I am/was pregnant. And I didn't even know it until Saturday when I took a pregnancy test just to confirm I wasn't because we do barrier method prevention and we hadn't had any mistakes but I was concerned because I had been bleeding for more than a week when my cycle is usually only 3-4 days and I knew something was wrong and I thought it was anemia (due to my alpha gal) or perimenopause because I'm 39. And I was only taking a pregnancy test so I would be able to tell the doctor I wasn't pregnant because I knew they would ask.
It turned positive immediately.
My HCG was 157.9 when bloodwork was ran Sunday night. This was the number 10 days after the start of my period so it must have been much higher! Which it should be higher since I would have been 6-7 weeks pregnant and that is a reading for 4 weeks. So all along I'd been having a miscarriage and didn't even know it. I was also having quite a bit of lower pain in one spot and a home birth midwife I texted with thought I might have been having a ectopic pregnancy so I went to the ER because there is no where else to go and I'm expecting a 8-10k bill now but, I found out it was not ectopic but that I have a ovarian cyst that might have been causing the pain I was experiencing.
They said I am probably having a miscarriage but should do a follow up ultrasound as well as a HCG blood draw to confirm.
I don't even know how to feel. This is terrible. I am sad, but I don't have time to be sad because I have three kids.
I'm going to pee on a pregnancy test again this weekend to see if it turns positive...if it turns positive slowly I'll know my levels are going down or if it isn't positive at all I"ll know it was a miscarriage. I'd rather do that than go back for traumatizing bloodwork.
I'm tired, and heartbroken and numb and angry and exhausted and hungry and broke so I can't even go out and get my favorite comfort foods.
Anyway, I have recently in the last few months just started to think about how to I start to process my 7 miscarriages I've had and how do I move on so I can enjoy a good sexual relationship with my husband, because boy does the thought of having another miscarriage not make me excited about intimacy and I had just thought about how safe it is to use condoms and how much glad I was that this method keeps me safe but still able to enjoy spicy time with hubby... and now this happens! I've had 8 miscarriages now.
I get it, I have to trust God and I still should be able to enjoy being with my husband but honestly I am ready for him to get a vasectomy. I have maybe 15 more years of fertility I mean some people don't go through menopause until 55--and I know at least for me I am going to be very nervous to jump into bed when this was the result. It isn't worth the risk for me to enjoy a little pleasure when I might have a miscarriage and a 8k hospital bill, but I know my husband also would like to enjoy the perks of marriage so I just feel absolutely torn up about it.
These are my blood work results from Sunday night.
My amazing friend Emily texted me that she would bring me food. I hadn't even told her all this stuff was happening but God put me on her mind which is beautiful. I'm glad God is looking out for me when things get horribly hard...that was the one bright spot on this terrible weekend. She made turkey and roasted sweet potatoes and veggies and gravy and everything was absolutely delicious.
I would pick this month to read through Job, and that has helped remind me that it can always get worse. I have never prayed so hard for God to not put me through any more trials for the foreseeable future and no, I definitely am not comparing myself to Job and nor do I ever wish to.
I hope next weekend will be much more uneventful.
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