The Weeks Feel So Long

Here we are again, at the tail end of a long homeschooling week, where I cooked every meal...okay, I didn't make every meal actually I think my husband made one last weekend and Reuben made fries one night...but besides that I did, in fact, cook every meal and clean every floor. 

I feel tired but happy. Sometimes I get down about all the work there is to do. It literally never ends. There is always one more wall I could wipe down (those dirty fingerprints!) or chair to clean, one more corner to dust or thing to put away...but I know now, after 39 years of existing, that this life I have built is a privilege. 

It is a privilege to care for my family, to educate them, to nurture them well and to hopefully rear them to love and honor the Lord. I feel deeply grateful that this week despite my ongoing chronic issues and my own emotional ups and downs...and my spiritual struggles, I was able to take it moment by moment and here I am listening to my happy children jump on the trampoline in the 50 degree weather, a new spring here at our doorstep and...dinner still to plan tonight. Granted, many moments were chaotic and crazy and I remain certainly humbled in my motherhood. 

There was a toddler tantrum today when we had to leave the pool. And one of my kids walloped another kid in the face and there were many tears shed and arnica administered. I would have given said child pulsatilla if I'd had it...but I didn't. And there was a rush to make lunch because everyone was hungry after swimming...but we made it through afternoon school today and all is well in the dawn of a new spring and the excitement of a empty afternoon of playtime. 

It was a good day and I won't let the things I didn't get done ruin it. We had beauty, we made memories and we read books. Perfection couldn't dream any bigger.

But the week did feel very long. Day after day, the same rotation of to-do. Breakfast, devotions, dishes, homeschooling. Piano, laundry, pleasure reading (Treasure Island!) and playtime, if it isn't raining, hopefully outside. It rained a lot this week. 

Tomorrow promises even more beauty! It is forecast to be 66 degrees where we live and that sounds heavenly. I need to start planning a garden. Dare we do it? Dare we try to grow something with a toddler and chronic fatigue? Maybe this year I will dare. My 10 year old can probably do a lot of it on his own and he wants to, too. And life is never perfect. Perhaps the lesson my children and I need to learn this year is how to live amidst very real and very challenging imperfections... well, we have those every year but I'm not getting any younger and my health, even as I devote more and more time to it...seems to be on a slow but definitely downward trend. 

The kids with their Paper Sloyd creations <3

Some months I have a week of good health. Some years I have a month of good health. I want to learn to thank the Lord that here I am, still, serving him, even with severe IBS, fatigue, pain, heart trouble, vision problems, diabetes and vein issues. Last week I had an amazing day of health and energy...! It was wonderful. I had energy into the afternoon! I felt human and it was nice to not have to exert so much energy just to exist. 

The good days that are peppered into all the bad keep me going, keep me hoping for another one... the Lord is my strength and I believe he sends me these rainbow days as bright gifts, drops of alabaster in the wreckage that is my life. I don't know what God is doing, and I don't know why I suffer like this, but I will continue to praise him. 

Now I need to go and figure out what's for dinner...I'm thinking salmon, rice, and some type of veggie...

Tuesday Thoughts

I feel like in motherhood I'm either exhausted or my house is a mess and I haven't brushed the toddler's hair in who knows how long. Is there a middle ground? Sometimes I'm exhausted AND my house is a mess. It's probably because I have a chronic illness. And a two year old. 

We just got back from back to back piano lessons. My daughter (age 8, Year 2) is doing the Suzuki method and then we fly across town for my son's (age 10, Year 5) lessons. They both have such amazing piano teachers who suit their personalities and challenge them...but almost every Tuesday I wonder why I am doing this again. I do think music is important, but so is my sanity. 

Reuben has achieved a new high in the Equipping Mind Cognitive Brain Program. By this I mean he has quit sulking, pouting and complaining and seems to be enjoying it again, and I'm glad to see his spirits thriving. We are six weeks in now, and I am still not sure about it...

It's been a lot of work. And it is very expensive. I think it is helping Reuben but I am not sure this is the best program for Becky...I always feel as a mom I am making the wrong decision, and failing my children. This reaction in me is so irritating! Why can't I trust myself? Also, I'm human and allowed to make mistakes too. But when it comes to my children and their education I hate feeling helpless and seeing them stuck. I remember feeling that way as a child and wondering what was wrong with me and I never wanted them to go through that. 

