Tonight I am sitting here wondering...what makes a good mother? I feel like a failure.
Yesterday was horrible. Today was horrible.
It's just so HARD sometimes. Reuben, my 13th month old son, is currently asleep and I'm upstairs, crying into a bowl of ice-cream. But its a "tomorrow is another day, I'll start over" kinda
cry, not a "I've given up" one. I hope I never give up. He's worth it. I'm worth it. My family is worth it.
But if only he didn't require so much attention at all the wrong moments. If only I was a more patient mom. If only he listened more. Or could talk. Or didn't want to nurse all the time or if only he actually ate his breakfast and why are there always dishes and the floor is dirty and my husband can't find his socks and IF ONLY everyone and everything would STOP for two seconds maybe I could actually...
Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning. And it's a slow drown. The kind of drown where I have time to think that someone could rescue me if they weren't also drowning. Like my busy husband--if he tries to help, I only push him down in the water more. We both need to stay afloat. Someone has to hold this family together.
And of course, "the guilt" is like an anchor around my neck because I need help.
Have I covered everything? Need I say more?
I fail every day. Sometimes horribly. Sometimes in little ways. We are all human. We all fail.
I try not to drown in guilt. Ice cream, on the other hand, is a perfect medium to smother your frustrations in on quiet evenings when everyone is finally asleep.
Please, let them stay asleep.
Oh, because when I fail I need Jesus.
I need Him to remind me I'm not in this alone. He will hold me up in the water. And if I drown, he will be there to help me find peace right there on the bottom of the ocean.
I need to make time with him a priority. On the good days its easy. But on the bad--survival sometimes takes precedent over my morning devotions. I want to show God he has my heart on the good and the bad days.
I also need to accept His grace. As a christian, God paid for my sins. This does not excuse them. I still need to own up my actions. But I can bask in the knowledge that my sins are forgiven and not wallow in guilt.
Tomorrow is another day. I can greet the morning trying to make the best out of a hard situation or I can have a selfish attitude and fight my way through the day.
I can choose to greet that morning.
No matter what it brings--a sick child, a clogged commode, a unforeseen bill--Jesus already knows.
I know I will fail on the morrow.
But I can choose, and I choose His grace to cover me.