Friday, June 27, 2014

One day when I was 16...

I don't quite know what to call this blog post. The time I was expelled from school? Things I regret? A story of unfairness and bullying?

Whatever the name, I'm going to write about something that happened to me in high school.

Something I still feel rather odd about. I'm not sure how to feel. Or what to do about this particular event now that I can analyze it with adult eyes and adult knowledge.

When I was 16 years old I was expelled from school for telling two of my peers that I wanted to kill them.

me at 17 the summer before my senior year
You may be shocked over this fact.  I, too, am shocked at myself still. I wish I had dealt with my feelings of anger and pain in a different manner.

You see, for the past three years of me attending a christian school (since 8th grade) these two girls in my class (we will call them A and W) had relentlessly picked on me.

They had called me ugly. Fat. Stupid. Dumb. Told me to go die. That they wished I would die.

I hated it. I just wanted them to stop picking on me. I felt horrible about myself and although I liked school and I had friends--I would have a panic attack whenever I saw or thought of those two girls.

I don't know why they didn't like me, and I guess I'll never know. It doesn't matter anymore.

I developed really horrible self-esteem and shyness. I didn't develop a bad self-image (I had really positive reinforcement of self-image at home) but I think under different circumstances I would have.

So one day in the middle of English class when one of these girls told me my hair looked like a rats nest, I lost it. I told them I was going to kill them. And of course they promptly reported me and I was kicked out of school for a month while I was "evaluated" to see if I was going to one day "snap". Meanwhile these two girl's parents said terrible things about how I was quiet and read books all the time just like the guy who had recently shot up a school. They said I should be expelled forever and they threatened to criminally charge me.

All I said was that one thing. I've spent my life regretting it as well. That wasn't the way I should have handled it, but I didn't know what else to do. These girls were very popular. I didn't know how to talk to an adult about this or how to get the girls to stop. Obviously, I meant them no harm and after finally telling my side of the story (backed up by my friends, who told me they were called in and questioned) I was allowed back into school and finished up my time there.

taking senior pictures with friends!
I avoided A and W when I finally came back to school. To my utter relief, they avoided me as well.

Almost 10 years later I still see them around town and it's kinda awkward. I can tell A has changed. She's said hello to me a few times I've seen her out. W leaves the area whenever I see her. It does not bother me, I just don't understand it.

I want to tell them I'm sorry. I want to know if they know how much they hurt me. After all of this I try to tell myself it does not matter. And it doesn't. We were all kids. We were all hurting. And we all make mistakes.

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