I know I need to pray more and lean into God and his heavenly mercies. I do trust God. But what if I'm missing something? What if I needed to wait and things would be fine? Every week I ask myself if this is the right step for my children and every week we keep going. I told Reuben when he asked if he was better yet, that well, if it doesn't work that's okay, we will have found something that didn't work and that will bring us one more step closer to what should work. I just don't want to unnecessarily torture my children with burdensome curriculums...

We have started on the Einstein Reading Program by Jill M. Ham, from the Children's Dyslexia Center of Georgia. It's so great. Kristel Knaus is who we are using for cognitive brain therapy and she gave us six weeks of the Einstein Program, and I can't for the life of me figure out if there is more of it. Kristel says there is but she doesn't have it. So, I messaged Jill M. Ham last week and I am still waiting to hear back if I can purchase more of it...Jill responded right away when I texted her last week but she hasn't responded since even though I sent a follow up message. Going to give it a few days--maybe she's traveling or there is an illness in her family... I do love this program though. It makes spelling, writing and reading fluid and very streamlined AND the lessons are straightforward and easy to understand for me, which is a relief. I can't find anything about this program when I google it! I think this lady made it up on the fly and isn't even selling it anywhere! Egads! I must have it. When something works, and is made well... it's so frustrating when it is inaccessible! 

Anyway, after we got home from piano I ate an entire chocolate bar and Reuben is downstairs making brownies for his cooking lesson and I've already broken up three fights between the girls while typing this. We still have afternoon subjects--only one today, I'm supposed to do paper sloyd. I want to lay in bed and drink tea, but I think I will power through and THEN lay in bed and drink tea and read a novel with my kids. We are almost done with Winter Holiday and I love it. Will Nancy ever get better from the mumps? The kids and I are hooked. I'm reading that one aloud but we are also listening to Treasure Island on audio. Good books feed the soul. 

I need some adult book recommendations for myself. I have been reading Phineas Redux but I've gotten tired of it. What should I try next? I love Anthony Trollope but please if he has to talk about parliament for one more chapter I think I might fall asleep. I liked the one about the Eustace Diamonds better. She was a narcissist, wasn't she, but I wanted her to end up happy. I don't think she did. 

Apparently that character, Lizzie, is also in Phineas Redux but I cannot get over how angry I am about the last book, Phineas Finn, which had a character that I loved in it and they killed her off in the first chapter of Phineas Redux. And she was the sweetest! And most patient!! Ugh! I can't get over it. Why, Trollope, why, do you have no heart? Livid is an apt way to describe my mood after reading that! Perhaps that is why I can't get into Phineas Redux. I won't contextualize so I don't spoil the story too much, if you haven't read it... 

I need to go clean something to work off my ire over that book. Oh, I need to clean anyway because I have three kids and a type-A personality. 

And paper sloyd is calling...it's a wonderful thing to have leftover soup for dinner and a pre-teen who is making brownies for tea. 

I Stand With Erika Kirk

I have been thinking about this for a long time. When Charlie Kirk was shot, I honestly didn't know who he was. I thought he was Ben Shapiro, I got the two of them confused and they don't even look like each other, but it's the truth...I also got Matt Walsh mixed up in there with them! I had seen a few of each of their (short form content) videos and as they both talked about politics and I never followed any of them it all kind of ran together. 

It has been five months since Charlie Kirk was shot and I have watched many of his videos and heard about him many times on the news since. I am grieved that there is so much controversy and conspiracy over his death! I want justice for Charlie Kirk and my inquisitive heart also wants clarity. 

I also know who Candace Owens is and honestly, I really like her. I like how she does her own thing and tries to stands up for truth. If you have seen any of her videos you can tell she absolutely believes what she is saying and doesn't hold back on her investigative journalism. She stands apart from conservative and liberal news agencies as somewhere in the middle... I have been following her reporting on Charlie's death and I definitely believe that Tyler Robinson was involved somehow but I don't think he pulled the trigger. There are many odd things about that case and I am hopeful we will live to see true justice for Charlie carried out here on earth. I think Candace has a right to look into this and she's perfectly poised in the media world to delve into the nitty gritty of Charlie's assassination. 

I know that God knows exactly what happened on September 10th when Charlie was shot, and that in the end, God wins. He will bring Charlie's murderer to justice on his own time. 

"Nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light."(Luke 8:17)

God is working, and I believe and trust in him. 

This brings me to the ongoing controversy, between Erika Kirk and Candace Owens. 

