Thursday, May 21, 2020

April Mother Culture


a smiling woman in a flower covered long dress sits on a swing with two small children

Are we still doing this? Writing progress posts about my personal goals in the midst of a pandemic and a miscarriage? Yeah, apparently I am. 

I have finished books through March! Yeah! But I feel zero percent like reading. I have not started on anything for April at all, and now it's May. I NEED to read Home Education as we will be starting a Charlotte Mason home school in August and I kind of need to read the book. So, that will be my goal for May: read that book. Some of it. Hopefully. Ignore everything else. Read book.

I have not felt like knitting at all. AT ALL. I finished half of my Happy Mitts (aka one mitt) and...I just could care less about knitting anything. I don't want to crochet anything. I don't really want to paint because I suck at it, and I don't want to read because I am tired all the time and it hurts my eyes. I probably need to go to the eye doctor, but alas, my care-o-meter registers no response to my brains futile wishes for an eye appointment. Maybe I'll do it next week. Knowing them, they are probably closed. Or require me to wear a mask. Meh.

So, what do I want to do? Um, I don't know. I've been playing a lot of animal crossing and eating sourdough bread. I think I want to sew something? But the thought of pulling out my sewing machine exhausts me. Also my husband is working from home in that room, so that isn't going to happen.

Lately, mostly what I want to to do involves sleep. April, the month of sleep. I have actually been sleeping a lot: taking a nap when Becky does every day. It's great. I don't know why I am sleeping so much. Hormones? Aliens? The Covid fifteen? Oh well. It's my new hobby.

Here is a picture of my bread. That I made. Why? I don't know.


All of this to find out I really don't like sourdough. And neither does anyone else in my family. I don't know why I wasted two weeks of my life fermenting flour on my kitchen counter, but no one will eat it. So I am eating it because I am not wasting food. And I didn't spend an hour making bread to throw it into the trash can. (also can we talk about the fact that I made it twice just in case the first time was a fluke? Nope. Still not tasty. Sigh.)

Mostly the indecision (over what to create, knit, read, write) is driving me crazy. I want to do something, I just can't decide on what to do. So I do nothing. A lot.

That's April! I feel like these posts just get worse and worse each one I write. Hahahaa.

Oh, I did start writing a book. It's horrible and I'll probably never finish it, but I did write. Something.

Monday, May 18, 2020

Covid-19 Vlogs (Week 5)

Week five. Week five was when I slowed down, stopped trying to do EVERYTHING. We drastically reduced school, did some easy meals for mama, and tried to reconfigure our expectations. I decided I needed to hang out with people. Starting next week (6) I hung out with two other families who also had been staying home for five weeks to limit our exposure. It was so needed. Not only was I lonely, I had begun to experience some depression. Opening up my circle safely helped boost my spirits!! And looking forward to those planned play dates also helped me clean my house.

This is also the week I began to suspect I was pregnant again, which seriously stressed me out due to my infertility and miscarriage issues. I'm so happy to say my little one is still around! (or was when I scheduled this post)


Thursday, May 14, 2020

Tea Cozy

Was bored of knitting, so whipped up this cute tea cozy! I just made it up as I went along. What do you think? I love it!!!!




What should I make next?

Monday, May 11, 2020

Covid-19 Vlogs (Week 4)


Week Four! Week four was really hard for me, but I don't think it comes across in the vlogs. We still had a great week--it's just the isolation and stress was taking it's toll, as well as me not taking time for resting. I learned my lesson, folks! God comes first.

How are you all?

Sunday, May 10, 2020

well, I miscarried

This isn't a post I wanted to write.

Mother's day was hard. 

Also, I had to go to the ER during a virus outbreak. When I started to miscarry, we dropped the kids off with a neighbor (who they knew) and Brian took me to our local ER. I thought he would be able to come with me. I was counting on it, but because of Covid he wasn't allowed and I had to go in alone. The ER was empty. I'm talking, rows upon rows of empty beds and shut of lights and very reduced staff. I saw one patient waiting when I came in (he had a broken leg) and another elderly lady came in after me. When I left 4 hours later-ish (was it 3? I don't remember) I saw the guy and the elderly lady on their way out too, and only one man going in. It was eerie.

I was masked upon arrival and wore it the whole time, even when I sneezed on myself. I don't recommend sneezing on yourself.

I hate blood work, but I had to do it alone. I lived. But I sure missed my husband, and he missed me. He always holds my hand and tells me I am being a big baby and it helps.  

Anyway, I was eight weeks. But my hCG levels were around 2300 (usually 6 weeks). They couldn't see anything on the ultrasound. 

Miscarriage.

What is wrong with my body? I asked the doctor, but he didn't answer me. Why does this keep happening? Six times now.

It is sad, but I am also okay. And done trying for awhile. I think forever, but I'll say awhile because time changes people. I just wish I knew what was broken inside of me, what is making my body have so many miscarriages. The only blood work that came back "high" or "abnormal" was my bilirubin levels, and I don't know what that means. Doctor said it could be normal for some, but it felt like a red flag to me. He did not seem concerned. 

I'm exhausted. 

I trust God. I do. And I love him, and I know he loves me, but I did really want this baby, even if I was not exactly thrilled about giving birth again. I need a hug and I need friends but since I went to the ER, we need to stay home for at least a week to make sure I didn't pick up covid-19. 

Leave me a comment that cheers me up. I need it.

