Wednesday, June 6, 2018

trying my hardest and it's not enough

I remember when I was single and even newly married and I would read articles about how women can have it all: a career, a social life, a husband and a family.

I am here to tell you that is 100% not my experience. At least not right now with a four month old and an almost three year old. I feel like I'm stuck on a bipolar roller coaster; going up when I least expect it only to plunge down again when I am finally comfortable.

Reuben's bedtimes are great for a few days than a disaster. He eats everything one day and won't eat for anything for days. He is sweet and loving to Rebekah and then tries to literally shove his food into her mouth while I am doing dishes. He randomly (at least how it seems to me) tantrums. I love him dearly, but this is hard. We never had terrible twos--but I think three is going to be an adventure I may not want to remember.

I am exhausted and have not brushed my hair in days. Last week I went a week without showering and didn't even notice until my husband mentioned it. I keep forgetting to spend time with God; the one thing I do need and can't live without--my lifeline and what should be my foundation. I forget to read my bible and pray. I get all wrapped up in reacting to my kid's behavior and not showing him examples of good behavior. It's no wonder he's upset most of the time with a mom who is upset at him most of the time.

I don't know how to be a good parent when I can't even be a good person. How can I raise my son when I am not even a capable human being?

Sometimes it takes falling far to realize the only thing you are promised in life, and the only thing you God. God will be there for you. I can never have it all. Striving for that dream is reaching for a lie. All I can have is God's grace, his mercy and love, his peace and his faith. I won't ever have a perfect kid. I'll never have hours and hours of free time to make videos and blog and be creative again--I have a family now and pining for what I don't have isn't going to help me feel better. I also won't suddenly get that body back that I rocked when I was 20. And if I'm honest with myself, I didn't even like my body at 20 either. Sitting here thinking of all the things I don't have just leaves me feeling jilted by life and extremely frustrated.

I need to think of what I do have. A healthy family. A nice home. A loving husband. Good (exhausted) mom friends and hardworking single friends.

Yes I have dreams and desires. No, motherhood does not fulfill me. But. Only God should have that role. Only God should fulfill me. Sticking anything else in that slot is just wrong. My creative knitting, my crochet, my video making: none of that should fulfill me either. Asking my family and my kids who have their own feelings and are their own people to fulfill me is just plain selfish as well. It's only God that can bring any peace to my heart, and only if it is his will.

I'm not saying it's wrong for me to have dreams. But those dreams are not what makes me, well, me. God made me, and I am his. And I need to remember that when the days are long and the years are short.