saying goodbye

This weekend I finally came to reality to say goodbye to a few lifelong dreams. One was a lot easier than the other. First I said goodbye to trying to buy a new house. We can't afford it. Our house isn't worth that much and the houses we would need to move into are 100-150k above the price of ours. I laid this dream down at Jesus feet and am renewing my efforts to love this house. I also said goodbye to renovating our kitchen. We can't afford right now to gut the kitchen and install a new one. Instead I said hello to a new dream--what little changes in my house can I make to change it into my dream house? When talking to my husband I asked him to get rid of two mirrors in our kitchen above the sink and replace it with open shelving. I also asked him if we could paint all the cabinets black. Yes, black.You may think I am crazy but I think it would look so good and help blend in. Google "open concept house with black cabinet kitchen" and you'll understand. The kitchen is the first thing you see when you walk into the house and it's crazy and chaotic and an eye-sore. I want it to blend in more. These two things we can totally afford and I think decorating the house I have will go a long way to helping me feel at home.

The last thing I said goodbye to was trying for a new baby. After seven miscarriages I think I need to lay my dream of a large family at Jesus' feet and surrender it. I've gone back and forth so many times and felt so much anguish over this decision. But Jesus has said no, at least in the last 13 years, to me having a large family. I have three wonderful, beautiful children that he has given me to cherish and love and that is what I am saying yes to today. I have 7 beautiful children in heaven I can't wait to meet when I get there. 

My health--both physical and emotional--can't take another miscarriage. It is time to stop trying and enjoy the family I have. It has been patricianly hard to turn from this dream of babies in my forties and growing our family over the next decade or two until menopause sets in. It's been especially hard since Reuben and Becky both say they would love to have another sibling! I have cried over it all week but I know it's the right decision to make and I know it is what is best for our family and for my own mental health. Goodbye dreams of newborns and pregnancy and birth and postpartum and tiny toes and hello to homeschooling and raising the three wonderful babies I do have. 

Esther, the last baby I plan to nurse

I know I'm still married and enjoying all the benefits of marriage so we could have another baby if God wants us to, even with trying to prevent. So that part of the equation is in God's hand and I will work on trusting him.

I will work on being okay with what he has given and enjoying his fruits. I will work on mourning what could have been and what isn't. And I will go on.

How are you all? 

A full week of homeschooling is ahead and I am leaning into it with all my heart.