Monday, February 20, 2023

Week 28

This pregnancy is dragging. But also I am over halfway! 

We have had a lot going on. Tough conversations in our marriage. Tough looks at my life. Reuben is sick with a cold since last week, luckily no one else has gotten it yet. Any new milestone/event is going to cause stress in a relationship, and with my husband working tons of hours coupled with my growing no exception.

Today when my husband woke up he was talking about how this is an easier time; that the first time (when I was pregnant with Reuben) was way scarier for him. But it is not the same for me. This time I know what I am facing; labor and the newborn phase which is mostly handled by me. I know how sleep deprived and stressed and depressed I am going to be. It is really hard, and most of the baby caring and work falls on me.

Frantically I have been trying to figure out how to 'set my self up for success' but I don't know if this is completely possible. I thought I would ask my husband to take off more time from work using the FLMA (unpaid family leave) program but there are two large issues we have discovered when he spoke to his HR. One, if he uses FLMA he looses his insurance. We kind of need that since I will be in the hospital having a baby. Two, he doesn't qualify for FLMA because he is not the one having a baby.

I cried. I need him, he is all I have. And to hear we couldn't take those weeks was such a let down. My mother works, my mother in law is not helpful. We don't have anyone else. I have great friends but all of them are exhausted moms just like me! 

But, the plus side is I have been saving money for the unpaid time off and maybe I can use that money to hire a postpartum doula? Or buy some large $$ items that we need in our house. I haven't decided yet. 

My husband does get four weeks paid leave for this baby. This is amazing and would be enough if he wasn't planning on doing the siding and putting a new roof on our house. He will be working and need me to handle everything else after the baby comes. We need new siding desperately in our home and that was why I wanted him to take extra time, so I would have time to rest when needed and he would have time to get his projects done. Literally parts of our house are falling apart, our roof leaks. It is not fun. I am stressed about our home almost as much as I am stressed about this baby. 

Somehow we have to make it work. I just don't want to sacrifice my mental and physical health for our house...again. I can't do it.

I feel stuck.

I hate feeling stuck. I like to solve my problems. 

Another thing I have been dealing with is a lot of anger with my husband. I have been talking to him about it and trying to work through it. I am angry at him for not letting me birth where I want to birth. I want a home birth. He is vehemently against it. I finally told him that I desperately need him to come to my OB appointments because I am having a really hard time going by myself. I need him. I have never needed him before like this, but I feel stressed whenever I walk into that place and I am having a hard time advocating for myself. I do like my OB (same one I gave birth to Reuben and Becky) I just sometimes don't feel safe there. I don't know what to do about it. I wanted a home birth for so many reasons and I am really struggling with coming to terms with another hospital birth with bright lights and loud machines and constant interruptions for interventions I don't want. I am stressed about potentially having to advocate for myself while in labor. Just because they were mostly great last time I gave birth over five years ago does not mean they will be this time. But with a home birth I would know what I was getting, and I could stay home. My children could stay home. I have been grieving the birth I thought I was going to have and feeling a lot of anger at my husband who I feel does not hear me. 

But I can't do anything about that either. Except pray and try to come to terms with it. My husband does not feel safe with me birthing at home and I can't keep fighting him. I am just miserable. 

Anyway. Today I woke up to a fasting blood sugar of 178. I stared at it in utter shock. Surly that was completely wrong. I have been testing my blood sugar one week a month since this pregnancy started and never had a fasting over 97. I tested my blood sugar a ton with Becky and it was never over 110. I reloaded my device and tested a different finger. It read 177. 

Well, I ate breakfast and two hours later my blood sugar was back down to 88. After lunch it was 87. Those are totally normal readings. I called my OB and she said she has seen high fastings before when people take too long of a break between meals. I did skip my snack last night and I did sleep in and test my fasting later than normal, so maybe that is all it is. I hope it is a number I never see again! I have to control my blood sugar or I will be labeled high risk and I will have a bunch of other issues to fend off. I don't want continual fetal monitoring or an IV when I give birth, and I know if I am technically high risk the hospital will push for these things. 

Please continue to pray for this pregnancy and for my motherhood, my emotional state and my labor. God is good and I will continue to try to trust in him even though these things I can't control...there is a lot of things you can't control about pregnancy. Perhaps that is a lesson God is actively trying to teach me; to trust him more and relinquish my control. 

Happy to be here in the third trimester (finally) with baby girl. Right now I really like the name Adelheid or Heidi for short. It could have something to do with the book I am currently reading by the same name.

12 more weeks until she's due!

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