I don't think Erika Kirk had anything to do with Charlie's death. And I don't think Erika has any ulterior or hidden motives in her past or present. 

I think Erika is suffering. She deeply misses her husband. She knows that Turning Point USA was highly cherished by him. And she thinks that by working hard to make his dream a reality she is keeping him alive...there is probably much more complexity behind her choice to assume the role of CEO of Turning Point, yet I feel the crux of it is either Charlie planned for her to take over after his death, or Erika thinks she is fulfilling his dreams/wishes. Her husband is dead, and she does not want to see him dream die with him. 

I also think Erika loves working. She loves to be busy. She's owned businesses before and she's a savvy businesswoman! She needs people around her who will encourage her to rest and take care of her family. Charlie, I am sure, loved his kids and his wife more than Turing Point USA. 

One of the problems is that Charlie, and Erika also--are both public figures. It is hard to grieve publicly. Being in the public eye is to be under intense scrutiny. The public can turn on you in a second. And the media plays a big part in that. 

I have seen the videos of Candace Owens coming out against Erika. The hard thing is--Erika is both a grieving widow and the CEO of Turning Point USA. These two things should not exist simultaneously. No one, after the public execution of their husband, should be working in an office mere weeks after such an atrocity. She shouldn't be helping his staff heal or telling them in meetings to take time off. She is in the midst of trauma and she needs, desperately, to have space to breathe and process. 

I think--that Erika is a Martha. You know, the Mary-Martha story--I'm oversimplifying here, but I think Erika, like Martha, likes to work. I also like to work. I like to be busy. Being still in the middle of a tragedy makes it worse. Ignoring it and working, and telling myself I am doing the right thing, even if I know it's wrong--it's easier. That is what I see in Erika. Someone who thinks she has to keep going. For Charlie, and for herself. It isn't that she has some underhanded plan. There is no subterfuge behind her actions. She is simply a human woman who is flawed and needs deep healing. I don't mean to say she can ever "heal" from the loss of her husband but she needs space to process what she has been through and she needs rest with her family and children. 

If Erika was my friend, I would tell her to go away somewhere for a year and just exist. Be with family and friends. Make waffles for your kids in the morning. Cry. Watch Elizabeth Elliott videos--her husband was murdered too. She has wise, wise words for hurting souls. 

You can't put a band-aid on a wound like the loss of your dearest friend, your husband, your solider in the midst of the world, the father of your children and your pillow confidant. Charlie was that and more to her.

Who Erika dated in the past doesn't matter. Stop digging up her past. I'm sure Charlie knew it. I don't see any red flags or issues with her past. Clearly she had problems and sin in her life before she was saved. Clearly she needs Jesus now just as much as she did as a 22 year old. 

I think Candace wants someone to blame. Candace loves the truth. But she can also fixate on supposed idiosyncrasies that are just life. A picture moved in Charlie's office doesn't mean they were on the brink of divorce. Erika saying she "lived in China" and then saying she was "just on a trip" isn't a big deal. I don't see any issues there, no hidden agenda, just a nuance of words. 

Candace is a conspiracy theorist, and there are a lot of conspiracy theories that are true. But just like police officers struggle with identifying innocent people because they see so much crime, I think here Candace is struggling to see normal grief because she deals with so many conspiracies. And obviously Candace and Erika are very different people, and I think Candace doesn't recognize the idea that grief can look so different. 

I think Erika is the wrong rock to look under. Candace can be wrong too. Candace has a hard time with that...she so desperately wants to find the why and the how behind her dear friend Charlie's death that she's burning bridges without thinking. 

So I stand with Erika. I may disagree with her actions after her husband death but I stand with her, grieve with her, and pray daily for her and her children.   

What do you think? 

Budget Feb 14-27 2026

Esther helped with the budget this week.

Last week and this coming week I was determined to not pull out any money from savings. Can we do it? We better, because we need to save money not spend it. 

Here is what we spent.

Feb 14-20th, Budget: 1,150

• Credit Card Payment: $300
• Electric Bill $266
• iCloud $10
• Hot Yoga $95
• Tithe 
• Youtube $23
• Walmart $154
• Postmark $23
• Gas $31
• Givens Books $26
• Etsy $88
• Amazon $62
• Bone Broth $30

The total for this week was $981 leaving $169 in the budget for next week. What did I buy on Etsy? I bought cards. I write a lot of letters and I love to have these on hand...the kids use them too. This was a want buy and not a need. I have no excuses. The Given's Book expense was also a want--I took the kids out to hot chocolate there and bought Esther an all-done-with-nursing gift. I do think this small outing was good for the moral of our family. Amazon was three things--a attachable bedside shelf for Becky's bunk bed so she can have her water cup sit next to her in bed and not have to climb up and down, (it's foldable! hopefully it works!!) a pair of bedroom slippers for Becky so her feet won't be cold, and a pack of colored pencils. 

