Tuesday, July 18, 2017

I'm not doing well

What do you do when you are at the end of your mom rope? This is week five or six of survival mode. Nauseousness is becoming my new normal. Reuben has not been sleeping well. Right now we are both sick; Daddy has been working 11 hour days and I just realized yesterday that I need help.

I need help but I don't know where to find it. All my friends are also exhausted overworked moms. My sister just had a baby and I can't even take care of myself right now, much less help her. My mom has chronic lyme and is also in need of help I can't give. Everyone needs help! We all need help but I'm still slowly drowning over here.

I'm so behind on everything. I feel like I will never be caught up. Every day I get through the day and my toddler is fed and usually I am fed and that is it. I feel like I am intellectually and emotionally starving. I have not been able to work on my book, knit, crochet or make a video. I miss those parts of myself because they were cathartic.

Everything feels insurmountable. Dishes? I get ill looking at them. It takes all day to have the energy to do them sometimes. I am so tired all of the time. I don't function well on little sleep. I have not had alone time with my husband in weeks, since Reuben is refusing to go to bed until we do. I don't have the energy to fight him every night, when my "morning sickness" is the worst and I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. 

I feel like my life is on replay. I watch Reuben and try to connect with him and try to nap when he naps and watch way to much TV and get annoyed with him because he has to touch everything all the time and specifically he has to be touching me and nothing makes my anxiety skyrocket then sticky toddler fingers in my hair. The poor dude is sick too, and thus wanting to nurse extra.

I love nursing. Well, I loved nursing when I wasn't pregnant. Now it is kind of like a slow torture. I don't even know if I am making any milk to help him!

Well, then daddy gets home and we both collapse on the couch and eat whatever I made or usually what he brought for dinner and I cry inwardly from exhaustion while he changes Reuben's diaper and we watch more TV because we can't function.

I'm not fuctioning.

I love being a mom. I love Reuben, I love that we are being blessed with a new baby. But I am so mentally and physically tired. I don't know how to pull myself out of this hole. I am trying to fall on my face before God but I am even too tired to do that most days! It does not help that I am bad at accepting help from others. I feel like I bother them, like I'm some giant inconvenience. The further I get behind the more guilt I feel. We've been missing church and small group--connections as an extrovert that I really need not to miss! Last week our washing machine AND our mower broke. Our budget is shot. Everything feels out of control.

new lawn mower
Lately I've just felt...that I can't do this anymore. That something has to change. But I don't know what, where, or when or how. I feel like I'm failing as a wife, a friend, a mother, and as a creative person.

Reuben also turned two yesterday and I was too sick to take him anywhere to celebrate. I still have his cake to make him, he's excited to make it with me. He doesn't know he's two. When I ask him how old he is, he says "two in July" because that is what I have told him for the last six months when anyone asks. I always said "he turns two in July". It is so cute. He really makes me happy. If only he wasn't so high maintenance sometimes! I have no idea how he is going to cope with sharing mommy and daddy with a new tiny human. My gut tells me it is going to be a huge adjustment for him, just like I am sure it will be for me.

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