Monday, May 24, 2021

I have forgotten how to laugh

I don't know if its 2020, battling lyme, giving up the dreams of my large family, missing my babies who are in heaven, the political climate of America, Gen Z, or the fact that target is selling 80s clothing again...but I'm going through something. 

At first I thought it was depression. Remember last year when I swore I wasn't depressed? I wasn' (I just had Lyme disease) but I might be now. Life doesn't look like what I thought it would this year and I haven't been happy. 

Life is a lot of work. A lot of work. Housework every day, homeschooling, meal planning, driving here and there, budgeting, making it to church on time. It is exhausting. I think I am trying to do too much. Now that it is summer, I am determined to plan our second year of homeschooling with REST and SIMPLICITY in mind. I keep having nothing in my basket for myself. No time to sit. I don't know where the time goes, but it is flowing through my fingers like sand. 

Another thing is my health. It is so hard to have a headache almost every day. It wears on me. I could cry just thinking about it. I am trying some homeopathic remedies and a headache balm that helps. Right now my lyme, THANKFULLY is in remission, something I am eternally grateful to God for. I can function. I can cook and clean for the most part. Already I have had 3 or 4 tick bites this season, so I am a little scared it will come back. Reuben has had ticks too, and Becky. Everyone but hubby! 

One of the biggest issues is that I feel like I have to be happy all the time. I don't want to let the people down in my life with my bad attitudes or frustration. 

But the thing is right now I don't know how to be happy. I'm upset I can't have more babies, that the big family I dreamed of will not be. I am upset that my head hurts every day and I still struggle with fatigue from lyme. I am upset by my limitations, health issues that did not exist in 2019. I feel like a cripple sometimes. I'm lonely, but also I am struggling with feeling good about my home so I don't want people to come over. I am totally overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I own and have to keep track of on a daily basis. I both hate and love the internet and really want to live without it but am not quite how to do that anymore! 

What is my new normal? With Lyme disease and chronic health issues? There are things I have to do, but what if I can't do them? I don't know. No one knows. 

Even without the overwhelming health issues, the normalcy of life is overwhelming. Each new stage my children enters is SO HARD but also why are they growing up so fast??! I need things to slow down so I can contemplate my own existence and try to order my thoughts, but every time I try to make time for that someone poops and needs wiped or my kids start fighting or I burn something I was trying to cook or remember that the dishes won't do themselves. 

Before I bore you with how horrible my life is... (it isn't) (I'm just sad and don't know why) (because life is totally awesome I mean I'm not dead so there is that)

...there have been some good things. Oh, many wonderful things that have brought joy to my heart. One, I bought us all matching jackets. I love them. It makes me so happy and we wear them all the time because we are all still cold here. 

Two, this man and this little girl wearing the dress my mother put me in when I was a little girl. 

Also, I love God, and he is good to me. I shouldn't complain and I shouldn't be unhappy. But I am, and I am also working on it by trying to read my bible, pray, and garden. Somehow getting down on my knees in the dirt for an hour wrestling with weeds helps. It seems to be the only thing that does. 

I feel even more guilt when I read Job. All he went through and he mourned but I don't remember him being angry. Perhaps I should reread it. I definitely don't want Job's life but I also don't want mine sometimes, so I am not sure how this helps.

I wish I could put a finger on what exactly was wrong so I could pull it apart and fix it. Am I not submitting to God enough? Too much of my own sinful will? Or unmet expectations that I should not have had in the first place? How do I navigate this. I don't know. But I guess life will go on without my mental clarity and perhaps the headaches are trying to tell me something. 

At least 2021 has been a lot better. 

I wish I knew what it was that I wanted. I actually miss myself. I used to be funny.

No comments: