Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Feeling lost

I'll be honest with you. At many times in my life I really don't know what I'm doing. Or supposed to be doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing, taking up space, lost in a sea of other people who are aimlessly wandering around right along with me.

I mean, I like making things. But should that be my life goal? Make things?  We live in a world surrounded by so many things, in a society where advertisements scream at us to buy more things. I struggle with wanting to buy things and I really dislike myself for it. I wish I could find that balance: own just enough to live but not enough that I drown in a sea of plastic nothingness. What can a mere apparatus add to my life?

I do know my goal isn't to make myself happy. My desire, when I think about what I want to do with my life, is to bring joy to people. That is what my heart longs for. There are so many hurting people in the world. If I could just help them achieve a measure of peace--that would be wonderful. But, I confess, I don't know how to begin to do this. Should I buy things for them? Hug them? Give them money? What kind of material possession brings long lasting joy, anyway?

Sometimes the thought that I don't have a definite all-encompassing goal paralyzes me, causing me to doubt that what I'm doing with my life holds any meaning.

In the end I'm just reminded of the small things. Like making coffee for my husband every morning. Folding his socks. Submitting my heart to God. Exploring my city. Having lunch with a friend. And hearing how much my blog helps you--others who struggle with infertility or depression or Christianity. 

In the end, I think, perhaps life is lived in small moments. Not summed up in some great task, but built slowly, day after day, act after act.

Then maybe the biggest, greatest thing I do every morning is get out of bed.

What about you? What are your dreams, your life goals, and how did you come to realize them?


Charlotte Wood said...

I think the act of thinking about your goals will put you ahead of the game, and you will probably think of some soon. One of my goals is to buy a distressed house dirt cheap at an auction and fix it up to rent to or sell. I'm hoping to sell some art in the mean time to help save up some money for my house purchase. I don't know if I'll sell anything. It's somewhat disheartening... Two people have asked for a custom order, but then I don't hear back from them regarding budget approval/wall color. I guess I feel a lot like you. I'm marking time staying home with a three year old, trying to think of things to do, and not wanting to do the things I should do, like clean the bathroom. And I'm spending way too much time on the computer. I think the only really important thing I do is financial coaching.

Rachel G said...

About a year ago I was feeling very much aimless, hopeless, not knowing where life was headed. Since then plans and goals have changed dramatically, God's plan for us has suddenly become more clear, and, I agree, life feels much more purposeful when you know you have something you're working towards...and, in the meantime, when you don't yet have that full picture, focusing on those little "small" things that we can accomplish helps.

Also, what you said about "making things" reminds me of something I read this morning in my most current book, "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. He said something that really intrigued me: "You were made by God to create. If you don't create in a thoughtful and worshipful manner--whether preparing meals, decorating a home, achieving a vocational dream, responsibly raising children--you will feel less than human because you are in fact acting in a subhuman mode. Life spent in a dead-end joyless job with evenings spent in front of a television set and weekends spent 'passing the time' will feel like hell on earth because it is. It's a wasted life, devoid of God's creative energy."

That paragraph intrigued me because I feel like I've experienced that in seasons. When I'm not creating anything or working towards anything, life feels 'off', like it's not right, like I'm not accomplishing my mission.

Charlotte Wood said...

What a great quote from that book!

Emma said...

I haven't commented before but I read your blog from little old England and I really, REALLY enjoy it! I am thinking of becoming a stay-at-home wife too & also have fertility struggles. I find your life inspiring to me as we are a similar age and life stage. I think God is using your blog to help other people so keep pouring your energies into this little space! You might not think it makes a difference but it does. You were one of the only people I could find out there who was a stay-at-home wife and was proud of it - I would love it if you wrote more about that. The good things and the not so good things (which go with any job).

Thank u for all ur honesty on this blog! Emma x

Beth Ewing said...

Oh girl... I've been there. This explains SO MUCH of how I felt about my life in 2012/13. Though I did not fold anyone's socks but my own. You should look into social work.

Carolynn said...

First off, I was unaware you could buy a house at an auction for cheep. I will have to look into this thing, because that sounds fun. And a good investment.

I love your art :) I wish I had wall space to hang one! We have a A frame, and one wall is a fireplace and the other one is windows....and everything else is bookcases right now. Also we need to paint. Keep pursuing your passions!

Don't get me started on the bathroom. Honestly, I really don't clean mine (but its not that dirty) and I only clean my husbands (the one downstairs) when we are having a guest over (that's great motivation for me!) I actually caught my husband cleaning his own bathroom last week. By himself. I think my jaw hit the floor and then I made him brownies.

I really like your financial coaching blog posts. I've read them to my husband and they have helped a ton!

Carolynn said...

I'm going to look up that book, it sounds like I need to read it. That quote is spot on and hit me where I needed it.

Also, I feel like I should hug you for always taking the time to leave the most amazing comments on my blog. It really means a lot.

Carolynn said...

Wow, England? Jealous!

I'm glad you enjoy my blog! That means so much and I have a huge grin on my face because of it!

I'm super proud of being a stay at home wife! God has blessed me SO MUCH for making this choice. I've had reservations and fears and every time God just comes in and shows me that what I'm doing is where he wants me. My husband helps as well, he's so encouraging.

I will write more about being a stay at home wife! :) Thanks for comments, Emma from England :)

Rachel G said...

It's an awesome book! Technically it's about marriage, but even more it's about marriage as it relates to and impacts Christian life and our relationship with God.

*invisible hug* :)

Tori Bragg said...

I can so relate! I don't know what I'm doing, don't know where I'm going, don't have a clue what God wants from me...all I know is I want to write, to inspire people, encourage them, make them laugh, take them on an adventure. I feel like that's the gift God's given to me, my writing, but I have no idea what my future is going to look like based on that. I'm just praying and trusting God will guide me to whatever He wants for me in time.

Addie Marie said...

"In the end, I think, perhaps life is lived in small moments. Not summed up in some great task, but built slowly, day after day, act after act.
Then maybe the biggest, greatest thing I do every morning is get out of bed."

This is beautiful. I relate so well to this post, and these words you wrote really hit home tonight. Thank you for this.

Angela said...

What Emma from England said 100%! This was the only blog I could find as well of a happy stay-at-home wife. I'd love to be home and always have a healthy dinner on the table everynight, keep a clean house, and have more time with God. I'd also love to read more about your adventures of being home, this is the only stay at home wife blog I can find, so you're representing (: You have no idea how much you're encouraging me to take the leap!
Keep shining bright <3.

ThomasNMurray said...

gorgeous and pretty as alwayss!