Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Lies about Sex I was taught

As a female, there are many lies about sex in the world that we are taught. Here are a few I've been discovering I myself believed.
  • There is a dress code for sex
I learned recently that I've been taught that I must appear, or look a certain way before engaging in sexual activity. I've found myself uttering comments like:
    • Just to warn you, I haven't shaved today...
    • Don't look there! I'm ugly there.
    • Wait, let me go put on something sexy! 

This is simply not true. No matter if I shave or not, my husband still enjoys being intimate with me. When I first began to warn him of my unshaven state, he would laugh and rub my legs to show me he didn't care, but I would still feel bad for "not prepping myself" and for "letting him down". Now, almost two years into our marriage, he has told me point blank to stop apologizing, because there is nothing to apologize for. My husband loves me, and my excessive apologizing was ruining not only his mood, but mine as well as I felt sub-par. Sure, its nice to shave sometimes, and it's nice to put on something sexy, but it isn't a requirement for sex.

I think the media really perpetrates this lie. Most of the sex portrayed in the media is full of lingerie-wearing flawless women and 30-minute sexcapades where they solely focus the camera on the women for the enjoyment of men.

  •  I need to be quiet if I'm just "uncomfortable"
I'm not talking about pain. I'm perfectly able to tell my husband to slow down or stop if something hurts. I'm talking more about things that make me uncomfortable or make me feel scared/anxious. Because of my past, I don't like certain things. But I felt like speaking up to my husband would ruin his enjoyment. I felt for the betterment of our marriage I should just shut up and wait for whatever bothered me to be over. My mental checklist went something like:
    1. Is it painful? Okay, no. Don't talk.
    2. Is it wrong? Okay, its not wrong. Whats the big deal?
    3. It only appears to be inconveniencing to me so I shouldn't say anything.
This is wrong on many levels. Attempting to be discrete, at least in some fashion, I'll say that when I finally did tell my husband that I really didn't like such-and-such, he was baffled, but supportive. He was only doing these things, he said, because he thought I would enjoy them! He was confused as to why I didn't tell him sooner.

I needed to learn voice my concerns. I mean, I'm half of the sexual experience! It's not just about my husband, it's also about me. And he wants to pleasure me as much as I want to pleasure him. I learned to tell him "I like that" and "I don't really like that". I try to say it in a way that lets my husband understand that it's not something he is doing, but that "it" just does not particularly feel good to me.
  • I need to be loud during sex.
Sex is different, and each person reacts to pleasure in different ways. Some people are shy. Some people are bold. I shouldn't feel like I have to sound a certain way in order to let my husband know he is pleasing me.

Can you think of any lies you were taught? 

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