Wednesday, March 4, 2015

20th Week Update Blog

I don't know what this post should be called. A look into my highly in inefficient coping mechanisms due to (potentially) life altering medical situations? Something like that.

So, last week we learned that we are having a boy. Yay, a boy. Now lets move on to what's been making me hyperventilate for the past few days. During the ultrasound the technician discovered I have marginal placenta previa. What is that? You are as clueless as me? Well, it means that my placenta is to close to my cervix. A normal placenta (according to my goggling) is supposed to be halfway between the top of your uterus and the bottom (cervix) at your 20 weeks appointment.

I have grade two placenta previa right now, categorized as minor.

This is scary because I remember them saying at my first ultrasound in my first trimester that my placenta was fine. Which means it has moved down, not up like a normal...person. Why can't I ever be a normal person?!

Anyway, I wish someone had told me I was as a higher risk for placenta previa, due to the multiple miscarriages I've had. The other factors that put you at risk are being over 35 (I'm not) having had a c-section in a previous pregnancy (I haven't) and smoking and drugs (never). So perhaps I wasn't that high of a risk. But I wish someone had mentioned this. Maybe. I don't know.

It's never happened to anyone I know. Don't people always say that? But yeah.

Anyway, I have another ultrasound in 8 weeks to find out if my uterus grows correctly and pushes my placenta up. (the placenta doesn't actually move...but my uterus grows and this can change where it happens to be) There are three things that can happen at the next ultrasound.
  • If it moves up, I'm okay. I will have another ultrasound before delivery to make sure it didn't move back, depending on how far my uterus has pushed it to make sure I can go ahead with my vaginal delivery. This would be the best option.
  • It might stay in the same place. This means I would have to wait another 8 weeks, putting me at 36 weeks gestation--and I would have to check again. If it doesn't move I'll have a low risk c-section close to my due date.
  • It might go lower. This would put me basically into a full placenta previa. I would need to have a c-section before going into labor, and could have other complications like bleeding and needing to be hospitalized.
I am terrified of surgery and needles. Absolutely stone cold terrified. A c-section is basically my worst fear. I don't even know if I will need one yet (but they were pretty sure I might, because of how it has grown lower since the first ultrasound) but after I learned about this I basically cried. All day.

And the next day. I honestly don't know what I will do if I have to have a c-section. I've researched and written a birth plan for my dream birth (totally natural) and now I'm going to write one for a c-section because I want to be prepared and informed. But the thought of having one fills me with fear and terror and makes me want to run away and hide in a corner but I can't because this baby boy has to come out somehow, and I would like to live to see him. But instead of looking forward to meeting him I feel like I'm carrying a ticking time bomb.

Anyway, please don't leave me a comment about how I should "just be happy about having a healthy baby". I am very happy about having a healthy baby. I am not happy about having major surgery and a c-section that requires needles, antibodies, pain medication, increased risk of failing at breastfeeding, harder recovery, increased risk of hormone imbalance, and more expensive bills. Oh, and also increased risk of me dying. Because placenta previa is very serious when it is fully covering your cervix at stage 4. This thing I'm going through isn't really about my baby. He will be okay. He has my husband to take care of him, and I WILL be bringing organic formula to the hospital in case it is needed. It's kinda about me. And my dreams of me birthing my baby myself drying up before my eyes. Of being the first one to see him. The first one to hold him.

Oh, and did I mention that you can't have sex when you are diagnosed with any stage of placenta previa?

Well now you know. I would love some prayers on this issue, that God's will is done and that I am able to cope with whatever is necessary. Because I know I'm being melodramatic. Help.

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