Friday, June 27, 2014

One day when I was 16...

I don't quite know what to call this blog post. The time I was expelled from school? Things I regret? A story of unfairness and bullying?

Whatever the name, I'm going to write about something that happened to me in high school.

Something I still feel rather odd about. I'm not sure how to feel. Or what to do about this particular event now that I can analyze it with adult eyes and adult knowledge.

When I was 16 years old I was expelled from school for telling two of my peers that I wanted to kill them.

me at 17 the summer before my senior year
You may be shocked over this fact.  I, too, am shocked at myself still. I wish I had dealt with my feelings of anger and pain in a different manner.

You see, for the past three years of me attending a christian school (since 8th grade) these two girls in my class (we will call them A and W) had relentlessly picked on me.

They had called me ugly. Fat. Stupid. Dumb. Told me to go die. That they wished I would die.

I hated it. I just wanted them to stop picking on me. I felt horrible about myself and although I liked school and I had friends--I would have a panic attack whenever I saw or thought of those two girls.

I don't know why they didn't like me, and I guess I'll never know. It doesn't matter anymore.

I developed really horrible self-esteem and shyness. I didn't develop a bad self-image (I had really positive reinforcement of self-image at home) but I think under different circumstances I would have.

So one day in the middle of English class when one of these girls told me my hair looked like a rats nest, I lost it. I told them I was going to kill them. And of course they promptly reported me and I was kicked out of school for a month while I was "evaluated" to see if I was going to one day "snap". Meanwhile these two girl's parents said terrible things about how I was quiet and read books all the time just like the guy who had recently shot up a school. They said I should be expelled forever and they threatened to criminally charge me.

All I said was that one thing. I've spent my life regretting it as well. That wasn't the way I should have handled it, but I didn't know what else to do. These girls were very popular. I didn't know how to talk to an adult about this or how to get the girls to stop. Obviously, I meant them no harm and after finally telling my side of the story (backed up by my friends, who told me they were called in and questioned) I was allowed back into school and finished up my time there.

taking senior pictures with friends!
I avoided A and W when I finally came back to school. To my utter relief, they avoided me as well.

Almost 10 years later I still see them around town and it's kinda awkward. I can tell A has changed. She's said hello to me a few times I've seen her out. W leaves the area whenever I see her. It does not bother me, I just don't understand it.

I want to tell them I'm sorry. I want to know if they know how much they hurt me. After all of this I try to tell myself it does not matter. And it doesn't. We were all kids. We were all hurting. And we all make mistakes.


Shana said...

I can't imagine how difficult this was to share! I too dealt with bullying but was blessed to have teachers step in and put an end to the problem fairly quickly. I was subjected to being called names and rumors of me being a lesbian. Today as an adult this would not bother me but the idea that my identity was being attacked was horrible! Thank you for being honest and sharing a very serious event and your thoughts!!!

Charity Blaine said...

I'm so sorry you went through this! And honestly, I don't think you should regret it at all. You were young and hurting, and although it got you expelled, it certainly doesn't make you a bad person. As to the girls, I had a few of them in my life too... but I was lucky it was only one year and then we all got separated in High School. Don't let the decisions you made then, haunt you now. You're wonderful and you know you made a mistake. You've done your penance. Forgive yourself, and as tough as it is, try to just not think about them. Just know that you're a strong beautiful woman, and they may avoid you now because they realize how horrible they were, and they don't want to face it. (Or they're still just crummy people, in which case, GOOD RIDDANCE!) As hard as it is, and as much as you may want to confront them, it won't help in the end. They were young and you were young, and honestly, people are stupid a lot of the time. Thanks for sharing your story!

Carolynn said...

thank you, I've never thought about it in this way before :) and your right, talking to them probably wouldn't help either of us! Thanks for reminding me of these things, it helped a lot!

Angela said...

This is heartbreaking. It’s so incredibly difficult being in high school – like you said everyone is confused and surviving. It’s terrible that some teens release their frustrations by purposely hurting others. I just want to say – don’t judge yourself and punish yourself from your pass, you don’t live there anymore, you’ve learned from that younger girl and gained so much wisdom. I just pray those girls have done the same, for their sake. Have I mentioned I love your blog and Instagram! You’re truly a gem <3.

Angela said...


Jana @ One Design a Day said...

Another girl and I picked on someone in junior high-we were really mean-I was glad to find her on Facebook and apologize. I still don't know why we did it.

Michelle said...

Wow!!! You told me part of this story, but I had no idea it was this crazy. Don't feel bad about it. Girls in high school are AWFUL. We all did and said things we shouldn't have back then. But I still can't believe such drastic measures were taken against you when they were so much worse!