Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Worthy News

As I write this my hands are shaking with excitement and fear, and perhaps a little bit of awe as well. As you might know, 9 months ago I had my third miscarriage. It honestly broke my heart, and I didn't know if I wanted to try again. Three times? How could I struggle through a forth only to be devastated with another loss?


For the last three or so months we've been on and off trying, mostly hopeful, not putting to much thought into it--just going through the ebb and flow of life. I've been working on becoming healthy, healing my gut and making a home for my husband and I. Many days I've wondered if a baby would ever fill our space.

Five weeks ago I had a positive pregnancy test. Followed by swollen boobs and a lymph node that has decided it does not want to behave normally but instead freak out because, pregnancy hormones. I've also been SO HUNGRY and SO SLEEPY. Also, fat. I've been feeling fat. But that's another story.

Two weeks after I found out I was hit by...nausea. Yes. Crippling nausea. I didn't shower for a week.I didn't really do anything, uh, but complain on twitter and eat take out my husband picked up. And I stopped being hungry. I stopped being anything but nauseous all the time. Yes, all the time. And I'm not trying to complain, because yes I am happy. but woah. Pregnancy is not like what I thought it would be. At all.
But yes. I'm pregnant. and hopeful. and scared. This is my forth pregnancy. I want to keep it. I love this little bean even through I can't even see it. And boy does it make me crazy, thinking in nine months (if my body works correctly) this little bean will be a big bean and will, somehow, without (or with?) my permission travel out of my body and into my arms.

I think the thing I'm worried about the most (besides losing the baby, again) is gaining weight. I've been working SO HARD to lose weight. I lost a lot in the last six months (20 pounds) and I don't want to find it again. I don't want to have to work hard like that even again. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and feel depressed about my weight. I just want to keep it off. I'm trying to realize it's not a big deal. I will work hard again if I need to. And I'm still doing strength exercises (like yoga and pilates) to keep myself strong.  I've already noticed that even through I'm only 6 (7? how do they count this?) weeks along--I have gained a bit of weight.

I try not to let it get me down. But it does.

How is everyone else doing? If all goes well there will be a little Markey sometime in August. Even I'm beyond words.

14 comments:

  1. I'm so happy for you! I'm gonna root for August 9th since that's my birthday :)

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  2. Eeeeeek! Yayayay!

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  3. I am still so excited for you and praying for you. I know what you mean about the nausea. You have no idea how debilitating and miserable it is until it happens to you. Losing your appetite is totally normal. I had to force myself to eat for months! I don't think I had the tiniest bit of an appetite until I was about 17 weeks, and then suddenly I was ravenous.

    Honestly though, I can't stress enough not to worry about the weight. I know the struggle, believe me. I have a mini panic attack every time I step on the scale at the Dr.'s office and I've had my own fears over gaining weight, but it's all for a good cause and it WILL come off.

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  4. I am so happy for you! I will be praying for you.

    About the weight, the good news is that breast feeding helps you lose the weight later, but also remember that mommies are supposed to be a little fluffy. It makes us better for cuddling. ;)

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  5. YAY BABY!! Still so happy for you and praying for you, of course! Regarding the weight - I've never been pregnant, so I'm obviously NOT any kind of expert, but I have read that breastfeeding helps you lose the weight pretty quickly because you burn so many calories doing it. Hopefully that's some consolation at least - if not, just remember you get a BABY out of this whole deal! Once you see his/her adorable little face, I imagine it'll all be worth it...hopefully the nausea part too, although I know I'm going to be a HUGE baby someday if I get sick while pregnant. So I do feel for you there, haha.

    What did the doctor say about a due date!? Do you have an official prediction date yet?

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  6. I'm so happy for you! I've been praying for you and your baby. :)

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  7. This is so exciting for you guys! I'm definitely praying for health and safety for you and the little one. It seems this is one of those times in life when nausea and weight gain are a good thing, which sounds so weird, doesn't it?

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  8. Congratulations!! It has truly been a season of God creating families that have been long heart-ached and struggled for. Thinking sticky for you!

    I also want to say, at some point when your kiddo is here and you're no longer pregnant, it may be worthwhile to visit your doctor for some tests. Three+ confirmed miscarriages is *not* normal, and there are some blood clotting disorders and other conditions which can cause repeated pregnancy loss (though they may not have any other noticeable effect on your health). Good thing is, depending on the cause, there are treatments, but you generally have to know from the get-go what's going on. Here's to no more such heartbreak in your future!

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  9. P.S. You date pregnancies from your last period, which is usually 4-5 weeks before a positive pregnancy test/missed period. So if that was 5 weeks ago, you're probably 9-10 weeks along. (Right at peak feel-like-crap time, unfortunately...but it gets better! At least, for most.)

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  10. I'm so so so so excited for you. I obviously don't know much about pregnancy since I haven't experienced it myself, but just remember with all the craziness that God designed our bodies to do this! Even if that means gaining weight. ;) You and your little bean are constantly in my prayers!

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  11. Hehe, yeah, after my third pregnancy I went to the doctor a lot and had a full battery of tests and internal and external ultrasounds. They all came back to say there is nothing at all wrong with me. I was referred to a specialist to have more tests, but then got preggo and have to wait. I think I have an autoimmune problem, but alas I don't know enough to say that about myself for certain.

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  12. I know this is going to sound a little odd (being a random person on the internet) but I read your blog every now and then and have been hoping for ages and ages to see a post like this - congratulations!!! the nausea gets better, absolutely, and the weight gain, it comes off, really it does, don't worry about it too much now. And congratulations again, really, your blog post has made my morning :)

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  13. I am catching up on your posts, so this is 3 months late, but from one of your random readers in the universe... CONgRaTuLATiOnS!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thank you so much for commenting! Your thoughts bring smiles to my face :)