Saturday, April 11, 2020

Divisive

Divisive. That is how week four of quarantine felt.

I am lonely. Video calls with friends are just not the same. My children need the park.

This week Virginia decided to cycle through all four seasons in one day--a fact that I apparently had trouble handling. Friday we woke up to snow flurries that turned into fall that turned into spring by the afternoon while summer was still in full bloom outside. It was weird. Everyone felt cross putting sweaters and coats on, especially the toddler. I was suddenly aware of how much the weather does indeed sway my mood. The children didn't want to go outside because cold, while mother definitely did want them to go outside. We tried walking while everyone (except mommy) complained bitterly about how cold they were.

It's Saturday now and even colder outside than it was yesterday, so the kids are watching Blippi while I hide in my room with tea.

I have had mental health issues this week. My husband, who I love, has been working from home and unfortunately listening to me parent. This sparked a generous flood of parenting advice. It did not go well. 


Several times he happened to come downstairs and "caught" me trying to take a break while the kids tore up the house. THAT on top of the "parenting advice" (which mainly was "don't let the kids do this / pay more attention / why is everything a mess / why is crying happening) also did not go well. How does he think I get a break when he is not here? I can laugh about it now, but I have decided that 1) my husband does not give advice in a understanding way, and 2) He would do the same thing if he was locked up with two kids forEVER. But yeah, we all need grace and I certainly needed some from both God and my husband this week. 

I am definitely struggling with some depression. 

But God is still good.


Three of the hardest things this week:

1) Watching the political debates go down on Facebook. I need to get off and stay off. Help. I'm so over how angry everyone is. I'm angry at the angry people.

2) Our washing machine is still broke. Everything is dirty, and I am frustrated. 

3) Trying to keep everyone clean and fed and the house in some sort of order. Why is this so hard? I don't remember it being so hard "before" covid-19.

I have been watching Austin movies after the kids go to bed and I find it strange that I relate to the mothers in the story. In Mansfield park, I am the exhausted mom who married for love. In Pride and Prejudice, I am Mrs. Bennett with my overabundance of sharing. Can we laugh until we cry about it? I was shocked to see myself in characters I had all but ignored or chuckled over in the past.

I don't want to be Mrs. Bennett or Fanny's mother. I want to be Elizabeth and have a dashing young man read me poetry. 

Life is full of surprises. 

How are you all doing? Ready to blow some stimulus money on a Hawaiian vacation? This is a joke. We will be spending ours on bills.

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