Friday, August 16, 2019

Struggling with Continuity

I've been struggling lately.

I wanted to write a blog post about how my husband has been working 10-12 hour days but frankly I don't want to whine about it anymore.

Becky is still waking up every 2-3 hours to nurse.

It seems I can never catch up. I feed my kids really good food but I am exhausted and worn out and never see my friends or brush my hair. I can see my friends but feed the kids take out, spending money we don't have and giving everyone stomachaches because of our severe food allergies. I can take care of myself and feed the kids but can't leave the house and texts go unanswered and my bible sits gathering dust.

I've had life crises before; usually something has to go. I pare back, buckle down. Give something up.

But I don't think there is anything I can give up. I need to feed my kids healthy meals. I mean, we do easy stuff. Bagels or oats for breakfast, sandwich and veggies for lunch, and I cook for dinner.

I need to read my bible and spend time with God. I need alone time for my own spirit and creativity. I need community with friends and fellowship. I need to prioritize my husband and help him feel special and loved. I need to take care of our family, clean our home, and raise the children.

I need to not fall to pieces.

I am struggling with finding balance.  

A few weeks ago my husband was bit by about 15 micro ticks. It may have been 12, but it was more than 10 and less than 20 so I'm just going with 15 for now. It was awful. I spend three days panicking, a week researching and buying books. And now four (ish?) weeks later I've read Healing Lyme and compiled our protocol to start. He's also on 2 weeks of doxy, so we have all our basis covered. But so many ticks. I know we found at least 30 on him, some just crawling around.

Poor husband. I plan to do the herbal protocol too because I've long thought I might have lyme, but who knows. Ticks...on top of my husband working late just pushed everything over the edge. I have felt unable to cope, alone, overwhelmed, stressed, angry, tired...for days and days.

Last weekend my husband suggested that we take a mini vacation with the kids to Washington to visit some museums. I had to tell him no. I couldn't add a vacation (which to me is just working hard at being a parent in another area) on top of struggling with everything else! It was the biggest argument we have had in awhile.

Husband was confused why a vacation wouldn't be relaxing to me. I explained to him that it would take all my work but transport it to a unfamiliar place where I would probably get less sleep due to kids being in a hotel, where I would wear myself out walking around with children who would be over excited. Our last vacation to the beach left me sick for two weeks from an accidental gluten overdose. I didn't want to risk it and I also didn't want to try to cook and haul food around for two days. Brian had been working so much that what I really needed was help at home, help where I felt like I was drowning.

I tried to tell him that while he could take a vacation from his work, I woke up at work every day. I work through the night. I am always at work. I take my work on vacation and it's harder to mind excited kids and breastfeed and change diapers and sleep when I am not in a familiar place. It adds to my work. Specifically when he himself has been pulling long hours, leaving me at home parenting alone in the evenings when I expected to have a helper. 

In the end, I don't know if I was right or if I was just having so much anxiety and depression that I couldn't say yes. But we didn't go. And that is okay. Turns out husband also needed some home time just to be with our family after so many hours away. Turns out it is hard to communicate when everyone is running on steam and stress.

God is still good even when the train is running and I can't keep up. But I am tired, and I keep going.