Friday, May 8, 2020

still no nausea

I have had only one day (and in that day, only two hours) of actual pregnancy nausea. But I did finally take a test today and it turned positive immediately, so I am growing a human. I have had tiny bouts of nausea here and there, always very low on the nausea scale (like, doesn't affect my talking, eating, or speaking, I would rate it a 1/10) but now even that has gone. I thought, well, the nausea will come. It usually comes by week six for me; I am incapacitated with 7 to 8 out of 10 basically ALL DAY. With Becky, I had crippling nausea for 30 weeks. I threw up a lot. It was HORRIBLE. I can't remember what it was with Reuben but it was bad. I was miserable.

However this is week seven-ish since my last period (it was March 16th, maybe??) and I am often forgetting I am pregnant. I am often cooking, cleaning, smelling food and feeling normal. This is bliss. I can do this. I don't have any nausea. AT ALL.


I was even able to go to the park with my husband and everyone rode bikes. This is Reuben's first time doing the bike by himself. He did very well.

I was slightly stressed about my lack of symptoms since it can be a early sign of miscarriage but since I am not bleeding or exhibiting signs of a miscarriage, I am just going with it. I'll head to the doctor at 12 weeks, but for now I am just going to enjoy this amazing blessing from God.

I have no idea what I have done right. Is there a cure for nausea or am I going to find out I have some type of serious complication when I have my first ultrasound? The only thing I have been doing differently is the Nemechek Protocol for about 8 months now, and also I have been eating fermented wheat products. I don't know if either of these can cure pregnancy nausea or its just a super amazing blessing from God, but I am thrilled


Not only am I excited about having a baby, I get to actually enjoy it while having fun with my kids. I get to play dress up with Becky (she dressed herself above) and do puzzles with Reuben without swallowing my own puke and feeling miserable. My pregnancy isn't getting in the way of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, nor is it making me dizzy, sick, or cranky. Sign me up to be impregnated again, please! Alas, I know that is not possible, but really. This is awesome!! I never imagined I would have a pregnancy without nausea. THIS IS AMAZING.

I am very thankful, today, even through I colossally burnt dinner and my husband had cereal instead. Meh.

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Lord Of Chaos

Well, I finished Lord of Chaos. Book six!


When I started book five, I begged my husband to read the books because I desperately wanted someone to talk to about this story.

I just finished book six and he is on book seven now. The man went and passed me and I am not thrilled about it. He has been listening to the audio books, and in the four months it took me to read book five and six, he read 1-6 and is on seven! I am flabbergasted.

So many things happened in this book. So. Many. Things.

But the most frustrating aspect of reading Lord of Chaos is the misinformation! I still don't understand why people don't just talk to each other. Each faction (like the Aes Sedai of the White Tower lead by Elaida) is just running around blindly in the dark in so many areas. Their information is seriously lacking and it causes so many crazy faux pas. For example, the delegation from Salidar, who don't understand Rand at all and start treating him like some evil mastermind, causing him to flee...that sets in motion the whole series of events at the end of the book. Orrr like Perrin and Faile, and her jealousy over nothing. Like, just talk to your husband. Just talk to him. Ugh!

One funny thing about this book is how much I despise Mat. I've said it before and I'll say it again—he is my least favorite character. I hate whiny people who beat around the bush! But, Mat Cauthorn is Brian (my husband's) favorite character. I will begrudgingly say he does have a kind heart. What??! I told hubby that Mat was the most illogical annoying person I'd ever met even if he IS kind, and Brian looked at me with shock because he thought Mat was the one who made the most sense! I can't believe it. I'm flummoxed.

Here is a small summery of Lord of Chaos: Elayne isn't queen yet, no one knows that her mother is alive and MANY people need to know, Egwene was made Amyrlin, Siuan and Leane were healed, but are lesser in power, and Logain was healed also, and escaped. Rand's love triangle is a mess, but the ladies (M, E and A) are behaving very well towards each other. I still don't understand why he has three girls besotted with him since he is a wool headed sheepherder, but it is what it is. I'm a little less team Min after seeing the way she fawns all over him, and more team Aviendha, but Aviendha needs to calm waaaay down. She's so serious and spiky. I guess it's all the toh. Elayne is so... queenly. She needs to wash more dishes and muck out some stables. Bah, none of them are right for Rand. He should just sleep with Berelain.

Nynaeve and Elayne go from running their own lives as pretend Aes Sedai to chastised accepted before you can blink, but they still are grinding their teeth (and tugging on braids) and disobeying orders all the time. Nynaeve still can't channel unless she is mad. But, Egwene makes them Aes Sedai-in-name-only. Most still sidebar treat them as Accepted. It's like a bad hour of What Grinds Your Gears. The girls make it to Ebu Dar to search for the magic bowl of weather-making, but alas, Rand takes up the entire last few chapters so we don't even get to know what happens in Ebu Dar. Annoying Ta'veren, hogging all the action.

Brigette has not found her destined lover (Gaidal) yet.

On to my head cannon.

Why does everyone think Rand killed Morgase???! Why does everyone think he killed Moraine? Why can't people just BELIVE other people? Everyone thinks everyone is playing the game of houses so they are looking for tricks everywhere!! It's so hard to keep up with sometimes. Ugh! What is with Mazrim Taim and his angst with Rand? Rand needs a friend. Why does Lews Therin always want to murder everyone? And now Rand can talk to him. It's crazy.

Mat is the leader of the band of the red hand. He's a great leader if he would just stop grumbling and complaining all the time.

Anyway, I need a break before book seven. By the time I start it, my husband will probably be finished with the series. Perhaps I'll just get him to tell me what happens. Knowing him, he won't.

Monday, May 4, 2020

Covid-19 Vlogs (Week 3)


Week three of the corona virus lockdown! Self-quarantine. This week I was the homeschool queen! We did school every day. I may have over done it (I can laugh about this now but at the time was very stressful). We had a good week, I just forgot to take time to rest. Always take time to rest.

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