The Weeks Feel So Long

Here we are again, at the tail end of a long homeschooling week, where I cooked every meal...okay, I didn't make every meal actually I think my husband made one last weekend and Reuben made fries one night...but besides that I did, in fact, cook every meal and clean every floor. 

I feel tired but happy. Sometimes I get down about all the work there is to do. It literally never ends. There is always one more wall I could wipe down (those dirty fingerprints!) or chair to clean, one more corner to dust or thing to put away...but I know now, after 39 years of existing, that this life I have built is a privilege. 

It is a privilege to care for my family, to educate them, to nurture them well and to hopefully rear them to love and honor the Lord. I feel deeply grateful that this week despite my ongoing chronic issues and my own emotional ups and downs...and my spiritual struggles, I was able to take it moment by moment and here I am listening to my happy children jump on the trampoline in the 50 degree weather, a new spring here at our doorstep and...dinner still to plan tonight. Granted, many moments were chaotic and crazy and I remain certainly humbled in my motherhood. 

There was a toddler tantrum today when we had to leave the pool. And one of my kids walloped another kid in the face and there were many tears shed and arnica administered. I would have given said child pulsatilla if I'd had it...but I didn't. And there was a rush to make lunch because everyone was hungry after swimming...but we made it through afternoon school today and all is well in the dawn of a new spring and the excitement of a empty afternoon of playtime. 

It was a good day and I won't let the things I didn't get done ruin it. We had beauty, we made memories and we read books. Perfection couldn't dream any bigger.

But the week did feel very long. Day after day, the same rotation of to-do. Breakfast, devotions, dishes, homeschooling. Piano, laundry, pleasure reading (Treasure Island!) and playtime, if it isn't raining, hopefully outside. It rained a lot this week. 

Tomorrow promises even more beauty! It is forecast to be 66 degrees where we live and that sounds heavenly. I need to start planning a garden. Dare we do it? Dare we try to grow something with a toddler and chronic fatigue? Maybe this year I will dare. My 10 year old can probably do a lot of it on his own and he wants to, too. And life is never perfect. Perhaps the lesson my children and I need to learn this year is how to live amidst very real and very challenging imperfections... well, we have those every year but I'm not getting any younger and my health, even as I devote more and more time to it...seems to be on a slow but definitely downward trend. 

The kids with their Paper Sloyd creations <3

Some months I have a week of good health. Some years I have a month of good health. I want to learn to thank the Lord that here I am, still, serving him, even with severe IBS, fatigue, pain, heart trouble, vision problems, diabetes and vein issues. Last week I had an amazing day of health and energy...! It was wonderful. I had energy into the afternoon! I felt human and it was nice to not have to exert so much energy just to exist. 

The good days that are peppered into all the bad keep me going, keep me hoping for another one... the Lord is my strength and I believe he sends me these rainbow days as bright gifts, drops of alabaster in the wreckage that is my life. I don't know what God is doing, and I don't know why I suffer like this, but I will continue to praise him. 

Now I need to go and figure out what's for dinner...I'm thinking salmon, rice, and some type of veggie...

Tuesday Thoughts

I feel like in motherhood I'm either exhausted or my house is a mess and I haven't brushed the toddler's hair in who knows how long. Is there a middle ground? Sometimes I'm exhausted AND my house is a mess. It's probably because I have a chronic illness. And a two year old. 

We just got back from back to back piano lessons. My daughter (age 8, Year 2) is doing the Suzuki method and then we fly across town for my son's (age 10, Year 5) lessons. They both have such amazing piano teachers who suit their personalities and challenge them...but almost every Tuesday I wonder why I am doing this again. I do think music is important, but so is my sanity. 

Reuben has achieved a new high in the Equipping Mind Cognitive Brain Program. By this I mean he has quit sulking, pouting and complaining and seems to be enjoying it again, and I'm glad to see his spirits thriving. We are six weeks in now, and I am still not sure about it...

It's been a lot of work. And it is very expensive. I think it is helping Reuben but I am not sure this is the best program for Becky...I always feel as a mom I am making the wrong decision, and failing my children. This reaction in me is so irritating! Why can't I trust myself? Also, I'm human and allowed to make mistakes too. But when it comes to my children and their education I hate feeling helpless and seeing them stuck. I remember feeling that way as a child and wondering what was wrong with me and I never wanted them to go through that. 

