Saturday, May 10, 2014

I was not a virgin on my wedding night

Hi, my name is Carolynn, and I wasn't a virgin on my wedding night.

And I'm tired of feeling ashamed of myself.

I'm tired of thinking my marriage is somehow less or different then couples who waited for marriage.

I'm not going to live in shame any longer.

So, yes, I had sex before I met my husband. I had sex before I was married.

And, regardless of what you may hear from mainstream Christian media, the consensual sexual encounters I experienced with other men were not terrible. They were, in fact, rather nice. I did it more then once. And I usually did so guilt free and with wild abandon.

I will say, that now, yes, I do wish I had waited for my husband--but wishing I had done things a bit differently now that I'm older is a far cry from living in humiliation and disgrace. It's a far cry from being told, all my life, that once I have sex I am somehow broken or imperfect.

You know what--I did have sex before my wedding night. And while I do think the bible tells me to wait, I don't think I'm somehow totally beyond repair.

Regardless of my previous sexual experiences, I still have an amazing relationship with my husband. We have amazing sex. I feel perfectly able to connect with him, and I know that no part of me belongs to any other person besides him.

My husband has never made me feel guilty for anything I've done in my past.

He accepts me and loves me with all his heart.

I am not broken, because God has covered my sins.

I will not live in shame because God has set me free.

For a long time I lived in fear of my husband finding out I wasn't "pure" before our marriage. In a previous relationship, I dated a guy who would consistently bring up the fact that I'd had other sexual encounters in my life. His words and disdain towards my past always made me feel not good enough. Frequently in our relationship, I felt that he was looking down on me, that I was somehow unequal to him because of my sexual past. When I met my husband, I lived in fear of him finding out, afraid that I would hear the same scorn in his voice. I knew deep down I didn't deserve my husband, because he was a virgin and I wasn't.

But my husband has never made me feel shame about my past. He loves me, and besides the open, honest conversations we have--he never mentions it. It's made me realize how much wrong I suffered in other relationships. And contrary to popular belief, I do deserve love regardless if I've had sex outside of marriage or not!

I can't change the past. But I can change how I live now.

Today I'm going to hold my head up high and enjoy the love I have, without thinking I don't deserve it or wondering when my husband is going to leave me for a better, more virginal women.

I'm going to forget about my guilt, because it isn't necessary.

I am not broken.
I am whole.
I am pure.

And I wasn't a virgin on my wedding night.

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