Monday, April 14, 2014

Stars on my Legs

When I'm having a hard day, these leggings make me smile. I love wearing them. I'm not sure why--but they are just so unique and fun and colorful, and so me that I can't help get over whatever trivial, first-world thing that was previously bothering me.

The flowers are in full bloom here as well. Aren't they lovely? Sometimes I'm very glad Earth does not have man-eating plants that disguise themselves with pretty blossoms, because I'd be the first to get eaten. For real.

The thing I've been struggling with lately is shame. Shame over, well, three failed baby attempts so far. But then I realize that I don't need to and should not feel shame over this. I have no control over what my body is doing. Yes, I try to take care of it, but it can make decisions without me. I also have no control over how certain parts of society might view me. But I can view myself the right way. Yes, I want kids. But an inability to have them does not make me somehow less of a person. Anyone that thinks that is wrong. I am wrong for thinking that.

So I want to throw off the shame by taking about it! Yes, I've had three miscarriages. Yes, I'm struggling, Yes this is hard and not fun and weird. But it isn't shameful. And it shouldn't be! No matter if I have five or zero kids, no matter if they are biological or adopted or fostered-- I have nothing to be humiliated about. And I want to live that way.

Last week I told someone in my bible study about my miscarriages, and the first thing she asked was how I could just talk about it so nonchalantly! I told her that while I am sad, I want to bring awareness to the issue and help other women who have gone through the same thing. No one talks about miscarriage (at least not in my church) yet so many women have had one! I noticed when I mentioned it everyone looked at the ground. I suppose they might not have known what to say to me, but this struck my heart as a weird reaction. Like I was mentioning a taboo topic. I don't want my struggle to be a scandalous subject to bring up in conversation. It's a medical condition, not a label, and shouldn't have any negativity attached to it.

Besides that, I always feel welcomed in my bible study. It's wonderful to have a place to talk about my current and past struggles, and to help others. I am blessed to have such a wonderful group of women to mentor me, and I know none of them judge me at all. I really do love them--I know that any awkwardness I may perceive in them is just that--awkwardness--as we all strive to love each other more.

Hmm, so, how are you guys doing? I have a doctors appointment about my uterus soon and to be honest I'm terrified. They are going to poke me (draw blood) and I know I'm going to freak out. At least my husband will be there! (hopefully...)

Perhaps I'll wear these awesome leggings to my appointment, in hope that they will calm me down.


SuESanders said...

The flowers are in full bloom here as well. Aren't they lovely? Sometimes I'm very glad Earth does not have man-eating plants that disguise themselves with pretty blossoms, because I'd be the first to get eaten. For real.

PopChampagne said...

aww lovely post. I think that shit happens and I think that you are very strong in talking about it. of course you are sad but I think you are doing a great job through it all. And when it's meant to happen it will I'm sure :) good luck!!

Angela said...

First off, you look simply beautiful in your pictures. Those leggings are adorable (:

I’m sorry you’re hurting, I’ll be praying for a good doctor’s visit. Also, for peace and that you’ll discover God’s precise message in this hardship. The fact that you wrote about it here for other women to read is so selfless, and I believe God’s way of using you to do His work. Keep shining bright my dear.

Tori Bragg said...

You're so pretty, and I just love your style! Those leggings are magical :)

I'm so sorry about the miscarriages, but I'm so encouraged by your strength and honesty in dealing with them, and the way you trust God so much no matter how much you're hurting. Since the day I met you, you have been such a huge inspiration to me, and I'm so blessed that God brought you into my life. I'm praying for you, and I love you so much, dear friend :)

niftysmith said...

Hugs to you. There is no shame in a miscarriage. There should never be shame in something so out of your control. I'll be praying for your doctor's visit; praying for wisdom that the doctors see how best to help you! You are a wonderful mama, now and always. <3

Kelly del Valle said...

While I am very sad to hear your news, and am sending all good thoughts your way, I am glad that this is a topic that I am seeing come up more often. It's really sad that women who do not have children, for whatever reason, should feel any shame.The real shameful thing is that it is often other women who make them feel that way. I once mentioned to a coworker that I had chosen not to have biological kids... and she said, 'oh yes, sometimes women who can't have children say they never wanted them anyway'. It made me sad that she would imply that women who can't conceive have to lie about why they don't have kids, and sad that there is this assumption that all women must want kids. You're very brave to post so honestly, and I hope more women begin doing the same.

Rachel G said...

I'm sorry. I hope you guys get some answers at the upcoming doctor's visit--I also avoid the doctor like the plague so I understand not looking forward to the visit at all. There shouldn't be shame, but heartbreaking events are hard to talk about just because of the sadness. I still remember seeing my Mom cry after an aunt of mine had a miscarriage, probably 15 years ago, that was the first time I'd ever heard of it. I believe it's a heartbreak only God can heal.