Monday, June 26, 2017

A bit of News

Well, hopefully in January Reuben will have a sibling.

I've spent the last two weeks worrying about miscarriages. Since I've had four I worry a lot in the first trimester! I'm nowhere near the end of it either.

Right now I'm eight weeks pregnant. Eight weeks to enjoy a little tiny baby! (okay, well horrible morning sickness set in around week 6 so...) But I plan to cherish this pregnancy for as long as it lasts.

he has no idea what is coming in January
With Reuben, I never got to enjoy my pregnancy. I had three miscarriages before conceiving him and I was certain he would die. I didn't buy anything until 34 weeks and even then I thought I'd just have to return it. I had anxiety and depression, two things I had never suffered from before, while pregnant. I hated alluding to my belly. I did not talk to him in the womb. I did not knit him anything because I was afraid he would die like the rest of my babies. I did not think I would want even hold him after birth because I felt absolutely no connection with him out of fear. When my husband would talk positively about our baby I would tell him to be quiet or change the subject or have a panic attack. I really thought he would die.

Luckily he was born one day after his due date (all 10p 6oz of him) and I immediately fell in love. 

I had another miscarriage when Reuben was 8 months old.

And now I am pregnant again. I know there are a lot of loss mamas who read my blog and I hope this news comes gently to you. I know it hurts.

I am around 8 weeks now and I hope pregnancy will be different this time around because I am different, I've learned a lot. Yet I am filled with fear and anxious. Is there any such thing as depression and anxiety and brain fog with pregnancy? I do not have it normally. It seems to be connected to pregnancy. I don't know if I will lose this baby or not. I feel positive about it staying, but I feel depressed and couch ridden otherwise. And nauseated.

I want so much to enjoy and celebrate this baby while it is here for however long it is here. And that is what I try to point myself towards.
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