I feel better today. I learned two things: 1, the longer I spend on my phone the more unhappy I will be and 2, music helps everything. I am doing better. Maybe I am learning to cope with the chaos or perhaps I am adjusting to the new normal of three children. I don't know. I am choosing to extend myself grace and mercy instead of storing up guilt and anger.
Esther is filling out into babyhood. She's losing the infant look, and I could not be more in love with her. The kids adore her, she's a great baby (besides the nursing troubles) and all of us are thrilled to have her in the Markey household.
Things are better between me and my husband too. I felt so unsupported by him postpartum and I know he didn't mean it, but it took awhile to come to terms with my perceptions and experiences. We will be okay. I forgive him and we talked about it. My husband makes a bad wife and that is okay. I guess? I'm still hurt over some of the things that happened in those four weeks but God is good and I am trying to heal, physically and emotionally. Brian is back to work now, things are back to their expected patterns and I am trying to thrive.
Esther is nursing 3-4 times a day! I am down to pumping from 10 times a day to 8 times. This small improvement boosts my spirits and gives me hope one day she will exclusively nurse. One day I can nurse her in bed and go back to sleep. One day I will only have to bring my boobs with me when I leave the house. One day!! But not today.
I am trying to have hope. Thank you all for the encouraging comments on my last post! I need to find time to go back and reply but I also need to go cook dinner. Esther is down for her second nap! (I have a baby that takes more than one nap a day?!) and I am going to make sausage and veggies for dinner. Easy keto meal.
In other news I am making lists of what we need next year for homeschool and purchasing books/materials is so much fun.
Excited for what is to come!
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