Now I am a seasoned mother of two. I
still am learning, of course, and hardly an expect. But time and
prayer have turned my feelings of helplessness into a semblance of
order. Over the years God has taught my willful, sinful heart a lot
about raising my own willful, sin-filled children.
This is a blog post about how I
discipline.
Before setting down my points, I want
to make the reader aware that discipline (to me at least) is
situational. My son may jump on the couch one day and receive one
type of punishment, but jumping on the couch the next day may warrant
a completely different type of correction. That is because discipline
is mainly about the heart. It is not about behavior. Understanding
this is of utmost importance because it sets the foundation on how I
approach my son with loving correction. So, before I discipline I
must attempt to know the intent behind the actions. Only then can I
guide my child.
I employ five types of discipline in my
parenting. I will call them the five Rs: Redirection, Removal,
Recitation, Rest and Redemption. I use one or more of the five Rs
each time I discipline and disciple my children. For the rest of this
post I will seek to explain each R and give an example of using it in
daily life.
You have probably heard of redirection.
Many parents confuse redirection with distraction. I do not like
distraction as a principle of discipline. Distraction is all very
well when your child is 8 months old and wants something they can't
have, but a strong-willed three year old can not be distracted from
the object of their focus. They will just scream louder. Even if you
have the most complicit sanguine toddler on the planet, I still think
they ought not be distracted. Their emotions and the intent behind
them matter and need to be addressed. Children need to learn how to
grapple with wanting something they can't have, and not just by
moving their focus to the next thing.
Thus instead of distracting Reuben with
a flashy new toy or diverting his attention to a new game or
activity, I redirect my son emotionally. Emotions are the reason
behind his behavior, bubbling up from the fount of his heart. I can
change the behavior all I want with distraction, but only redirection
can approach the wrong lodged in his sinful heart. Redirection seeks
to help him understand the emotion he is having and channel it
appropriately.
Now don't read more into what I say
than what I have said. I don't belittle his emotions. I don't ignore
them. I don't make fun of him. I simply redirect his anger or his
confusion or frustration in a multitude of ways. One way I might do
this is by fixing the source of his frustration.
Example: Reuben (3.5) and Rebekah (10m)
are playing on the floor in the living room. Rebekah suddenly wants
to explore the duplo blocks Reuben is playing with, causing Reuben to
start screaming hysterically. “She's breaking it! She's touching
it! No Becky, no no no!!” Now, instead of distracting Becky with a
new toy, or moving Reuben's attention to another toy, (which would
fix the screaming) I instead redirect his emotions.
“Remember the rules, Reuben. If Becky
is touching a toy you are playing with, you can go to your room and
close the door or take it to the kitchen table. Becky is little and
does not understand she can't touch what you are playing with.”
This acknowledges his feelings of
frustration over Becky and gives him a safe place to play without
her. It says “you are frustrated, lets do something about your
frustration”.
Another example is needed to help
illustrate. Reuben and Rebekah are once again playing on the floor,
but this time Reuben wants whatever toy Becky has.
“It's mine! I need it. I want it!”
Now again I could distract Reuben
and/or Rebekah with a new toy, but that method would do nothing to
solve the heart problem behind Reuben's tantrum. While it may
temporarily solve the issue, age and sin will only exasperate it.
“Reuben, you know you can't snatch
what your sister is playing with. That isn't fair or nice. You don't
like it when she snatches toys from you! You can find something else
to play with or wait until she is done.”
When I say this he either (1) cries
louder, (2) snatches the toy, or does what I suggest and finds
something else to play with. If he does 1 or 2, I move on to removal
and rest, usually with recitation added in there to beggar my point.
Redirection funnels his emotions into
their proper place and supplies him with practical steps to to deal
with the problem himself by reminding him of boundaries or rules.
These boundaries and rules either are ones I have set in place (play
at the table or your room) or God-ordained (it's wrong to covet your
sister's toys). My job isn't to placate him or make him stop
crying—it is to teach him to control himself and submit to God.
The second tool in my arsenal that I
use when disciplining my son is removal. A lot of people will remove
their kids from the situation, placing the kid in time out or sending
him out of the room to his or her own bedroom. I don't do this,
simply because it does not work. Every kid is different, and
secluding your child to his/her room might work for you, but not for
us. I have found removal best works when I remove the object that is
causing my son stress. This works for my 10 month old daughter as
well!
Removing is plain to explain. I give my
son one warning. “I see you swinging your pocket watch over your
head. We can't do that near Rebekah because you tend to let go and it
flies across the room and might hit her. You need to go swing your
pocket watch in your room (redirect).”
//Reuben continues to swing his pocket
watch in the living room near his sister.
“I see you are not obeying. Sadly,
your pocket watch needs to go into time out for 10/20 minutes (or
however long) because you are not listening to your mother and
obeying the rules. You are putting your sister in danger and I can't
allow that. ”
//I take the watch and place it up high
where he can see it.
Often he understands, but sometimes he
will start crying, screaming, and demanding the toy that I have
jailed. At this point I move on to Recitation or Rest. Recitation
means making him think about what he has done that was wrong, and
reciting to me in his own words what that is. It also involves
apologizing to the person or persons he has wronged. I will make him
sit down on the couch or the floor next to me (rest) or recline in my
arms. I will rock him and talk to him as he calms down and then I
will ask him to explain what he did and tell me why he got into
trouble. If he does not know, I will repeat it until he understands
and can say it back to me, and then I will make him apologize to his
sister, to me, and even to God.
With the apology he has to say what he
did wrong. He can't just say “I'm sorry,” he must say “I am
sorry I threw the ball at your face, mommy. That was wrong and I hurt
you.” I think it's very important that he both apologize and
frankly state his sin and acknowledge the fault.
I could give a lot of examples, but
this post is long enough already and I still have one more point to
make!
Redemption is my last R. Redemption is
the means behind discipline. The redemptive blood of Christ covers
his sheep. Doing the will of God and giving him glory is the reason
for our existence. Pointing my children to Christ and reminding them
of God is the goal of parenting. Therefore I try to make God the
foundation of my discipline. Everything rests on the redemptive,
saving blood of Jesus and thus every moment I disciple my children
should point to God. It's not about my rules. It's not about changing
or modifying their behavior. Discipline is about shaping and pulling
little hearts to God and teaching and modeling God's ways.
I teach my kids about God by reading my
own bible in their presence, discussing God, listening to sermons
with them, singing hymns, praying with them, admitting my own need
for Christ and in many, many other ways. Thus as I discipline, I hope
my children come to revere and love God and need him as much as I do.
