Closer

I think the hardest thing about this pregnancy has been letting go of my body. I don't mean "letting it go" I mean abandoning my desires and expectations and realizing that I need to lean on others.

I am a do-it-yourself girl. I hate bothering people and during my first trimester my husband did mostly everything. I'm saying he took care of himself, and me on top of going to work. I was a mess because my body was falling apart and I literally couldn't take care of myself many days. I didn't know what was going on and I just felt sick all the time. And I was frustrated over the way I felt. My husband had to do everything.

And I had to lean on God and I had to lean on my husband. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and just try to get through everything. Before my morning sickness I was used to a very full day of doing chores, taking care of the house, running errands and running my blog and YouTube channel. I'm a very compact and organized person, I know how to make a schedule and work through it. This is a very satisfying and very familiar routine for me.

this is my pregnancy motto

When pregnancy nausea hit that all went out the window. I was lucky if I got one thing done all day. And the doing of said one thing usually required multiple breaks due to trying not to throw up or recovering from throwing up (rare, but did happen) or laying down in an attempt to just feel like my insides were no longer moving at a rate faster then I was comfortable with. I had no energy. I had no appetite, and I suddenly had a list of food aversions longer then my arm.

I know I speak from a place of privilege: for one, I am having a baby. There are many people who go through this type of shock who are sick because of cancer or another serious illness. I also was very lucky that I didn't have to leave my house--I don't work. I cannot imagine holding a job when I could barely hold my head up.

But going through this really helped me rely on God and realize how blessed I was before. Before, and even now in my second trimester when I have a healthy body that obeys my commands, I was/am so blessed! I totally used to take it for granted. I didn't know how fast my health could change and how suddenly it would knock me off my feet. Now I know. And I want to be grateful for every day. I'm so blessed and thankful that I can fold a load of laundry and wash dishes and knit something without feeling like I'm in a tilt-a-whirl. I'm blessed that I can make my husband dinner every night and he doesn't have to come home and take care of me and make sure I eat something. I'm blessed because I can shower every day and wear clothes that aren't primary made of sweats. I'm so blessed.

And I hope I never forget it.