Feb 21-27th, Budget: 1,319

• Save for Raw Milk Payment $100
• Save for Piano Lesson Payment $100
• Save for Cog Brain Payment $100
• Audible $23
• Waterbill $71
• Tithe 
• CRB Phone $25
• Subset $137
• Barton box 3 $415 
• Car Tax Bill $70

I forgot we needed a Barton box soon, or I wouldn't have bought all that underwear for the kids, and one bra for me from Subset. We love this brand tho. They are wedge-free, cotton, and comfortable. If you are prone to wedgies in underwear, check them out. It's perfection. 

But, because of that and buying the Barton box, this leaves $228 for gas and groceries....can we do it?  It will be hard. And I think we need diapers...We are about to go grocery shopping and I'm going to see how much cash I can find to use first! If we go over, it will come out of the $300 savings I was planning on banking up for future purchases next month...but no pulling out of our emergency savings account anymore. I will update this post next week with how we did.

Update Feb 21, 2:30 pm--we spent $100 at Krogers. Yay! Leaving 128 for gas and whatever else we need this week. 

Update Feb 27th, 8 am-- We spent $50 in gas and $50 on a new shelf at target for homeschool book, leaving $28 left in the budget to roll into next week. We didn't pull ANY money out of savings this fortnight and I'm so proud of us! 

Crochet Sweater

I finished my crochet sweater and I love it. It's completely handmade and free-form, no pattern! Of course, I always seem to finish things right when spring blooms, but that's okay. It is still cold enough to get a lot of wear out of. 

This sweater was made from...my desire to make a sweater, obviously, but with no funds for yarn. So I pulled out all the bright colors I had and this is what happened! It took about a year to make. Through weeks of homeschooling and chronic illness and weaning (and gently sleep training) our baby...so many milestones are stitched into this garment.

That's what I see when I look at it--the past year, and all the past projects, of course. Becky's baby blanket is the one that sticks out the most, as it was pink and purple. It actually got ruined and thrown out so it's nice I have the bits of leftover yarn in this sweater to remind me of it. 

And I made a nice dent in my stash. I have too much yarn. And yet, surprisingly, not enough yarn.

Next I need to finish up this sunflower shirt/sweater I am making...I'm so close! I started on it around the same time as this one, and have been working on whatever one sparks my interest. The sunflower sweater was stumping me for a long time but it's time to power through and figure out how to join the flower granny squares I made. 

February Sorrows

I'm weary of the grind recently. We are halfway through cognitive brain development with Reuben and it's lost a lot of the luster to him. I'm struggling to help him capture the spark of challenge and excitement he had in the beginning and it's started to feel like slogging through mud. 

But we persist. It's a good lesson that hard things are worth doing, and not everything that is profitable is fun.

We just purchased Becky's third Barton reading box which is exciting! She's doing well with it, but still struggling with fluency. She's sounding out every word. On every line. 

I wish we had a week off. We do have a month off coming up in April when Reuben finishes his cognitive brain development before Becky starts in May and I'm looking forward to it so much! The kids both have 2 weeks left of school in their perspective terms. Becky is finishing up term 2 of year 2 of Ambleside Online and Reuben is almost done with Term 1 of Year 5...time flies. I'm planning out summer break and wondering what I will fill it with--I'm thinking lots of swimming--between cognitive brain development lessons and barton. Everyone needs a break. I plan to have Becky finish Year 2, and Reuben to be at least halfway done with Year 5 before summer starts, but we will see. I want to finish by May so I may modify Becky's Year 2 so she can finish up...

Yesterday we went to the funeral for little Kemistry, pictured above with Becky holding her. She lived a short three months and will be missed so much...Becky spent almost all yesterday crying and missing her, and we've been talking and mourning all week. 

Death is a hard lesson to learn for any kids, and I would love if you would pray for Cyndi, Kemistry's mother, and Kimberly, my dear friend and her grandmother. She is in the sweet arms of Jesus where we all belong. 