I know I need to pray more and lean into God and his heavenly mercies. I do trust God. But what if I'm missing something? What if I needed to wait and things would be fine? Every week I ask myself if this is the right step for my children and every week we keep going. I told Reuben when he asked if he was better yet, that well, if it doesn't work that's okay, we will have found something that didn't work and that will bring us one more step closer to what should work. I just don't want to unnecessarily torture my children with burdensome curriculums...

We have started on the Einstein Reading Program by Jill M. Ham, from the Children's Dyslexia Center of Georgia. It's so great. Kristel Knaus is who we are using for cognitive brain therapy and she gave us six weeks of the Einstein Program, and I can't for the life of me figure out if there is more of it. Kristel says there is but she doesn't have it. So, I messaged Jill M. Ham last week and I am still waiting to hear back if I can purchase more of it...Jill responded right away when I texted her last week but she hasn't responded since even though I sent a follow up message. Going to give it a few days--maybe she's traveling or there is an illness in her family... I do love this program though. It makes spelling, writing and reading fluid and very streamlined AND the lessons are straightforward and easy to understand for me, which is a relief. I can't find anything about this program when I google it! I think this lady made it up on the fly and isn't even selling it anywhere! Egads! I must have it. When something works, and is made well... it's so frustrating when it is inaccessible! 

Anyway, after we got home from piano I ate an entire chocolate bar and Reuben is downstairs making brownies for his cooking lesson and I've already broken up three fights between the girls while typing this. We still have afternoon subjects--only one today, I'm supposed to do paper sloyd. I want to lay in bed and drink tea, but I think I will power through and THEN lay in bed and drink tea and read a novel with my kids. We are almost done with Winter Holiday and I love it. Will Nancy ever get better from the mumps? The kids and I are hooked. I'm reading that one aloud but we are also listening to Treasure Island on audio. Good books feed the soul. 

I need some adult book recommendations for myself. I have been reading Phineas Redux but I've gotten tired of it. What should I try next? I love Anthony Trollope but please if he has to talk about parliament for one more chapter I think I might fall asleep. I liked the one about the Eustace Diamonds better. She was a narcissist, wasn't she, but I wanted her to end up happy. I don't think she did. 

Apparently that character, Lizzie, is also in Phineas Redux but I cannot get over how angry I am about the last book, Phineas Finn, which had a character that I loved in it and they killed her off in the first chapter of Phineas Redux. And she was the sweetest! And most patient!! Ugh! I can't get over it. Why, Trollope, why, do you have no heart? Livid is an apt way to describe my mood after reading that! Perhaps that is why I can't get into Phineas Redux. I won't contextualize so I don't spoil the story too much, if you haven't read it... 

I need to go clean something to work off my ire over that book. Oh, I need to clean anyway because I have three kids and a type-A personality. 

And paper sloyd is calling...it's a wonderful thing to have leftover soup for dinner and a pre-teen who is making brownies for tea. 

I Stand With Erika Kirk

I have been thinking about this for a long time. When Charlie Kirk was shot, I honestly didn't know who he was. I thought he was Ben Shapiro, I got the two of them confused and they don't even look like each other, but it's the truth...I also got Matt Walsh mixed up in there with them! I had seen a few of each of their (short form content) videos and as they both talked about politics and I never followed any of them it all kind of ran together. 

It has been five months since Charlie Kirk was shot and I have watched many of his videos and heard about him many times on the news since. I am grieved that there is so much controversy and conspiracy over his death! I want justice for Charlie Kirk and my inquisitive heart also wants clarity. 

I also know who Candace Owens is and honestly, I really like her. I like how she does her own thing and tries to stands up for truth. If you have seen any of her videos you can tell she absolutely believes what she is saying and doesn't hold back on her investigative journalism. She stands apart from conservative and liberal news agencies as somewhere in the middle... I have been following her reporting on Charlie's death and I definitely believe that Tyler Robinson was involved somehow but I don't think he pulled the trigger. There are many odd things about that case and I am hopeful we will live to see true justice for Charlie carried out here on earth. I think Candace has a right to look into this and she's perfectly poised in the media world to delve into the nitty gritty of Charlie's assassination. 

