Sunday, April 18, 2021

a frustrated mother rants

 I don't even know where to start. 

This year has been SO MUCH better than last year. I don't want to complain. I am not a rock bottom. I don't need mental help. But I need to switch priorities and refocus. I need to write it all out (this IS my online journal...)

Kids grow up fast. 

Reuben has been hitting some regular kid milestones that have Brian and I on our toes. I have not been reacting well. Becky is hitting different areas than Reuben did at three and we are on our toes with her. Both my kids are wonderful, and I love them, so please don't think I am angry or upset. I know these are normal, but also WHY and can I throw a fit about it, because I NEED to throw a fit about it and have someone tell me it's going to be okay. (I need my mommy we ever grow out of that??!)

Reuben is pushing boundaries, talking back and dealing with anger and fear (some of it from covid). I don't know if I ever wrote about it, but he hates to go to the store and he hates masks. Poor kid. He is THRIVING at making friends, playing together at parks, and just being really amazing and fun. He's a blast to hang out with and its been awesome to have whole conversations with about whatever happens to be on his mind. He also hasn't been sleeping well. He has a lot of fear and anxiety and it comes out at night. Becky is out cold in 10 minutes flat and he takes an hour or two to nod off, lots of extra hugs, prayers, love and audio books. He is a sensitive soul, I am thinking on the highly sensitive spectrum. He has 100 questions about everything. He has a lot of questions about fear. I am tired of answering questions. 

Becky is telling a lot of lies, something we only went through briefly with Reuben. Reuben, right now, is a terrible lier and because of his highly sensitive nature will come to me an hour later after lying and tell me he lied and beg me to forgive him. I can also always tell when he is lying. I hope he never gets good at lying.

Becky on the other hand lies like she was born for it. I can only tell because she is three and ill equipped to falsehoods. But she can lie with a smile and a hug! We are working on teaching her how important it is to tell the truth. She is also dealing with the terrible threes (neither of my kids had terrible twos...) with tantrums over every small thing. She is having a lot of trouble sharing anything. But, she is excelling at loving all the babies around her, being gentle, and keeping up with big brother. I love her, she is amazing, but she is very headstrong and is going to need someone to catch her one day when she falls. Reuben is going to need someone to catch him too but for different reasons. He doesn't look where he is going and is clumsy. Becky looks and leaps anyway, she has the heart of a lion. haha.

In the midst of all this I have a chronic illness, Brian works all the time, and covid, homeschooling, political and civil unrest and I'm taking a course on plants. What a time to be alive! I know I was made for this time, I trust God, but my plate is a little full ya'll. 

Last week someone showed my son a pornographic picture (or movie) at a park. It couldn't have been long, 10-12 seconds...I keep an eye on him but he runs around and plays by himself often. I am not sure quite what happened--the kid was between 8-12 years old (there were a lot of older kids there and they were all playing tag) and there was some kind of bad movie he described to me that was definitely porn. I didn't know this would happen, so it's been a whirlwind of many other kinds of questions from Reuben that I thought would wait until he was bit older. By the way, Reuben HATES movies. He has for years, even before this incident. This is one of the things that makes me think he is highly sensitive. Veggie tails is too scary for him. He gets all worked up and afraid something "bad" or "scary" is going to happen and he literally starts sobbing and hyperventilating and goes into a full on panic attack. I am not quite sure what to do about this but for right now we avoid all movies except for his "safe" ones.  

I'm in a time where my chronic illness is not better, but it is not as bad as it has been? It's this weird middle ground where I'm okay most days if I remember to take all my meds but sometimes I get tired and I am pretty much always dealing with kidney pain... not quite sure. Hopeful for continued improvement. 

I noticed this week that I don't make enough time to play with the kids and really connect with them. I homeschool, cook, clean, and I need a break. I feel burnt out a lot...but I also need to schedule in some play time and connect with each of them. I think this will help with the attitude and issues we are seeing crop up. Both of them are so wonderful and I really am starting to savor our time together. But also I need to get stuff done and I have not found a good balance. I think going out less and staying home more will help with this, but my poor extrovert self feels a bit sad about that. It's a season, right? My kids need me and honestly I need them too. I want to be a good mom. 

Structure is my friend and I have been enjoying a bit more structure in our week. We have a laundry day, a mowing day, a co-op day and I need to figure out a loose schedule as well. I need a new morning routine, my last one fell apart when my chronic illness returned in February. I think I am going to stop typing here and go work one out. 

How are you all? Hugs and love and prayers from me. Tips for five and three year olds welcome, and I also would love your prayers as I mother our small family. I feel like as the seasons change I never have enough time to figure it out before it all changes again. God sure knows how to keep us parents on our toes. I wonder if he, the everlasting father figure, also feels this way...

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