Familiar Convictions

We are having that conversation again. The one where I go, I feel like I don't do anything for you. And where he starts listing off all the things I do. But then, I always say, I couldn't do any of those things, if you didn't provide income to pay for it. And he is silent. Silent because he can't think of what to say, what I need. Silent because I don't know how to tell him what I'm asking, what I need to hear.

He finishes with a you are just you. What you do for me is you love me; sentences that to me sound contrived and easy, something said when nothing else is left--not real, not true. Because I want to be needed. I have to know that something I do in this marriage is equal to what he does. I don't want to be a burden.

If he didn't work 12 hours a day, if he didn't bring home money--I wouldn't be able to cook. I wouldn't be able use the water to wash our laundry. I wouldn't be able to follow my dreams of becoming a famous knitting designer or blogger and work for myself. He pays all the bills. He gives me money to buy all the food. I'm unworthy...

We drop the conversation. But inside I'm struggling. Something in me yearns to know that I matter. That I am contributing enough to deserve him. I want to be equal to my husband. I want to know that I am worthy of his love, and that I am returning, equally, the substance he gives me. Money for money. Or at least something comparable. Because then I won't be a burden. Then I won't be another rope around his neck.

My heart is troubled. My husband can tell I'm upset about something, so the next day buys me flowers. This just makes me feel worse, because now he is exercising his free time and his money just to make me feel better. If I felt okay, he wouldn't need to do this.

That Sunday I went to church, my spirit still heavy. Then the pastor started taking, and God got my attention. He went over how much God loves us. How he sent his son to die for us, how he adores us and sends us his joy. And about how there is nothing we could ever do to deserve his love.

And I thought, how many times have I tried to pay God back with good deeds and promises? Good deeds are good. But all of me belongs to God. Giving him anything is just giving him something he already owns. I can never repay him, I will never be enough. And when God saves me, he no longer sees me as something dirty, as something unequal to his love. No, he elevates me to become his child, a child of God. And nothing I ever do will make me deserve that.

In my pew I cried. Because the same goes for my husband. No matter what I do, even if I win the lottery and give my husband handfuls of money or buy him his favorite car or never burn another meal...it will never be enough to repay him for the love he has given me. Because my husband does not view me as unequal. He supports what I do. To my husband, my love is enough for him. This goes in tandem with what God wants. He wants me to love Him. And God wants his love to be enough for me.

Amazing Blog Swap!

My friend Heidi from Typative Mama Cat and I decided to do a little e-mail and blogging swap in December! I loved getting to know Heidi more and hearing about her love story and learning about her two adorable daughters. She's one of my favorite writers, and I also enjoy her blog. I can tell she puts a lot of time in creating fun content. Heidi mainly blogs about writing (she has new novel coming out at the end of Jan that I will be purchasing and reviewing on my blog!) and motherhood, and currently, about dragons, because her new novel is titled Dragons Curse. 

Anyway, Heidi's package was amazing! My favorite things were the tea, notebook, stocking and lip balm she sent. I love tea and the fact that the Christmas Morning flavor was something I'd never tried before made me really excited. I immediately put the kettle on and brewed some and it was amazing! Thank you.

She also sent me two skeins of chunky yarn that I am going to make a cowl out of, and two books. And she crochet me a dragon. What kind of person crochets someone a dragon? An amazing person, that's who. Someone who appreciates fantasy and fiber art--just like me! The dragon is currently sitting on a shelf on my bed.

Thank you Heidi for the amazing swap! Hugs!

Knitting

This week I created a four-in-one pattern. A glove pattern that lets the user knit one of four types of gloves, as mittens, fingerless, half-finger, or full fingered.

I worked really, really hard on this pattern. Knitting up all the samples was annoying, but it really helped me flesh out my rounds. The four-way gloves knitted tutorial is available for free download here!

I also created my first kid item: a dino egg hat! This hat will fit a boy or girl from age 4-8, depending on head size. You can download the free PDF file from Ravelry and knit your own speckled dino egg hat!

I've been having a super super super fun time knitting. Everything. I have so many more ideas, from a scarf with piano keys on it to pineapples on fingerless mitts, and...I think I'm addicted. Anyone else have this problem?