Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Depression and Miscarriage

I want to be completely and totally honest with you.

I never suffered from depression. Well, for my first 25 years.

I say this only because recently I've become more aware of just how prevalent depression is. I read a few blog posts about it from my favorite bloggers, many who I would never have thought would be dealing with something like that--but who actually battle depression on a regular basis.

Please forgive me, but I used to think depression was basically a nothing disease. What I mean by that is that I equated "depression" with "sadness". Or rather, with "choosing to be sad". I've been sad before. I don't stay sad long; I'm a really cheerful person and I know how to cheer myself up when I've feeling down. I go out with a friend, read a good book, snuggle with my husband...all three of these things lift my spirits, and dissipate my sadness.

But sadness is not depression. They are not the same, through I know when you are depressed you can be sad. I'm done thinking this way, although I think it is a common misconception.

I learned the difference between sadness and depression when I suffered my first miscarriage with my husband. About two months after that happened, my hormone levels plummeted and I became severely depressed.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I would wake up and not want to get out of bed. The littlest thing would make me cry. I would cry and cry for hours and not know how to stop. I couldn't cheer myself up. I was just sad--even through I knew in my head that I didn't have any reasons to be so down (I mean, I am financially stable, have food, clothes, am married to an amazing man, have a awesome family and friends...) There was just no reason to cry so much! My feelings didn't make any sense to me. I couldn't cook, and I didn't even want to to get dressed in the morning. I went from silent and moody to bawling and back again 6 times an hour.

During this time I bought lots of things on the internet, because it would make me feel better for a few moments. I also lost myself in books, reading one or two a day, because it would make me forget who I was and be someone else. I wasn't reading for enjoyment or to cheer myself up--I was reading in pure desperation, to get so lost in something so my own sorrow couldn't touch me. When I finished a book I would cry and feel so listless because that world was done, and I couldn't get lost in it anymore, I had to come back and be me.

This lasted two weeks until one day I just woke up and it was like--like I could see again. I explained to my husband in this way: the world suddenly had color. I suddenly noticed it was there. It was still the same world, but before I couldn't see it at all.

I know two weeks isn't very long to suffer from depression, but to me it felt like forever. I was literally a different person.

It was really shocking to wake up like that. When my depression ebbed, I was still sad---but instead of controlling and overwhelming my entire person, my melancholy was now just a tiny part of my heart. Like thinning fog. Like waking up from a bad dream. I was still sad, but I could move. I could feel the tears, but now I could hold them back--when before I couldn't no matter how hard I tried.

I don't quite know how to explain it.

When my second miscarriage happened, I was really worried about becoming depressed again. I didn't want to put myself, or my husband through it.

But miscarriage effects your hormones. I knew it was going to happen. I prepared for it.

But, this time the depression is different. I don't know if any of you have ever been depressed in such a way where you felt detached from reality? Like, your on the phone with a friend, hearing her talk, hearing yourself respond, but feeling nothing? And feeling like you are watching yourself. I catch myself wondering if people can see that I'm faking emotions, faking being there? Because I don't feel like I'm here.

I just feel like a big lump right now. I'm not depressed in the way where I'm crying all the time. But I am depressed. I feel like my friends who hang out with me are just doing me a favor because they feel sorry for me (I know, in my head this isn't true. But my emotions are telling me this). I feel, many times, when others around me are connecting and speaking to each other--extremely detached and bewildered/ unsure how to respond. I don't know how to speak human.

It's was really annoying, but like the last time, my hormones straightened themselves out and, for lack of a better term, I'm back in my own body now.

If you've had a miscarriage--realize you are not alone.  And also know that losing a pregnancy can seriously affect your hormone levels. Depression is not uncommon after a miscarriage. Be aware! And get help. Because you will need it. I did, and I'm not ashamed of that in the least.


Charlotte Paris Wood said...

I am sorry you have gone through this. My pastor had a great message about his struggle with depression. http://newspring.cc/watch/overwhelmed/win-the-battle-with-depression

Emorie Kidder said...

I am so heartbroken to read you are going through all of this. You are brave and beautiful and strong. I know that talking may not be something you always want to do when you are feeling so low, but please know I am here to listen if you need it. I can give you my number if you'd like and send you silly texts :)

PopChampagne said...

I'm sending positive vibes to your direction. Depression really sucks, regardless to whether it's a week or a year. Depression isn't glamorous or help with creativity like some people say. I was really depressed for a few months back in 2013 and I wouldn't wish that on others. I hope you will find what you need to get through everything and best of luck!!

Sybil @ Peace it all Together said...

Looking back, I'm almost certain that I suffered from post-partum depression after my son was born. I was never diagnosed, but I felt it. There was that disconnect and things just didn't make sense! Your honesty and genuiness will reach many. Blessings!

Carolynn said...

thank you! your comment meant a lot to me!

Carolynn said...

thank you :) I am getting plenty of rest and trying to surround myself with bright colors, as well as center myself. Hug!

Carolynn said...

thank you for your words :) they felt like a warm hug! haha., I would love to silly text you as well, I'm going to e-mail you :)

Shana said...

Depression is very real! I am praying for you! I battled with PPD after both my pregnancies but didn't recognize it after Lil Mister because it was nothing like I'd read about or expected. It ebbed away but after LJ was born hit me like a ton of bricks. There is nothing "wrong" with being depressed though. You aren't wrong for it. It is actually natural. It is your bodies response to coping when you don't know how. You can get lots of help from doctors but even more from friends and God. You must learn your triggers (things that tend to set you up for a worse day than others) and figure out how to avoid or handle them! Again, I'm praying for you! You'll come out stronger in the end!

Tori Bragg said...

Depression is awful. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with it, and I will definitely be praying for you!

Susannah said...

I'm so sorry you went through miscarriages! That's so hard!!! I struggles with depression on a regular basis and I don't wish that on anyone!

Deanna Fike said...

i also used to believe you could pull yourself out of depression. i always thought it was a mind over matter issue. and then last year around this time i got so depressed. i felt like i was trapped in a big hole and couldn't scratch my way out. it was terrible. i didn't even know why i was depressed. i think you actually have to experience depression before you 'get' it. it sucks. and if those around you don't understand, they get frustrated that you can't just pull yourself out of your slump. i'll be keeping you in my prayers, friend. i hope you are feeling like yourself soon!

Jessica Glean said...

Hello dear,I would like to share some words.Regardless of what you're feeling — and given your situation,your feelings may be everywhere throughout the emotional map —issue yourself time.Accept that you might dependably have a place in your heart for the pregnancy that you lost, and you may feel sad or down on the anniversary of the due date of your lost baby or on the anniversary of the miscarriage,even years after the fact.On the off chance that you discover it helps,plan on doing something special at that time —in any event for the first year or thereabouts —that will be cheering yet permits you to remember: planting some new blossoms or a tree,having a quiet picnic in the recreation center,offering a commemorative dinner to your.Be happy.