Friday, January 26, 2018

Rebekah's Birth Story

So I gave birth without medication yesterday at 2am. I was in labor for only three hours from the moment my water broke in bed to crowning. I could not have done it without my husband and doula and without surrendering to myself in a way I never have before.

I've posted in here before about my last birth experience and how I felt ashamed for panicking and choosing an epidural when I gave birth to my son. I have struggled since that birth with feeling like I let myself down, that I wasn't a "good enough mama" to go natural, and that I wasn't "real of enough woman". I no longer feel that way. Honestly, giving birth without medication the second time somehow allowed myself to forgive myself. Actually, forgive isn't the right word. I have a whole different perspective of my first birth because of my second. I no longer feel I need forgiveness or even that I did anything wrong or made wrong choices. I keep crying about this too, birth emotions/hormones are wonderful things, hah. I feel like there are things now that I actually liked about my medicated birth! A few days ago I could not have said that.

And, I feel like there are things I liked about my non medicated 3 hours super birth. I feel like they were both hard and tough and that no matter what kind of birth you choose, there are hills and valleys and fire and brimstone and times where you loose yourself and times where you run at it with all you got and times that you cry out to God to save you or for someone to help you because what is happening to your body is bigger than anything you can imagine.

I used to feel shame over choosing an epidural and I don't any more. I don't feel anything about it but pride that I had a baby. I feel the same way about my non medicated birth. Both times I had a human come out of my body and both times it broke me spiritually and mentally and physically and brought me beyond what I thought I could ever handle and showed me beautiful and scary things about myself.