Saturday, June 23, 2018

knowing your limits

I am constantly being pushed beyond my limits as a mom. Yesterday, for example. Becky didn't sleep. At all. No naps all day and woke up every 2 hours at night. I was a mess and every time she would doze off I would gently try to lay her down only to have her immediately wake up. As the day wore on this became less and less cute. I desperately needed some time to myself and became increasingly irate at my non sleeping child. She also did not want to be separated from me or take a nap. By the end of the day I still had laundry, dishes, and dinner to make--and to boot I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

So my husband got home and I immediately handed him a baby and completely zoned out for twenty minutes for my mental health.

This is a regular occurrence in our home. The stress of small children wipes me out and that is before I add in running a household, managing my own needs and desires, planning intimacy with my husband (or even, like, trying to talk to him) meal prepping, making time for friends, running errands, helping others...yard work, garden weeding, car cleaning...

I constantly feel exhausted as a mother. I constantly feel my own dreams and needs are rarely able to be addressed as a mother. Sometimes I only feel like a mother.

I love my kids so much it hurts. But I am so tired most of the time. Becky just turned five months today. She's a wiggly, squirmy happy child and she makes me smile. Reuben turns three next month and three is hitting me like a brick wall, but I love his newfound curiosity and individuality.

It's just so hard to need space and not be able to have any. It's hard to want time for myself and not be able to have it most of the time. It's hard when a baby wakes up and interrupts my blog post, which is what is happening right now. Sigh. I should be in bed anyway, it's late and I have to wake up early for church tomorrow, and there is so much to do.

I don't know my own limits anymore, and yet they keep being pushed.