Wednesday, October 11, 2017

I don't know who I am anymore.

I was reading some old blog posts of mine from 2014 and 2015 and trying to remember who I was back then. I mean, some of the old posts are... funny (I love my 38 week prego post from when I was gestating Reuben). I reread that one and giggled through the whole thing. I also miss the times when I wrote thought provoking posts, like this post where I discuss my thoughts on becoming a new mom and my first foray into mom guilt land. 

I am wondering where that person is. The girl who wrote those posts feels as far from me as if I was reading someone else's blog. I just don't feel like her anymore. Ever since Reuben was born I feel like I've lost myself. I don't mean like Reuben took away all my time or anything like that, I mean like when I birthed him I also morphed into a new person that I no longer know or recognize.

Okay, yes. I do have less time. I have less time for introspection, thought and research. I have less time for myself. I am very busy taking care of a tiny person and my brain is very occupied with hundreds of different things that were not on my radar before a child emerged from my vagina. My time and priorities have changed.

But I have also changed. I've noticed it, slowly, even through it happened all at once. I think I've had to catch up with the changes, maybe that is what has made it all the more shocking. Not only did things change, they did so without my permission and without my notice, dragging me along with them rather I liked it or not.

I mean there are so many things that are different about my life now versus before I had a baby. My relationship with my husband is different. Actually, now that I think about it, my relationship with every person is different. It's like birth changed me and also changed the dynamics of all my friendships and family too. But before, I only noticed the outward differences. Yet inwardly I have changed too. Morally. Emotionally. And I'm having to learn all over again how to articulate my inner voice and how to express myself.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy in the life. There is joy, there is quiet. There is peace. I just feel like I don't know who I am anymore--but maybe I don't need to know. I don't know. Ahhugh. Anyway, I noticed that my blog content changed after birth too. I lost a lot of readers and for the longest time I wondered why. I mean, people come and go. I get that. But I still wondered why. I now think it's because I changed, my content changed, my voice changed.

But into what have I changed...that is the question. Maybe one day I'll have sufficient rest and energy to answer it.