Knitting, Lately

This past month I've knitted up at storm!

First off, my pen pall Sew Technicolor sent me this amazing pink/purple yarn she hand-dyed herself. I love it. At the time, I was in a crochet mood, so I whipped up this little cowl/neck-warmer thing! I adore this cowl--so warm, and fun! This yarn is beyond beautiful and variegated and I just can't stop looking at it and touching it! :D And...I still have an entire other skein to play with!

Then, I made a gift for another dear friend of mine, who requested, when asked, mitts that would "go with everything!" Challenge: accepted! I made her comfy black fingerless gloves that will, indeed, go with everything. Expect maybe a ball gown. Or a tutu.

These gloves were made from fingering weight yarn and I also made a free pattern for download in case anyone else wants to knit some!

The next project on my list was a new hat for Mr. Adventure! This was his Christmas gift, and he loved his manly earth-colored hat knitted by his wife! It really is soft! I used this free pattern to knit his slouchy hat, leaving off the pompom, of course.

The last, and final thing I knit before the new year were these arm warmers. Let me tell you a little story about these things. I started on them 6 months ago, before I knew how to make thumb holes and was just beginning to knit in the round. And I finished them a few days ago. I kept running out of beads and being distracted by other projects. But they are done, finally.

What about you? Any projects almost done, but not quite?

Also, if you don't want to follow my blog, but still want to be notified when I release any new knitting or crochet patterns, you can sign up for my e-mail list! I mail out my new knits on the first of every month. If you'd like to preview what an e-mail looks like, click here!

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Grief

Last week I received confirmation that I'd lost another pregnancy.

In the following days I've wrestled with sadness, grief, depression, anxiety...

I mean, first of all, it is hard to grieve publicly for my baby because many of my friends and family were unaware of my pregnancy. Since I previously have had two miscarriages, we decided to wait as long as possible before telling anyone. I only told a few close friends and my immediate family.

Another struggle I've been having is how absurd I feel even mourning my lost child. I'm not quite sure how to put this into words. My baby only lived a little over three months. I never heard her first words. I never helped her put on socks, or nursed her, or even felt her move. What right do I have to grieve when all over the earth children are dying in their mothers arms? Sometimes my sadness just feels trivial, say, to the mother who lost her 6 year old to cancer or the family whose only son was killed by a drunk driver.

But I know that my pain does have a place in this world, and that it is something I have to work through. It's not trivial, it's just a different kind of pain. I wish I'd had the chance to meet my baby.

For some reason this miscarriage has been harder. Maybe because its my third one, maybe because it went a little longer then the others, or maybe because I am just getting older? That's not to say I wasn't sad with my other miscarriages, because I was. But this time around I experienced an emotion I've never associated with miscarriage before: Shame.

Yes, I felt ashamed. Why did my body expel this child I wanted so much? Was it something I did? What is wrong with me? At first I didn't want to tell anyone, because I was terrified it would somehow change the way they saw me.

Perhaps my fear was brought on by the roller coaster of hormone spikes that come with miscarriages, or perhaps it was a deeper heart issue--but all I know is that I wallowed in my humiliation for awhile, before surfacing from my ocean of shame to began my swim to solid ground and healing once again.

This miscarriage was not my fault. I eat impeccably well. I don't smoke, I barely drink (and stopped completely once the Mr. and I started "trying"). This is not my fault. Sure, something anatomically might be wrong with my body, but nothing is wrong with me. And I have nothing to be ashamed of. Many women suffer with infertility and I would never think any less of them, so why would I ascribe that status to myself?

This is no longer the 18th or 19th century, where the worth of a women was measured from her beauty and her offspring. Nor should a women, no matter what century, be measured that way. So I definitely shouldn't measure myself this way! And I won't.

I still wonder if I'll ever experience being a mother. But I know I'm not going to let my pain or grief get in the way of enjoying my marriage and my life as a wife, blogger, seamstress and knitter to the fullest. No matter what happens. 

Winter Wears

Okay, it's been oddly warm here lately. Like, 60 degrees. Whats up, weather? I know my state isn't the only place to do this on occasion, but it's super weird.

Here is an outfit I wore on Christmas Eve last week! Because of the weird weather and the "hot flashes," I've been wearing layers and leaving my coat a home when we go out. I also think its so interesting how much red is still in my hair from way back (two years ago) when I dyed it with henna. They obviously were not kidding on that "permanent" label.

So, my clothes. Well, I found this "boyfriend" sweater at Goodwill, as well as the pants and the classic button down I'm wearing underneath my cardigan. All at different times, of course. But they all go so great together, and I love this whole look. It's cozy and very warm. 

The day before I took these pictures I tee-shirt curled my hair. It was way bouncy and fun! My husband took me out to Olive Garden for part of my Christmas gift and it was a wonderful evening of expensive entrees and cheesecake and wine...anyway, the next day my hair looked like this!

Hope you all had a great holiday!