Thursday, December 11, 2014

I'm an alien.

Yes. I'm finally realized what's wrong with me. I'm an alien. Well, that's the way I feel. And the symptoms I'm experiencing do seem to suggest an otherworldly cause. Screw pregnancy, I've been infested with some body snatcher from mars. Don't believe me? Well, read my symptoms and then you will understand.

1) My proximity to humans compromises my internal stability. In other words, being kissed by my husband causes me to gag. Because he smells like skin. This never bothered me before. Also, I smell like skin. Why did I never notice this before? I can't put anything close to my face.

2) Goodbye every food I ever loved. The thought of eating humus makes me want to run and die somewhere. Just the thought of it, people. AND I LOVE HUMUS. I would cry on all my humus, but since I can't put it close to my face I'll have to morn from afar. How can I both miss humus but be completely disgusted by the thought of eating it? I even tried to google a picture of humus for this post, but had to stop. Even pictures betray me.

3) All sense of organization in my life is gone. I don't know where organized Carolynn is, with her two videos a week and ability to wear something that is not pajamas, but she's gone. Today I finally felt well enough to sweep the bathroom floor. And boy did it need it; my husband cut his hair in there about two weeks ago and there was little pieces of hair everywhere. I still need to actually clean the bathroom, by the way. Maybe if I leave a trail of bacon to the cleaning closet my husband will magically get the memo.

4) I realize that other people have grown humans inside of them, but can I just say that I'm growing a human inside of me? WHAT??!?! Clearly, aliens.

5) I am no longer interested in leaving my house bubble place of cuddly warmth. Any attempt to tear me away and I'll start sobbing uncontrollably on my body pillow. Maybe it's because cars make me gag, even if I'm driving them. Or its probably the fact that I'd have to but a bra on, and I haven't worn one in like three weeks because not only are my boobs two sizes bigger, but they also feel like I've suddenly set them on fire if I attempt to restrain them in any conventional device. Yesterday I went to Taco Bell with my husband without a bra on. It was like people of Walmart but with tacos instead of cheep lawn chairs and hot sauce in place of isles of Christmas cards. I swear I'm trying to eat healthy, but yesterday was one of those "I have to eat SOMETHING" moments.

So. Yes. Aliens. If you excuse me I'm going to go make myself a salad with bacon and green olives on it before attempting to clean the other half of the bathroom.


Michelle said...

Just want until you feel the baby move. Then it wil REALLY feel like you've been invaded by aliens.

Hummus made me gag too for a long time. Basically everything made me gag. I barely ate a thing the entire 1st trimester.

Be glad you don't have a full time job! I cried every single morning for months and threw up the whole time I was getting ready and then again when I got to work. I would've killed to be able to stay home.

Deanna Fike said...

pregnancy SUCKS! i didn't have a blog during my pregnancies, but i hated being pregnant. i hated not feeling like myself, and i hated how people kept giving me advice, and i hated how everything smelled bad. (i totally get the 'skin' smell.) and i hated when gage (in utero) kicked me so hard he broke my rib but there isn't anything they can do about that. i hated peppy. i hated myself. i hated that everything made me cry. i grew skin tags on my vagina (which thankfully fell off.) my left armpit lymph node backed up with milk the size of a golfball, and to this day it still swells before every period. i farted constantly and my back and buttbone never stopped aching.

yep. sucks.

Charlotte Wood said...

When I was pregnant, I thought that being put on bed rest sounded like a pretty good idea. :) Only get up to go to the bathroom? Sounds great! I didn't like being pregnant either. Except that I felt like a super human being able to smell so many things. I wanted more than anything to be able to sleep on my stomach. I considered making my own mattress with a big hole cut in it.

Angela said...

you're the cutest little alien ever <3.

Carolynn said...

oh I remembered my point! Yes, from your perspective what I'm going through sounds easy. its like when my sister said to me that she had "like three days of nausea" and it was "like the worst ever" and I wanted to cry on her. Or tell her how lucky she was. but to her it WAS the worst ever. all three days of it. Can you imagine?

Sarah said...

I didn't have the sunshine and rainbow pregnancy that many women talk about. I got sick for the first time a week after I found out and it continued through the day the baby was born. After two trips to the emergency room I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum and it was no picnic in the park. The difference between regular morning sickness and HG is staggering. It is impossible to function normally. Ginger, crackers, small meals, grandma's chicken soup, etc etc etc are no help. I could barely look at pictures of food without getting sick, let alone keep anything healthy down. I lived off potato chips and muffins for months. They were all I could stomach. Eight times a day I rushed to the bathroom and eight times I came out in tears of desperation and frustration. It's almost impossible to feel over the moon excited when you don't even feel human anymore. Did I feel like I was doing something great by growing a baby? Not really (although I wish I did). I was too sick to enjoy it. I felt like I was about to die every day for 270+ days. Was the baby worth it? Absolutely. Am I looking forward to being pregnant again? Heck to the no.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly!! :)

Cliff Coates said...

First, I want to express my empathy, because it sounds like you are having a miserable time. (If there is anything Mom or I can do to help, please let me know.)

Second, why are you just finding out now that you are an alien? I thought that was common knowledge... :)