten Boom's sister Betsie can give thanks for fleas in the middle of concentration camp, I can give thanks for dirty diapers and whiny voices and wet kisses and the same book for the 10th time. I can give thanks for husbands who work late and little boys that don't want to go to bed and saying "please put your shoes on" for the 14th time. God sure has blessed me and I will give thanks, because we are never promised tomorrow. 

 

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Luke 12:27-40 (ESV)

27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. 30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.