Sunday, February 4, 2018

two weeks

Daddy goes back to work tomorrow and I will be alone with my two offspring from Monday to Friday. These past two weeks of postpartum rest were so needed and so wonderful; filled with lots of nursing, husband cooking, and reading books to a toddler while a baby slept on my chest. I am sure all those things will continue to happen--but I will miss my husband next week. It's nice to be able to hand him a baby when I want to shower or have him calm a tantrum from the toddler while I nurse. I don't know how I am going to do all this on my own.

Most everything has gone smoothly. Except for bedtime. Reuben still takes hours to fall asleep, whines, cries, and demands to nurse. I nursed all through pregnancy batting nursing aversions only to STILL have nursing aversions after birthing Rebekah. I only have issues when nursing the toddler. Call it the saddest irony you've ever heard of--but I can't nurse my toddler without severe repercussions. The longer he nurses, the more stressed and anxious I get. I even start to physically get ill and have to hold back tears of frustration and pain. It's the strangest thing. So we are weaning. I have not been able to nurse him to sleep at night since Rebekah was born, and I am mourning that. I wasn't ready to wean, and he isn't ready to wean, but we have to for my mental health. I can't believe I have to quit nursing him at two and a half, and I've been crying about that too--I will miss our sweet nursing bond and must accept that he is growing up and on without me. We are down to nursing for nap and a little bit at bedtime, as much as I can stand. Soon that will be cut out. One day soon will be the last time I nurse him, and I want to sob even typing that. It's been the one thing we have shared and the main comfort for him since he was born and it is hard for me to accept that it's almost over, even if I need it to be.

We still don't know what to do about bedtime. We are doing a mixture of cuddling and singing to him at this point, as well as frustratingly telling him to PLEASE get back in bed, lay quietly, go to sleep, don't throw your stuffed animals... Sleep is not going well. We just need to stick it out but I wasn't prepared for changing our norm so quickly (nursing to sleep) and all the changes are probably frustrating for him too--new bedtime routine, new sister, busy mommy. It's a lot for me to deal with and I'm an adult!

Rebekah is growing and changing and even at two weeks old looks so different from her newborn pictures! I am in love with her, with her and Reuben. He's the best big brother, very gentle, already wanting to share his toys and food even when I keep reminding him she's too small. He loves her. I am sure she will grow to adore him too! Seeing them share such a sweet bond fills my heart with joy.

That is week two. Two weeks of her being here. And next week real life begins as daddy returns to work and I return to being a full time stay at home mommy--to two wonderful kids, not just one. Pray for me. Pray I can remain calm, manage tasks, nurse a baby, and still give my toddler the attention he needs as a growing child.