Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Lies about Sex I was taught

As a female, there are many lies about sex in the world that we are taught. Here are a few I've been discovering I myself believed.
  • There is a dress code for sex
I learned recently that I've been taught that I must appear, or look a certain way before engaging in sexual activity. I've found myself uttering comments like:
    • Just to warn you, I haven't shaved today...
    • Don't look there! I'm ugly there.
    • Wait, let me go put on something sexy! 

This is simply not true. No matter if I shave or not, my husband still enjoys being intimate with me. When I first began to warn him of my unshaven state, he would laugh and rub my legs to show me he didn't care, but I would still feel bad for "not prepping myself" and for "letting him down". Now, almost two years into our marriage, he has told me point blank to stop apologizing, because there is nothing to apologize for. My husband loves me, and my excessive apologizing was ruining not only his mood, but mine as well as I felt sub-par. Sure, its nice to shave sometimes, and it's nice to put on something sexy, but it isn't a requirement for sex.

I think the media really perpetrates this lie. Most of the sex portrayed in the media is full of lingerie-wearing flawless women and 30-minute sexcapades where they solely focus the camera on the women for the enjoyment of men.

  •  I need to be quiet if I'm just "uncomfortable"
I'm not talking about pain. I'm perfectly able to tell my husband to slow down or stop if something hurts. I'm talking more about things that make me uncomfortable or make me feel scared/anxious. Because of my past, I don't like certain things. But I felt like speaking up to my husband would ruin his enjoyment. I felt for the betterment of our marriage I should just shut up and wait for whatever bothered me to be over. My mental checklist went something like:
    1. Is it painful? Okay, no. Don't talk.
    2. Is it wrong? Okay, its not wrong. Whats the big deal?
    3. It only appears to be inconveniencing to me so I shouldn't say anything.
This is wrong on many levels. Attempting to be discrete, at least in some fashion, I'll say that when I finally did tell my husband that I really didn't like such-and-such, he was baffled, but supportive. He was only doing these things, he said, because he thought I would enjoy them! He was confused as to why I didn't tell him sooner.

I needed to learn voice my concerns. I mean, I'm half of the sexual experience! It's not just about my husband, it's also about me. And he wants to pleasure me as much as I want to pleasure him. I learned to tell him "I like that" and "I don't really like that". I try to say it in a way that lets my husband understand that it's not something he is doing, but that "it" just does not particularly feel good to me.
  • I need to be loud during sex.
Sex is different, and each person reacts to pleasure in different ways. Some people are shy. Some people are bold. I shouldn't feel like I have to sound a certain way in order to let my husband know he is pleasing me.

Can you think of any lies you were taught? 


Deanna Fike said...

hah. i have learned that my husband doesn't care what i look/smell like, what time of the month it is, or what i'm wearing. (i don't even own a single piece of lingerie.) peppy's thoughts boil down to this, "i get to do my wife? game on! what are we waiting for?" i think a lot of women get carried away with the fact they have to be a certain way before and during sex. most men don't care. they are just excited to get laid.

Rachel G said...

I wouldn't say I really knew or was taught anything...And I'm totally comfortable with that. I did get married at 19 so it's not like I was an adult for long before bam--married! And learning by trial and error does work...maybe not immediately but least I didn't really have any false preconceptions ahead of time...

CarmelitaMButler said...

My husband loves me, and my excessive apologizing was ruining not only his mood, but mine as well as I felt sub-par. Sure, its nice to shave sometimes, and it's nice to put on something sexy, but it isn't a requirement for sex.

Carolynn said...

Hehe, I don't know if I was actually taught these things. But I saw myself acting them and realized I was believing some things that where not true. I think it's more like what I saw in media and also in other marriages as I was growing up. No one really taught me anything verbally, but I just thought these things. And now I realized they are wrong!

Carolynn said...

haha you kinda summed my husband up as well :P

Blake G said...

Thank you so much for sharing this! I also find myself apologizing a lot to my boyfriend or feeling just not good enough or pretty enough or girly enough or ...the list goes on and on and on! Because I forgot to shave my legs or because I didn't shower that day or whatever. But in the end, he doesn't care if I smell or look weird or if my hair is greasy or whatever. I definitely need to start loving myself some more and realizing I don't need to apologize for not being like the actress in all those sex scenes that just look perfect.

Carolynn said...

thank you for your comment! Yes, I feel the same way!

Belle Vierge said...

I finally wore a really cute satin nightgown during my birthday weekend that I've owned for over a year. Basically I just never got around to wearing it as a sexy surprise because Beau doesn't care. He's also cool with my version of sexy underwear--lots of satin and lace, but nothing skimpy or uncomfortable--and he doesn't care if it's time to do laundry, and I'm wearing old cotton panties. I'm also really glad we engaged in other sexual activities prior to marriage because I needed that time to learn how to speak up for myself. I had internalized the same messages that you did, that sex is about a man's pleasure, even though I logically knew from all my feminist studies that it's supposed to be mutual. I had just read too many things about what not to say during sex or how to critique your partner without hurting his feelings, and all that stuff really just told me to keep quiet if something was uncomfortable. Luckily I got over that before we were married, because there is a LOT more necessary communication and physical adjustments for coitus. ;)

Robin said...

I also used to be insecure about not having shaved/prepped. And I believed, due to movies/books/TV, that everyone has a mind-blowing orgasm every time. I thought something was wrong with me. But did you know that a large portion of the female population simply can't have orgasms in their vaginas (only from the clitoris)?