As I prepare to homeschool, I am more
and more aware of how little time I will have for other interests.
When I became a mother, my circle shrank. At first I resented it.
Here was this tiny human getting in the way of everything I wanted to
do, everything I used to do—taking up all my “free time” with
their diaper changes, cuddling, nursing, mother-needing desires. I
struggled with feeling lost, with the weirdness that comes from
losing part of myself. Assuming the insurmountable calling of
parenthood is a life altering moment. Just like the caterpillar
becomes a butterfly, the girl becomes a mother. She can't be a
caterpillar again. It is both beautiful and tragic.
Somewhere between my first and second
baby, I grew to love motherhood. And now, as I am only a few weeks
pregnant with my hopefully third baby (but seventh pregnancy) I am
becoming again. I am changing because we have decided to
home-school, and the insurmountable task of educating my children is
bending and molding me to its shape. I don't know what I am becoming
yet, but ask me in six years. I might know at that time.
I will learn to be my child's teacher,
counselor, principle, nurse, gym instructor and cafeteria worker.
These roles within school walls are filled each with a different
person, but I, a mother—will do them all. I alone (at least in the
beginning) will be responsible for seeing that my child learns.
It's terrifying. And also exhilarating.
I chose to home-school because we can
afford it. We pinch pennies so I can stay home and I am glad we are
blessed enough with my husbands job that there are pennies to pinch.
I choose to homeschool because my son
is worth it. I don't want him confined to a desk from 9-3, with a
half hour for recess. I don't want an education in four walls that
will try and teach him with artificial experiences (textbooks,
digital screens, worksheets) when we can go out and see and touch and
interact with reality.
I know no school is perfect and mine
will be far from so. But I also know that teaching is just an
extension of parenting. I know can teach my child, and that being
home with me and his siblings is far better then being lost in a
class of 25 with one tired, underpaid teacher and some posters of
fish.
Okay, I'm tired and underpaid too. But
I have a chance. A chance to cultivate the wonder and beauty of
adventure in my children by education them at home, listening to
their needs and adapting a curriculum for them, creating games and
structured play, and fostering a atmosphere of love and trust in our
family.
And I am not giving that away.
So today I mourn my free time, which
dwindled as I became a mother and is dwindling still farther as I
become a homeschooler. My priorities will be teaching my kids,
creating a flow to my day that includes cooking and cleaning, yet
also instruction for my son and other children as they come of age. I
am excited and I am sad. We used to go out in the morning, that time
was for play dates. But the play dates will dwindle to weekends as
our instruction begins.
It would be so easy to place my
children in school and claim my free time. But my children are worth
it, and I will learn to fall in love with homeschooling just as I
fell in love with motherhood. I know this is the right path for my
family. I know this is the right path for my son, who loves learning
from me and naturally has already accepted me as his teacher. He is a
wonder to teach. I am sure all my kids won't be as easy, nor perhaps
will he always be, but for this anxious and questioning mother who
feels inadequate to educate her son—he is a blessing and just what
I need. God knew what he was doing when he placed this dream of
self-education in my heart, and he knew what he was doing when he
gave me my firstborn, Reuben. I need to trust him—he knows All. He
will be enough for me and my family on this journey, and he will be
the cornerstone of all my educational desires.
So, would you guys be interested in
seeing my Kindergarten Charlotte Mason lesson plans? I'm starting
Kindergarten with Reuben in April due to this pregnancy, so I can
take a break when the baby comes. I'm creating weekly lesson plans
for myself to follow so I can just easily grab and go and not worry
about the planning stage when we are in the grind.
