Monday, June 15, 2015

Pregnancy: the other side of infertility

Sometimes I feel really guilty for being pregnant. I know it sounds crazy, but after two years of infertility I really related to other women who were also struggling. Women who I know are still hurting. Women who wanted babies as much as me and who still don't have them, while I'm walking around 8 months pregnant.

I feel so blessed. Even when I complain, I feel that tightness in my chest that tells me I should just be grateful. Even if I can't poop and my feet turn purple when I sit down, at least I have a baby, right? Right?! Some would give anything to have what I have. Some have given so much of themselves and still don't have what I have.

I was in Panera Bread the other day all pregnant and stuff waiting for a friend, and a table of women next to me were comforting this other lady who was talking about her 20 week stillbirth, and how much she hates seeing pregnant women everywhere. And there I was...all pregnant. I wanted to shout that I understood, that after 3 miscarriages I know what loss is like and I know that heartache. But I didn't say anything. I just realized that I'm on the other side now. I'm one of those pregnant women. No one else can know my story by just looking at me. For all they know I conceived easily on my wedding night, or I might have 10 kids or something. It was a weird moment. I prayed for her and tried to be inconspicuous as you can be when your 8 months pregnant.

Being pregnant after infertility sure is weird. It's humbling and wonderful. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me, and who continues to pray for me. I pray for you too, and the tears come because I have what many desire now. And at times, that's a hard thing to cope with.


Brita Long said...

You are such a loving, beautiful person. I'm obviously thrilled that you're pregnant, and I just KNOW you'll be a wonderful mother. I think it shows great compassion and strength of character that you still care so much for the women still struggling with infertility.

bgarpke said...

You have a beautiful heart, Carolynn.