Saturday, May 10, 2014

I was not a virgin on my wedding night

Hi, my name is Carolynn, and I wasn't a virgin on my wedding night.

And I'm tired of feeling ashamed of myself.

I'm tired of thinking my marriage is somehow less or different then couples who waited for marriage.

I'm not going to live in shame any longer.

So, yes, I had sex before I met my husband. I had sex before I was married.

And, regardless of what you may hear from mainstream Christian media, the consensual sexual encounters I experienced with other men were not terrible. They were, in fact, rather nice. I did it more then once. And I usually did so guilt free and with wild abandon.

I will say, that now, yes, I do wish I had waited for my husband--but wishing I had done things a bit differently now that I'm older is a far cry from living in humiliation and disgrace. It's a far cry from being told, all my life, that once I have sex I am somehow broken or imperfect.

You know what--I did have sex before my wedding night. And while I do think the bible tells me to wait, I don't think I'm somehow totally beyond repair.

Regardless of my previous sexual experiences, I still have an amazing relationship with my husband. We have amazing sex. I feel perfectly able to connect with him, and I know that no part of me belongs to any other person besides him.

My husband has never made me feel guilty for anything I've done in my past.

He accepts me and loves me with all his heart.

I am not broken, because God has covered my sins.

I will not live in shame because God has set me free.

For a long time I lived in fear of my husband finding out I wasn't "pure" before our marriage. In a previous relationship, I dated a guy who would consistently bring up the fact that I'd had other sexual encounters in my life. His words and disdain towards my past always made me feel not good enough. Frequently in our relationship, I felt that he was looking down on me, that I was somehow unequal to him because of my sexual past. When I met my husband, I lived in fear of him finding out, afraid that I would hear the same scorn in his voice. I knew deep down I didn't deserve my husband, because he was a virgin and I wasn't.

But my husband has never made me feel shame about my past. He loves me, and besides the open, honest conversations we have--he never mentions it. It's made me realize how much wrong I suffered in other relationships. And contrary to popular belief, I do deserve love regardless if I've had sex outside of marriage or not!

I can't change the past. But I can change how I live now.

Today I'm going to hold my head up high and enjoy the love I have, without thinking I don't deserve it or wondering when my husband is going to leave me for a better, more virginal women.

I'm going to forget about my guilt, because it isn't necessary.

I am not broken.
I am whole.
I am pure.

And I wasn't a virgin on my wedding night.


Michelle said...

I think this is SO important. I grew up in the kind of setting that basically taught you are "less than" if you even hold hands with a man before marriage. I think they were trying to terrify us into believing that if we didn't wait, our future marriage would be a disaster and our future spouse would never forgive us. Yes, the Bible teaches that sexual impurity is sinful, but it also teaches that God is a redeeming, forgiving, and loving God to those who repent, and that we never have to carry guilt and shame with us.

AliciaLStacey said...

Yes, the Bible teaches that sexual impurity is sinful, but it also teaches that God is a redeeming, forgiving, and loving God to those who repent, and that we never have to carry guilt and shame with us.

Rachel G said...

I think you read the article I wrote a while back about being on the other side of this. I think what too many teachers forget in their quest to convince teens to "remain pure" is the fact that all sin separates us from God and He also forgives all sin when we confess and repent. I'll not lie, for a long time, because of the rhetoric of youth pastors and such I really struggled with the question of "Why wasn't I worth waiting for?" But I've since come to learn--it's actually not about me at all, it has nothing to do with whether I'm "worth it" or not--that's a selfish and unhelpful way of looking at things.

Carolynn said...

Yes, I did read that and it was very well written! When I think about it, the reason I wasn't a virgin is because my heart was not in submission to God or his will in my life. I was also believing lies about the world (it does not matter, it feels good, we'll get married eventually, I already did it once so I'm already blemished...)

Looking back with hindsight bias now gives me a whole other perspective! My husband definitly is worth everything and anything in the world! :P

Carolynn said...

why the amazon link?

Carolynn said...

YES! I hate how sex is used to sell everything now from hamburgers to play-stations. It's annoying and SO OVERDONE.

Cody Doll said...

Finally! Someone else who agrees. I was letured for 3 hours on how sex is bad before marriage and I was a virgin. People made me feel dirty and I hadn't done anything, which lead me to do stuff. And you know what? I won't change it. It's who I am now. I know to wait but not forever. I also know that one sin is the same as the others so it can't be as bad as the people make it out to be.

Cody Doll said...

Every true about this. However, I was OVER preached to about it. I was a virgin and was going to wait but everyone was already assuming that I was thinking about or doing it. Eventually because of them, I did. So it's a fine line of preaching correctly and then just pushing.

Carolynn said...

oh I totally relate! I remember in high school my youth pastor would preach SAFE SEX and lecture us all the time. My small group leader would give us condoms and I would tell her I wouldn't need them and she would be like TAKE SOME I KNOW YOU ARE HAVING SEX and she never believed me. In high-school I hadn't even been kissed yet! I remember being really annoyed that everyone automatically assumed I was having sex and wouldn't listen to me.

Robin said...

I did lose my virginity to my husband, but during our engagement instead of on our wedding night. The dramatic build-up of our wedding day + virginity loss on the same night was too much for me. I asked if we could have sex (he is 14 years older than me and wasn't a virgin), and he understood why. But I don't judge women who have been with more than one man. I think it is more important for your husband to have married a non-virgin with a compatible personality, rather than a virgin who might have been totally wrong for him.