Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Warnings about Love Languages

So when Brian and I got engaged we were instantly told by EVERYONE to read the book "The 5 Love Languages." So we did. I mean, I've heard about the book and the test before, but to be honest I was a little wary because of all the hype.


In the weeks leading up to our nuptials, Brian and I both took the test and read the book. I did enjoy it, and it did make me think a whole lot about my partner and his needs vs. mine.

My primary love language was Physical Touch. Right behind touch was Words of Affirmation, then Quality time and then Gifts. I actually had no points scored in Acts of Service at all. Using our scores, Brian and I talked. At the time I actually felt bad when he did acts of service for me, because I myself enjoyed doing those and kind of thought of "acts of service" as my job, as my way to show love to him.


Fast-forward a year into our marriage. 

My love language is completely different now. It's actually totally opposite to what it was when we were dating.  I didn't know this could happen! My primary love language now is Acts of Service, and the lowest score is now Physical Touch! From first to last my languages now read like this: Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, Words, and then Touch. A complete and utter 180.

I guess it's because my husband touches me too much. (joke....) Actually, I kind feel more loved when he doesn't touch me now. Because usually I'm trying to sleep and he is trying to snuggle with me and it wakes me up and makes me grumpy and gives me a headache. (I naturally need more sleep then Brian and being woken up early gives me headaches. Yay.)

Now, don't take this to mean I don't enjoy snuggling with my husband, because I do--but to me cuddle time is a normal activity and does not elicit the same special feelings of amour as it did when we were just dating. And attempting to cuddle with someone when said someone is sleeping is not on my list of fun things to do. I don't think it was ever on that list. Or ever will be. (I still love you...)


My husband's love languages, however, have not changed. His love languages are: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words, Gifts.

Another thing I noticed about myself and this book is that I use different love languages on others then the ones I wish to receive. Usually the love language you want to receive is the one you give the most. Before I got married I used Acts of Service the most to show love. (You may think, well then acts of service was probably your love language all along! Well, you are wrong. Because when we were dating if Brain did the dishes or laundry or some other service-type thing, I would apologize to him and actually feel guilty.)

Now that we are married, I use Words of Affirmation with my husband to show love the most. I'm always telling my husband how sexy he is or how amazing or how much I appreciate him, and when I do this I feel like I am telling him I love him. I constantly have to remind myself that my husband feels most loved when I stop what I'm doing and just snuggle with him, combining Quality Time with Physical Touch. Words are nice, he says, but actions are much better.


It's amazing how I can get my husband to relax or calm down just by drawing near to him. He loves being close to me. And I love being close to him, but I still sometimes forget about using a hug or a caress as love!

With my friends I use Gifts to show love. I always want to give things away or buy them dinner or lunch or a trinket. Gifts is the primary love language I use with friends to show them I care. Gifts does not work on my husband at all (as I learned early in our marriage) mostly because he knows I used money he worked for to buy it. It's like, he says, buying himself a gift by proxy.

According to the book, the language I should use the most with everyone would be Acts of Service, since it is the love language I most want to receive. But that isn't true. The only person I really do acts of service for is my husband, and I no longer see that as a way to communicate love, it's mostly just a chore that needs to be done and because of how we've structured our lives, and it's my job to do it.

I don't know...does anyone else have separate love languages like this? I want one thing but speak another. Odd. My husband wants physical touch and that is also the method he chooses to communicate love with as well. Even when it annoys me :P

So, beware. Your love language can change, and you can also unconsciously use a different language then you primarily desire. And don't take the book as exact science. It's interesting, and it makes you think--but like all advice, it needs to be filtered through the individual experience of your particular marriage.

Don't stress over it.

What about you? Did you read this book and what did you think about it?

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