The thing I've been struggling with lately is shame. Shame over, well, three failed baby attempts so far. But then I realize that I don't need to and should not feel shame over this. I have no control over what my body is doing. Yes, I try to take care of it, but it can make decisions without me. I also have no control over how certain parts of society might view me. But I can view myself the right way. Yes, I want kids. But an inability to have them does not make me somehow less of a person. Anyone that thinks that is wrong. I am wrong for thinking that.
So I want to throw off the shame by taking about it! Yes, I've had three miscarriages. Yes, I'm struggling, Yes this is hard and not fun and weird. But it isn't shameful. And it shouldn't be! No matter if I have five or zero kids, no matter if they are biological or adopted or fostered-- I have nothing to be humiliated about. And I want to live that way.
Last week I told someone in my bible study about my miscarriages, and the first thing she asked was how I could just talk about it so nonchalantly! I told her that while I am sad, I want to bring awareness to the issue and help other women who have gone through the same thing. No one talks about miscarriage (at least not in my church) yet so many women have had one! I noticed when I mentioned it everyone looked at the ground. I suppose they might not have known what to say to me, but this struck my heart as a weird reaction. Like I was mentioning a taboo topic. I don't want my struggle to be a scandalous subject to bring up in conversation. It's a medical condition, not a label, and shouldn't have any negativity attached to it.
Besides that, I always feel welcomed in my bible study. It's wonderful to have a place to talk about my current and past struggles, and to help others. I am blessed to have such a wonderful group of women to mentor me, and I know none of them judge me at all. I really do love them--I know that any awkwardness I may perceive in them is just that--awkwardness--as we all strive to love each other more.
Hmm, so, how are you guys doing? I have a doctors appointment about my uterus soon and to be honest I'm terrified. They are going to poke me (draw blood) and I know I'm going to freak out. At least my husband will be there! (hopefully...)
Perhaps I'll wear these awesome leggings to my appointment, in hope that they will calm me down.