I know that God knows exactly what happened on September 10th when Charlie was shot, and that in the end, God wins. He will bring Charlie's murderer to justice on his own time. 

"Nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light."(Luke 8:17)

God is working, and I believe and trust in him. 

This brings me to the ongoing controversy, between Erika Kirk and Candace Owens. 

I don't think Erika Kirk had anything to do with Charlie's death. And I don't think Erika has any ulterior or hidden motives in her past or present. 

I think Erika is suffering. She deeply misses her husband. She knows that Turning Point USA was highly cherished by him. And she thinks that by working hard to make his dream a reality she is keeping him alive...there is probably much more complexity behind her choice to assume the role of CEO of Turning Point, yet I feel the crux of it is either Charlie planned for her to take over after his death, or Erika thinks she is fulfilling his dreams/wishes. Her husband is dead, and she does not want to see his dream die with him. 

I also think Erika loves working. She loves to be busy. She's owned businesses before and she's a savvy businesswoman! She needs people around her who will encourage her to rest and take care of her family. Charlie, I am sure, loved his kids and his wife more than Turing Point USA. 

One of the problems is that Charlie, and Erika also--are both public figures. It is hard to grieve publicly. Being in the public eye is to be under intense scrutiny. The public can turn on you in a second. And the media plays a big part in that. 

I have seen the videos of Candace Owens coming out against Erika. The hard thing is--Erika is both a grieving widow and the CEO of Turning Point USA. These two things should not exist simultaneously. No one, after the public execution of their husband, should be working in an office mere weeks after such an atrocity. She shouldn't be helping his staff heal or telling them in meetings to take time off. She is in the midst of trauma and she needs, desperately, to have space to breathe and process. 

I think--that Erika is a Martha. You know, the Mary-Martha story--I'm oversimplifying here, but I think Erika, like Martha, likes to work. I also like to work. I like to be busy. Being still in the middle of a tragedy makes it worse. Ignoring it and working, and telling myself I am doing the right thing, even if I know it's wrong--it's easier. That is what I see in Erika. Someone who thinks she has to keep going. For Charlie, and for herself. It isn't that she has some underhanded plan. There is no subterfuge behind her actions. She is simply a human woman who is flawed and needs deep healing. I don't mean to say she can ever "heal" from the loss of her husband but she needs space to process what she has been through and she needs rest with her family and children. 

If Erika was my friend, I would tell her to go away somewhere for a year and just exist. Be with family and friends. Make waffles for your kids in the morning. Cry. Watch Elizabeth Elliott videos--her husband was murdered too. She has wise, wise words for hurting souls. 

You can't put a band-aid on a wound like the loss of your dearest friend, your husband, your solider in the midst of the world, the father of your children and your pillow confidant. Charlie was that and more to her.

Who Erika dated in the past doesn't matter. Stop digging up her past. I'm sure Charlie knew it. I don't see any red flags or issues with her past. Clearly she had problems and sin in her life before she was saved. Clearly she needs Jesus now just as much as she did as a 22 year old. 

I think Candace wants someone to blame. Candace loves the truth. But she can also fixate on supposed idiosyncrasies that are just life. A picture moved in Charlie's office doesn't mean they were on the brink of divorce. Erika saying she "lived in China" and then saying she was "just on a trip" isn't a big deal. I don't see any issues there, no hidden agenda, just a nuance of words. 

Candace is a conspiracy theorist, and there are a lot of conspiracy theories that are true. But just like police officers struggle with identifying innocent people because they see so much crime, I think here Candace is struggling to see normal grief because she deals with so many conspiracies. And obviously Candace and Erika are very different people, and I think Candace doesn't recognize the idea that grief can look so different. 

I think Erika is the wrong rock to look under. Candace can be wrong too. Candace has a hard time with that...she so desperately wants to find the why and the how behind her dear friend Charlie's death that she's burning bridges without thinking. 

So I stand with Erika. I may disagree with her actions after her husband death but I stand with her, grieve with her, and pray daily for her and her children.   

What do you think?