I think we all have moments where we are faced with our own limitations. But for me, one of those times was the birth of my child. Why did life bring the reality of death so much closer? When he was placed into my arms my heart broke and healed at the same time, and I realized I would never be the same again.
Yesterday Reuben took a really nasty fall. The kind where I heard his head hit the floor and his life flashed before my eyes. I rushed to him, cradled him in my arms and eventually dried tears. He ended up being perfectly wonderfully okay, but in the moment I was at defcon one, my fight or flight mode raging.
One of the hardest things for me to accept as a mother is that I can't protect my child. His life is not in my hands. I am not promised tomorrow. I can't imagine anything ever happening to him, but at times, like yesterday, where he is bleeding and crying on me and I'm holding him in my arms wishing I could take away his pain--I feel the finite reality of death. One day he will die. It could be soon. I would die for him, only I don't have that option. God controls life or death, even if I don't want to accept it.
Life is fragile, even if we aren't reminded of it often. God is good, and I do believe he knows the hour of my death and Reuben's too. I know I can trust him. But I also know that my human heart wants no pain to come to my child. I don't think I'll ever really stop worrying about his health and safety, but I am glad to be a child of God and know and trust Him. I just wish the future was not so uncertain.
Seeing the reality of death really helps me put my petty human desires in perspective. Do I really need to argue about this-or-that with my husband? Should I let the crumbs on the floor ruin my good mood? I want to create good memories for myself and my family--but my ultimate goal should be to serve God in everything, not serve myself. Yet daily I serve myself. If Reuben were to be taken from me tomorrow, I wouldn't get those days back, I wouldn't get another chance.
I suppose what I am saying is that I struggle just like everyone else to see the real shape of the world in regards to my paltry existence. I often place too much stock on how I look or what I have then growing the relationships around me. I forget to invest in my walk with God and instead invest in things like new clothes and pretty yarn.
Moments of clarity are rare, so I want to seize this one while it is still fresh in my mind. God is good. I am human. I have no choice but to trust him with not only my life, but the life of my children as well.
Blog brought to you by a sleepless night of watching Reuben to make sure his head injury didn't require a hospital visit. (It didn't) (I'm tired).