Sunday, August 9, 2015

Who am I now?

I feel that I've lost myself. That somewhere between the hospital and home I shed my solitude and found myself suddenly a mother. And I am still trying to figure out what that is exactly.

So far I know--

being a mother is:

living in a constant state of flux and change

being at the demand of a tiny human who does not care that I have not showered lately, and who can't understand that I might, perhaps, need a water break now and then.

needing my husband x100

living on a couch for most of the day. and most of the night.

being cut off from a lot of my independence, at least for now

being stuck at home-- I know this is just a season, but still. I am not used to being a homebody.

sleepy. I am so sleepy.

Missing my husband--I miss him so much. We can't just drop everything and go out to dinner. It's more like my husband opens the fridge and stares at me in horror because he realizes I'm holding a tiny human and once again he will probably have to cook. I've eaten too much burgar king.

(I'm going to start cooking this week)

I miss making videos. I miss knitting! I miss being able to have peace and quiet while I fold my laundry all in one sitting without having to stop to pick up a tiny distressed human.

Most of all I feel like I'm loosing myself, like I've already lost myself. I'm someone else now. Or, rather, my priorities and time have shifted drastically. Also, a person came out of my body. Can we please have a moment of silence for my uterus? I'm still in shock over birth. I'm still processing, but things won't slow down--Reuben will be four weeks next week and I still am sitting here thinking a human came out of me.

Lately I am re-learning how to do things. It's like puberty, but worse because instead of thinking the world revolves around me and looking forward to having boobs, I've suddenly realized my son is growing up and I can only watch helplessly.

A lot of being a mother is feeling quite helpless, at least right now. My husband refills my water. My son cries and I try to soothe him. I am so tired. I miss creating things.

But God is still good.

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