Friday, February 3, 2023

Week 25

These past few weeks have been...what I would call a mental health roller coster! Pregnancy hormones and just a lot of adjusting. A lot of crying. 

I have come to realize that I am struggling with a lot of unhappiness over my pregnancy and all the life changes that are coming back to back, like a contraction that just never ends. I feel lonely; my husband is working long hours and I still have trouble going out with so much to do at home. After coming out of those long weeks of survival with morning sickness I feel ugly, washed up, behind, my house is a mess. I feel stuck. Not to mention extremely pregnant! 

As my due date looms closer I am wrestling with fear over labor. I will have to go through this alone. Yes, my husband will be there and I will have a doula, but the pain will be mine alone and the pushing the baby out of my uterus will be preformed Not to mention there are so many complications that can arise during labor and delivery and I am trying not to panic about each one. God will be with me, I have plans for managing the pain as best I can but more and more I come to realize that I really didn't want to do this again. I honestly didn't think I would ever have another baby after six miscarriages! I also really wanted a home-birth. I don't want to be a car while in labor, I don't want to go to a hospital, I don't want to have to try and navigate masks and covid in a hospital setting and all the requirements that come with birthing with Big Pharma. However my husband is not comfortable with a home birth and after 10 weeks of arguing and crying and begging I decided on a hospital birth and I thought that was the end of this dilemma. But now I am struggling with anger towards my husband for not letting me birth where I want. While he may be relaxed and happy with this turn of events, I need to acknowledge and somehow deal with the fact that I am not. And I don't know how to talk to him about it. 

Another thing we have been dealing with is all the inflation and finances and costs of having a baby. I am a minimalist so the cost should be low but we still need diapers, wipes, and many other necessities and inflation is making it no fun. Inflation makes grocery shopping and meal planning no fun! I am going to wait until after my baby shower to buy all the little things... there are so many cute little baby girl things I can't wait for her to wear. I am so thankful I have so many nice friends who, now out of the baby stage, have gifted me many necessities. 

I am in love with this baby. I am not in love with my body, the fatigue, the stress, or the fear surrounding this pregnancy. I am not in love with another hospital birth. I am not looking forward to sleepless nights, sore nipples, pain after labor, bleeding, hemorrhoids, and my postpartum body.

Maybe this baby will sleep.

With the added burden of growing a human I have also not been handling daily life well. I have been sleeping in--which I finally decided to stop feeling bad over and I switched my morning routine around to a night routine and it is working well. Maybe one day I will wake up before 8am again. We started putting the kids to bed later and now they don't wake up before us which is really nice. See, there are adjustments that can be made, but change is still hard! 

Though it all God has been my constant companion. Reuben's verse that he is memorizing right now in school is my pregnancy verse. I want it on the wall when I give birth. 

Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go. This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:7
I think and pray this verse at least once a day. I want to be strong and courageous instead of fearful and afraid. 

Another thing I have been meditating on is the prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi. I also want this on the wall when I give birth.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, the truth;
Where there is doubt, the faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

Even in the midst of hard things, God is there. And I can have peace. His will will be done and I can trust in him.

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