Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Motherhood is Hard

Reuben's prayer tonight at bedtime was "Dear God, thank you for going to Amy's house. Amen." Amy is a good friend of mine and today we went to her house for dinner. Reuben and Becky played with her kids in the backyard and she and I sat on her awesome porch and talked. It was wonderful. My husband has been working crazy hours again and I have been dealing with frustration, loneliness and fatigue by the time he gets home between 7-9pm. Going out this evening really mixed things up and took me out of my home when I needed it most.

Motherhood is just hard. I know how to establish boundaries with friends and family. It was something I learned in my 30s. What I don't know is how to establish boundaries with my children. I don't know if such a thing exists. Children are wild creatures who cling to their mothers like barnacles to a whale. This is both beautiful and exhausting.


I think part of the problem is that Becky (18 months) is still not sleeping through the night. I am tired. We bed-share, and I have started the process of night weaning her. She is a really light sleeper (unlike Reuben, who just didn't sleep--but once he does he's OUT) and she likes to sleep plastered to my side and she likes to wake up 3-5 times a night.

This mama needs sleep. And space. Oh, and I need sleep to get energy.

I hope to have her sleeping through the night in a month. I do a gentle sleep training, no cry it out here, and we are night weaning at the same time, so I know it's going to take awhile. I am trying to trust the process and put my rest and hope in God. One day I will sleep again. Hopefully that day will be soon.


In other news, next week we start Reuben's low key Charlotte Mason preschool! I'm so excited. I've been doing the morning basket for awhile now and it's so helpful. I am a zombie when I wake up and all he wants to do is play with what's in his basket while I make breakfast and do yoga, so that's awesome. We will be doing nature study, bible verse and art, crafts and other homeschooling activities in our preschool. I plan on just doing it with Becky too. I know she's too young, but she will love the attention. I'll make some posts about it if people are interested?

Reuben also turned four this month!! I was looking through his birthday pictures and you know what, I forgot to take a picture of his cake. I might have one on my iPhone but there are none on the camera. What kind of mother am I?

That is all for the updates. I am gearing up for homeschooling, trying to recover from two weeks of insane anxiety and a little depression that basically crippled me, and eating low carb because my blood sugar is crazy and I don't know what else to do. Autoimmune problems are horrible. But God is good and I am going to keep trying to lean on him.

How are you all? How can I pray for you?

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