Budget Feb 1-14th

This budget included the last payment for Reuben's cognitive brain development which was a relief. It also included a large credit card payment and our credit card is back to baseline...which is nice. We should have money going forward if we are careful and not idiots. 

I want to start making early payments for Becky's cognitive brain development so we don't get blindsided again. Also I need to start saving for our raw milk payment that comes up in April and Becky's piano that comes in May. We are so blessed to do so many things! God is good

We were blessed to go to Target. Becky had a gift card from her birthday and picked out this baby and some shorts and bought gummy snacks. It was a fun experience! She has named the baby Emily after some deliberation between Mia or Emily, Emily has stuck. 

Feb 1-7

This week the budget was $1,167.

• Pandora subscription $13
• Brian Phone $35
• Internet $20
• Trash pick up $32
• Tithe
• Becky new coat $14
• Credit Card Payment $600
• Walmart groceries $176
• SD card for Reuben's Switch $22

This left $205 to roll over into the next week.

Feb 8-14

This week the budget was $1,362. 

• Piano Reuben for Feb $120
• Tithe
• Credit Card Payment $600
• Azure $417
• Poshmark $39

This left $136 in our budget and I knew that wasn't enough because we had Reuben's last payment of cognitive brain development...so we pulled money out of savings. Which we did last budget and I said I wasn't going to do it this time...but we did. Next few paychecks we will pay back that money. But that is what savings are for. I pulled out $1000 to cover these expenses.

• Cog Brain Development $576
• Kroger 50
• Kinship Roasters $13
• Cava $61
• Our Fathers Farm $55
• Subset $79
• Health Nut Nutrition $49
• The Muse $43
• Homeopathic Consultation $180

This left $42 to roll into the next budget, but I just put it in our savings account when Brian was paid. What a fortnight! Happy Valentines Day! I got some candy for the kids from Azure and I'm so excited to give it to them tomorrow. 

Chronic Fatigue Is Awful

Well, we weaned Esther (it's been a little over two weeks...maybe she nursed once?) and last week I started having chronic fatigue symptoms again. It has been terrible. It's making me miserable and irritable and depressed. I'm trying to stay positive and find things to Thank God for and keep my eyes on the cross but when I can't do basic tasks in my home and making dinner takes all my focus and energy and leaves me feeling like I ran five miles carrying a load of bricks...it's so hard. I am exhausted. It's beyond exhaustion because sleep doesn't help. I get frustrated with my body and with the amount I can do...

I know God is good. He is so good! Even when I die, even 100 years from now when I am all but forgotten. He is so so so good, and I love him. And chronic fatigue is hard, and living with it right now is a struggle.

I am hoping it will go away as my hormones adjust from nursing. I think I remember last time it took two or three months and I had hot flashes and night sweats when I was weaning for a week or two... But I don't remember having chronic fatigue. 

Even more than the chronic fatigue I think something is wrong with my heart. It hurts more, and the top of it feels sore. Sometimes when I am so tired I check my O2 levels and heart rate and its 95 O2 and my heart rate is like 58. I usually have a heart rate in the 70s. So maybe I need to go back to the heart doctor? I don't know. I'm just tired. 

We had an absolute beautiful week though. Reuben got his arch expander off and is able to breathe a bit through his nose. It's not perfect but it's better. We celebrated Becky's best friend's birthday--it was lovely. The girls made rag dolls and had a tea party. It was birthday perfection. I had chronic fatigue on the way there and broke down crying twice but the kids didn't notice, thank goodness. I almost turned around but I made it. And I made it home after and took a two hour nap. I felt so useless. 

the girls with their rag dolls.

We had a lovely potluck with our church family too, a beautiful time of fellowship. God is so good. The kids had a blast and even though my chronic fatigue was there, I tried to keep it together. 

We have a busy week next week so hopefully I can get through this somehow, figure it out. I'm going to try a big mason jar of nettle tea tomorrow with some oatstraw and red raspberry leaf and other herbs. 

I don't know what I need or how to battle this, and I just want to sleep all the time but I have three kids and one is two and needs her mama. They all need their mama. I hope I can be around for them a lot longer then my body feels like it can...

nature group was freezing!

We did not get much homeschooling done this week too, between all the chronic fatigue and busyness. I had two doctor's appointments this week and we had that birthday party I mentioned and nature group. I also had to go to two different stores which we never do...it was a crazy week. I am hopeful that the next one will be more relaxed. 

The weekend is almost over and I need 12 more.