Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Feeling lost

I'll be honest with you. At many times in my life I really don't know what I'm doing. Or supposed to be doing. Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing, taking up space, lost in a sea of other people who are aimlessly wandering around right along with me.

I mean, I like making things. But should that be my life goal? Make things?  We live in a world surrounded by so many things, in a society where advertisements scream at us to buy more things. I struggle with wanting to buy things and I really dislike myself for it. I wish I could find that balance: own just enough to live but not enough that I drown in a sea of plastic nothingness. What can a mere apparatus add to my life?

I do know my goal isn't to make myself happy. My desire, when I think about what I want to do with my life, is to bring joy to people. That is what my heart longs for. There are so many hurting people in the world. If I could just help them achieve a measure of peace--that would be wonderful. But, I confess, I don't know how to begin to do this. Should I buy things for them? Hug them? Give them money? What kind of material possession brings long lasting joy, anyway?

Sometimes the thought that I don't have a definite all-encompassing goal paralyzes me, causing me to doubt that what I'm doing with my life holds any meaning.

In the end I'm just reminded of the small things. Like making coffee for my husband every morning. Folding his socks. Submitting my heart to God. Exploring my city. Having lunch with a friend. And hearing how much my blog helps you--others who struggle with infertility or depression or Christianity. 

In the end, I think, perhaps life is lived in small moments. Not summed up in some great task, but built slowly, day after day, act after act.

Then maybe the biggest, greatest thing I do every morning is get out of bed.

What about you? What are your dreams, your life goals, and how did you come to realize them?

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